The TVLine-Up: Your Guide to 81 Christmas Marathons and Specials

FRIDAY, DEC. 23
Parental Control (MTV, 3 – 10 am) | Visions of appalling future sons- and daughters-in-law dancing in their heads, Mom and Dad try to get rid of their kids’ loser “better halves” by setting up blind dates for their offspring.

How It’s Made (Science Channel, 6 am – Saturday, 6 am) | Ever wonder how pipes are made? How about luxury cars? And anything else under the sun? Find out during this marathon that has everything going for it but a Michael Westen voiceover.

The Millionaire Matchmaker (Bravo, 6 am – 3:30 pm) | Because you’re sure to feel better about the fact that you have no one to kiss under the mistletoe once you realize that sometimes, neither do the filthy rich. Um, right?

Ghost Adventures (Travel Channel, 9 am – 10 pm) | Maybe, as you visit the most haunted places in the world, you’ll bump into the Ghost of Christmas Past. Or Future. Or not.

Gold Rush (Discovery Channel, 9 am – 10:01 pm) | Mind you, there’ll be no skimping on holiday presents if you strike gold!

My Strange Addiction (OWN, 9 am – 6 pm) | Yes, the one about the woman who eats toilet paper is included.

Gangland (Spike TV, 9:33 am – 9:18 pm) | Celebrate the holidays with America’s most notorious street gangs… if you dare.

America’s Next Top Model (Style Network, 11 am – 11 pm) | Paulina Porizkova, you are missed.

It Only Hurts When I Laugh (truTV, 11 am – 5 pm) | If America’s Funniest Home Videos aren’t enough for you, perhaps you’ll enjoy these home videos. Although technically, they’re not guaranteed to be “America’s funniest.”

Roseanne (Oxygen, 11 am – 5:30 pm) | And those bitches on Wisteria Lane think they’re Desperate Housewives. (Also airs Saturday, 10:30 am – 6 pm.)

Elmo’s Movie Merry-Thon (Sprout, 1 – 5:28 pm) | Sit the kids down in front of the tube for a holiday movie marathon — sorry, that’s merry-thon — hosted by Elmo and featuring Caillou’s Holiday Movie, Bob the Builder: Snowed Under, Barney’s Christmas Star and Elmo’s World: Happy Holidays. What, no Showgirls, then?

Say Yes to the Dress (TLC, 3 pm – 10 pm) | Future brides spending extravagant amounts of money on wedding dresses should make you feel better about all the dough you spent this year on reindeer sweaters.

Christmas Thrillers (TCM, 8 pm – Saturday, 5:30 am) | TCM goes for the jugular — sometimes literally — this Christmas with the thrillers Backfire, Lady in the Lake, Murder, My Sweet, Christmas Evil (aka You Better Watch Out) and New Year’s Evil.

Jeff Dunham’s Very Special Christmas Special (Comedy Central, 8 – 9:01 pm) | Comedy Central reheats the funnyman’s 2008 special, which features original carols like “Jingle Bombs.”

Noah’s Arc (Logo, 8 pm – Saturday, 12:30 am) | It’s Sex and the City for guys. Only the guys are gay. And the city is L.A.

Olive, the Other Reindeer (The CW, 8 – 9 pm) | Too cute: When Blitzen gets injured, Olive the dog wants to step in and help deliver presents.

Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer (The CW, 9 –10 pm) | In this animated special that brings to life the popular song, a young boy sets out to track down his missing maw-maw on Christmas Eve and prove that Santa is real.

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