It only took 37 minutes for X Factor producers to upload some results data to the show’s chiseled, frequently malfunctioning robot mascot, and then — finally — this week’s results-show telecast got underway.
IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER, the first two contestants sent through to safety, were: Chris Rene…aaaaaaand — insert long, significant pause here — Melanie Amaro. (Whew and whew.)
Then it was time for mentor and crusher of young girls’ dreams Nicole Sureshewasnt to hit the stage and perform her new single “Pretty.” Remarkably, Nicole did not surround herself with the army of absurd backup dancers she’s frequently used to stymie her last remaining contestant, Josh Krajcik, though she did manage to crank up the volume on the song’s instrumental track loud enough to obliterate half the verses. Steve only used one “amazing,” not two, to describe it. Controversial! (In Nicole’s defense, though, the song and performance were actually pretty good. Which isn’t to say the woman has any business mentoring, judging, or even mopping the contestants’ bathrooms during X Factor‘s second season.)
And then, after Simon Cowell sat in Nicole’s chair and gave her a Nicole-esque critique — “life is a waterfall and you are the ultimate rainbow!” — it was time to finish with the results IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER, IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER, IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER, IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER, IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER, IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER, IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER, IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER, IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER, IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER…
(We pause here so someone can hit CTRL+ALT+DEL on poor Steve.)
IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER, the third act through to next Wednesday’s finale was…Josh Krajcik. (Whew.) And thus, after three straight wins in the “Save Me” round, Marcus Canty finally got evicted from the Season 1 festivities.
“This is not the last time you will see Marcus Canty,” said Marcus. And I agree! Thanks to his ye-olde-timey button-front pajama bottoms/chef pants and red, wide-lapel jacket from the Bobby Brown 1986 Collection, we’ll see Marcus on plenty of worst-dressed lists before the New Year. (I kid! I kid!)
In all seriousness, Marcus seems like a heckuva swell kid, and he’s got a lovely singing voice, which will probably prompt Top 40 radio to ignore him, but I nevertheless wish him well. So did L.A. Reid, who called Marcus “a major star” and “a great singer,” then added “you have my support.”
And now for a few more brief thoughts on one of the most overpadded, underwhelming results shows in recent TV history:
* As many problems as I have with Nicole and Steve, I have to say the weakest link on X Factor is actually that anonymous dude giving the episode-opening, “It’s time! To face! The muuu-sic!” announcements. I wouldn’t hire him to do voiceover at a Taco Bell drive-thru, let alone a major network production.
* How much pressure did producers apply to Chris Rene to get him to earnestly declare “I want to be in that Pepsi commercial, and I want the $5 million”? Come ON, nobody would put those two prizes in that order. Cash before cola, people!
* Whichever female audience member was shrieking like a horror-movie victim during the judges’ introduction should have been shot with a tranquilizer dart and transported directly to the nearest psychiatric ward for further evaluation. Nobody should be that excited to see anyone ever.
* The “No Diggity”/”Shout” mashup was remarkable for a few things: It proved Melanie can get her groove on; it proved that X Factor doesn’t let its contestants lip-synch group numbers (thanks to Chris flubbing the intro to the second verse); and — to my complete shock — it made me a little nostalgic for Tiah Tolliver.
* Florence + The Machine. Awesome.
* This quote from Steve Jones, presented without comment: “Where’s Paula going? Where’s Paula gone? Paula just wanders off!”
Now it’s your turn. Hit the comments and share your thoughts on Marcus’ elimination, the Josh-Melanie-Chris Final 3, and whether or not you think Nicole would’ve made it past Boot Camp. And for all my X Factor recaps and interviews, follow me on Twitter @MichaelSlezakTV!