The Upolu 6 became the Upolu 5 on this week’s episode of Survivor: South Pacific, and the heightened pressure led to crazy promises including but not limited to this wild-eyed doozy: “I’ll eat a piece of his stool.”
Oh, Edna, let’s hope no one holds you to your word, sister!
Anyhorror, before we get to that scatological sound bite, let’s do a brief rundown on how the week in Probstville played out:
* Edna, still smarting from discovering she was her tribe’s sixth wheel, excused herself from morning prayers. (Hey, I’d drop out of any activity that forced me to hold Brandon’s hand, too.) Later, she seethed to Coach that she couldn’t believe her destinty was being dictated by “a 19-year-old high-school dropout who’s advertised that he’s crazy.” Didn’t she realize that’s exactly the reason Coach would want to go up against Brandon in front of a jury?
* Ozzy narrowly beat Cochran in the Redemption Island duel. (He’s totally gonna win this season, isn’t he?)
* The remaining castaways got Sprint-sponsored messages from loved ones. “She’s beautiful!” said Brandon, looking at a 3D image of Rick’s wife. Later, after Rick pinched his wife’s behind, I imagined Brandon rallying his fellow alliance members to turn against the harlot for tempting him to commit sins of the flesh: “She makes me wanna do bad things! Stone her! STONE HER!”
* Ozzy got to choose a trio of Upolu-ites to spend the day with their family members, and selected Albert, Coach, and (ugh) Brandon for the honors. Coach took on the role of spitting out pro-Sprint sound bites, while Brandon’s dad (who Probst slyly introduced as “Russell Hantz’s brother”) took on the role of Creepy McCreeperston. When Brandon said he wanted to play the game in Jesus Christ’s footsteps, his dad reminded him of the Eleventh and Twelfth Commandments: “You came to win $1 million” and “God wants you to put your family in a good position.” Daddie Dearest then approached Coach and told him Brandon would blindly follow his instructions for the rest of the game. (No wonder that kid is such a mess!)
* Coach approached Ozzy and told him he wanted to go up against him in front of the jury. “I’m giving you my word — as a Christian man,” he said, which in Coach’s mind, is much more significant than merely saying “I’m giving you my word.” (Apparently, Coach’s version of the Commandments contains a lot of fine print.)
* Coach won immunity in a “pineapple” challenge where Brandon openly taunted Edna. Sophie later confessionalized that this might not have been the smartest game play, despite Brandon’s subsequent apology, because “on Survivor, people are not as forgiving as Jesus Christ.”
* Edna made a mildly compelling case to Coach that based on Upolu’s mantra of “honor, loyalty, and integrity,” she deserved to outlast Brandon. Later, she told Sophie and Albert that she would dine on Coach’s excrement if he wasn’t down with her plan to vote off Brandon. But at no point did Edna seem to bring up the biggest reason for keeping her around: No one would vote to give the $1 million to a player with no strategic or social edge in the game.
* Edna lost the vote, 5 to 1, but in more surprising news, Brandon spelled her name correctly!
And now the question becomes, who’ll get voted out next among the Upolu 5? Take our poll below, then hit the comments to weigh in on the week in Survivor, and your theories on who’ll win the season!