The X Factor Top 7 Results Recap: Simon, Are You OK? Are You OK, Simon?

“Do not move! Do not move!” commanded the world’s most high-profile automaton, Steve Jones, heading into another leave-us-all-in-suspense commercial break on this week’s X Factor results show. (Dude, if we’ve already endured a 15-minute recap of the previous night’s performance telecast and the umpteenth overbearing use of “Carmina Burana” to signal This Is An Important Show, we’re not about to go flipping the flipping channel.)

Anyhow, in case you’re unfamiliar with how these double-eliminations go: The act with the lowest number of viewer votes faces immediate elimination; the second- and third-lowest vote-getters get forced into a sing-off in front of Dapper, Useless, Unhinged, and Chest-Baring.

IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER, Steve — who, he’d like you to know, happens to own a copy of the deubt album from this week’s guest performer Tinie Tempah, which makes him totally HUMAN — the acts who received enough votes to go straight through to next week’s Top 5 performance telecast were:

* Chris Rene
* Melanie Amaro
* Rachel Crow (?¡SRSLY!?)
* Josh Krajcik

Wait! Let’s break for a brutally lit set from Tiny Tempah! Seriously, does the live audience benefit from the pulsating assault of strobes and neon and kliegs? Because TV viewers do not. Or at least this Oldie McOlderson doesn’t. But there’s no time for you to recover from your Tempah-induced siezure. Steve is reading the results…

Eliminated immédiatement: Astro

“GET THE HUGS OUT OF THE WAY,” our irritable host huffed as he tried to get a quote from Astro and rush him off stage. (Never let charm or good humor get in the way of finishing on time! That’s the spirit!)

“The only reason I’m mad is I don’t get to see my girl that lives in Cali,” said Astro. Astro is dating? Ewww, too young. I’m sure Molly is a kindly fiftysomething makeup artist.

And with that, we came to the “save me!” performances. Here’s my breakdown — in ten words or less — on Drew “NEVER SHOULD HAVE BEEN IN THIS POSITION IN THE FIRST PLACE” Ryniewicz vs. Marcus “Nice Guy, Not Really the Best Investment Opportunity for a Record Label with a Spare $5 Million” Canty.

Drew Ryniewicz: Roxette’s “Listen to Your Heart”
Powerful despite of clearly percolating tears. Shoulda been “Toxic” though.

Marcus Canty: Gladys Knight and the Pips “Neither One of Us (Wants to Be the First to Say Goodbye)”
Hot wreck of a vocal. Broken spirit = broken voice?

Judges Votes on Who Should Go Home
L.A. (who lied by saying he doesn’t automatically vote to save his own team members. Yeah. Right.): Drew
Simon (taking full responsibility for Drew’s predicament and begging Paula and Nicole to give her another chance): Marcus
&#^@*Face (either working through some deep and ugly anger issues against Simon or proving she has the kind of abysmal taste you’d expect from the woman who sings “Right There“: Drew
Paula (still lucid enough to #%@^ with Simon): Drew

Eliminated: Drew Ryniewicz

“Jesus loves all of you guys and I haven’t gotten to say that,” said Drew. “And that’s what I’m here for, that’s what I was truly in this competition for, so now I’m saying it.” The megatalented teen then promised she’s got more in store for America, musically speaking, and “it’s a lot more upbeat and it’s a lot more different.” (Don’t forget, every download of a Drew Ryniewicz song is $1.29 you’re not spending on a Nicole Skankyditz record!)

Asked by Steve if he had any words for Drew, a seething Simon said he’d talk to her backstage. And he didn’t have a single word for his fellow judges, or at least not anything he could say on network television. Who can blame him? This has to go down in history as one of the worst decisions ever made by a reality TV judging panel — right up there with Project Runway‘s Gretchen-over-Mondo debacle, in fact.

Anyhow, with the results official, you can stick a fork in it, America: Melanie Amaro is the winner of Season 1 of The X Factor. I don’t see how there can be any other outcome at this point, now that her only real competition has been booted. Oh, and yeah, Josh Krajcik is your runner-up.

That’s it from me. Like Simon, I’m so disgusted I can’t find any more words. You with me, or am I totally off the mark? Sound off below!

Slezak on Twitter @MichaelSlezakTV.