This week’s installment of Survivor: South Pacific followed the philosophy that two super-predictable Tribal Councils in an hour is better than just one — especially if you can surround those sleepy voting tallies with scenes of open hostility, gradually simmering tensions, and Albert’s impressive abs (pictured below, for totally non-prurient reasons).
Things kicked off with the blindsided former members of Savaii wreaking verbal revenge on the nerd (Cochran). Jim called Cochran “a poor excuse for a man,” Whitney hissed “you disgust me” right into his face, and Ozzy took to the confessional to declare that Cochran’s change of allegiance was “how a wiener plays.” (Is it, Ozzy? Is it?) Jim packed more venom per word into his ranting, though, and thus Cochran told his Upolu buddies that, on a personal level, the medical marijuana dispenser would be his choice for elimination. That plan went up in
ganja smoke, though, when Jim won immunity in a challenge that went something like this: crack coconuts; fill mouth with coconut water; run through obstacle course; listen up for Jeff Probst innuendo (“Sophie is sliding down that pole!”); fill clear plastic tube with water from mouth; try not to vomit (sorry, Sophie); and then “Jim wins immunity!”
Jim then came up with a cockamamie plan to give his immunity necklace to Ozzy, and make an impassioned speech to sway at least two members of the original Upolu six to join the remaining Savaii in voting against Cochran. Alas, though, Jim’s rally-the-troops speech made less sense than a Brandon Hantz monologue. Jim’s flawed logic was that by booting Cochran, the residents of Survivor: South Pacific had an opportunity to prove to all future castaways that “you can go through this game honorably, and if you’re a turncoat, you’ve got no place in my tribe
— except for that time I led Savaii to blindside Elyse!” Um, dude, a Survivor without duplicity, scheming, and blindsides is a Survivor that gets replaced by weekly reruns of A Gifted Man!
Thankfully, Coach saw Jim’s plan as sending a different message altogether to future Survivorists: “If you stick up for yourself, you’re gonna get screwed.” And just like that, Jim realized it might be kinda sort of a good idea to hang on to that immunity necklace. Thus, it was Ozzy who got sent to join Keith at Redemption Island; good thing the Survivor vet had room for his inflated ego in his knapsack — the better to boast about the inevitability of winning every Redemption Island duel, and his plan to prepare a “nice fish” for all his future opponents, then “send them on their way.”
By the bye, I loved this exchange between Brandon and Cochran as they discussed the idea of ousting Ozzy for the second time in the South Pacific season:
Brandon: How many chances do you get to vote him out of this game?
Cochran: Apparently, two.
Brandon: (Totally blank stare)
Anyway, the Upolo Six (and Cochran) skipped the next immunity challenge — balancing a ball on a bow while balancing on a beam — in favor of gorging on pastries and iced coffee, leaving Jim, Whitney, and Dawn to duke it out. Funniest moment of the episode came when Jim fell off his perch, Probst gave an enthusiastic play-by-play that “Jim has no shot at immunity tonight!” and Jim retorted “I KNOW!” in the most disgusted, petulant tone I’ve heard all season.
And speaking of surly, Hot Albert wasn’t happy with the way his alliance members cheered for sweet, tough Dawn over Whitney and Jim. “Personally, I didn’t really like the way we treated Dawn at the challenge,” he said in the confessional. “I thought we were a little too inclusive with her. I wanna nip this in the bud as soon as I can.” Awww, Albert, but Dawn is so darn likable! (Which is why, in fact, you may have a point.)
Tribal Council turned into a hotbed of Brandon-fueled crazy: Dawn said if Savaii had the numbers edge, she’d have competed in the challenge anyway, prompting Brandon to respond as though she’d spat in his mother’s face and kicked his dog in the groin. “I promise you, Jeff, none of us are gonna stop,” seethed Brandon, “until that whole Savaii tribe is completely [makes dismissive arm gesture].
Tonight we dine in Hell!” That, naturally, made Whitney weep openly that the members of the Upolu alliance “don’t accept us as real people.” And then Jim was voted out and sent to Redemption Island with Keith and Ozzy. (Side note: Don’t you think all future Redemption Island duels should be limited to two players, not three or more?)
Tribal ended with a cryptic little message from Probst: There was a lot said at Tribal Council, he noted, but “was anything revealed that might help Dawn or Whitney?” If there was, I sure didn’t hear it.
So here’s my question to you: Do Whitney or Dawn have any kind of chance to earn the title of Sole Survivor? Or, for that matter, any of the gents on Redemption Island? Post your scenarios for such an unlikely victory in the comments, and for all my reality recaps, follow me on Twitter @MichaelSlezakTV!