The X Factor Top 12 Performance Night: Follow Along With Our Snappy Judgments

Spoiler alert: Stacy Francis is going to go for a giant glory note, Rachel Crow is gonna be all gosh-darn-aw-shucks cutesy, and those gentlemen from Stereo Hogzz shall bust a move.

Yes, it’s Top 12 Performance Night on The X Factor — and also your first opportunity to get your vote on and challenge the authority of judges who prefer Dexter Haygood to Elaine Gibbs.

If that sounds like your kind of party, then please consider this live blog post as your pithy, mildly inebriated viewing companion.

As the episode rolls on, I’ll update you on who’s performed what and offer my opinions of said performances in five words or less. So keep refreshing the page for all the good, the bad, and Nicole Schairheelsandmascara ridiculata.

The X Factor Top 12: Strengths, Weaknesses, and Suggested Song Choices

* Stereo Hogzz, Janet Jackson’s genius “Rhythm Nation”: Dreadful intro. Simon hyperbole! Decent?
* Chris Rene, The Carpenters’ “Superstar”: Likable, but underwhelming. Drops phrases.
* Leroy Bell, Lonestar’s “I’m Already There”: Pretty. Saw Lunesta butterfly though.
* Rachel Crow, Katrina and the Waves’ “Walking on Sunshine”: “America’s sunshine?” Nicole, please. Ai’ight.
* Lakoda Rayne, Fleetwood Mac’s “Landslide”: Echo-ey FX? Good + Predictable = Predictagood?
* Josh Krajcik, Christina Perri’s “Jar of Hearts”: I’d download, though wee wobbly.
* Melanie Amaro, The Eagles’ “Desperado”: Who needs five words? Awesome.
* Astro, a modified mashup of Naughty By Nature’s “Hip-Hop Hooray”/Missy Elliot’s “Get Your Freak On”: In Atro’s own words: “Dope.”
* Intensity, Kim Wilde’s “Kids in America”/LMFAO’s “Party Rock”: Need warm milk and pillow.
* Drew Ryniewicz, Nelly’s “Just a Dream”: I’m in disbelief, too. Tremendous.
* Marcus Canty, Bobby Brown’s “Every Little Step”: Tsunami of spectacle. Kinda upsetting.
* Stacy Francis, Patty Griffin’s “Up to the Mountain”: Too many candles. Contender, though.

Full recap will post early thursday morning, but until then, hit the comments and share your own opinions! And for all my X Factor news and commentary, follow me on Twitter @MichaelSlezakTV!