The X Factor Top 17 Perform: Follow Along With Our Snappy Judgments!

If you’ve already overdosed on bittersweet tears from Stacy Francis and Dexter Haygood, then please be advised that tuning in to Tuesday night’s live-performance episode of The X Factor — at the end of which five of the Top 17 will be unceremoniously sent to the guillotine — may be detrimental to your health. On the other hand, if you’re like Destiny’s Child and think you’re ready for this jelly (I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly), then please consider this live blog post as your pithy, mildly inebriated viewing companion.

As the episode rolls on, I’ll update you on who’s performed what in all four categories — Girls Under 30; Boys Under 30; Over-30s; and Groups — and offer my opinions of said performances in five words or less. So keep refreshing the page for all the good, the bad, and Nicole Whozywhatzit ridiculata. Full recap will post early Wednesday morning, but until then, hit the comments and share your own opinions! And for all my X Factor news and commentary, follow me on Twitter @MichaelSlezakTV!

Boys With L.A. Reid
* Astro, Kris Kross’ “Jump”: Hate that he’s so talented
* Chris Rene, Rose Royce’s “Love Don’t Live Here Anymore”: Pitch problems galore, but compelling?
* Phillip Lomax, The Monkees’/Neil Diamond’s “I’m a Believer”: Honest critique is dead.
* Marcus Canty, Culture Club’s “Do You Really Want to Hurt Me”: Solid vocals. Wonky dancing.
Final Verdict: Nicole is a foolio. Phillip Lomax is eliminated.

Groups With Paula Abdul
* Stereo Hogzz, Otis Redding’s “Try a Little Tenderness”: Does pork go with cheezz?
* The Brewer Boys, Hall & Oates’ “Rich Girl”/George Michael’s “Faith”: Away, dancebots! They must advance!
* Intensity, Cupid’s “369”/Kenny Loggins’ “Footloose”: No lie, I just siezed.
* Lakoda Rayne, Dexy’s Midnight Runners’ “Come on Eileen”: Paula, those lyrics!?!? Not awful.
Final Verdict: Nicole gotta stop with the “honey” business. The Brewer Boys are eliminated, and Paula may be crazier than I’d ever anticipated.

Over 30s With Nicole Swiffermakalit
* Dexter Haygood: Britney Spears’ “Womanizer”/Katy Perry’s “I Kissed a Girl”: Ol’ Crazy Bastard?
* Leroy Bell, Pink’s “Nobody Knows”: He seemed a little nervous.
* Stacy Francis, George Michael’s “One More Try”: That crazy power needs harnessing.
* Josh Krajcik, Bob Dylan’s “Forever Young”: Awesome.
Final Verdict: Steve Jones needs a charisma infusion, pronto. Dexter Haygood gets the boot; declares self “kinda confused.”

Girls With Simon Cowell
* Simone Battle, Beats International’s “Dub Be Good to Me”: Legendary song; legendarily troubling vocal.
* Rachel Crow, Justin Bieber’s “Baby”/the Supremes’ “Where Did Our Love Go.” Styling/staging debacle. Can sang.
* Drew (dropped the Ryniewicz): Irene Cara’s “What a Feeling”: Heading to iTunes to purchase.
* Tiah Tolliver, Eurythmics’ “Sweet Dreams”: More Kool-Aid, please.
* Melanie Amaro, Whitney Houston’s done-to-death “I Have Nothing”: MONSTER voice. I have nothing (else to say).
Final Verdict: Simone Battle is releasing a song called “He Likes Boys”? Grrrl, you know your audience. Simone and Tiah are sent packing in favor of Shirley Temple 4.0.

What did you think of the judges’ decisions? Who’s your favorite from the Top 12? Sound off below, check back at TVLine.com on Wednesday morning for my full episode recap, and for all my X Factor news, interviews, and recaps do follow me on Twitter @MichaelSlezakTV!