“None of use deserve $250,000,” said gorgeous but mildly crazy Michelle Money during Monday night’s season finale of Bachelor Pad. Truer words may not have been spoken on the small screen all year. Well, except maybe Queen of All Meltdowns Melissa admitting that, “Clearly, I do not do well on reality TV.” Or perhaps blandly inoffensive Kirk weighing in on Kasey and Vienna’s unholy union thusly: “They are an awful couple — let’s be honest.”
In other words, the guns of harsh truth were drawn and repeatedly fired as ABC’s dank Petri dish of reality romance castoffs got stirred for the final time this calendar year. When the icky spores and international bad vibes settled, we were left with a lot of tears, rage, several cases of nausea and dizziness, and even a marriage proposal! (Side note: As far as I know, there was not a single protest lodged against this defilement of the centuries-old institution. Curious, huh?)
Anyhow, let’s recap the interminable “action” from the three-hour telecast, shall we? Hour one found us jetting off to Vegas and the set of Cirque du Soleil’s “Ka” (or “KaKa” while communing with Bachelor Pad) where our four remaining couples — Ella/Kirk, Michelle/Graham, Holly/Michael, and Vienna/Kasey — were asked to perform a one-minute routine involving a 100-foot wall, harnesses, and costumes that looked like they came from the Mighty Na’Vi Power Rangers Collection. “I just s*** myself,” said Kasey, in his infinite elegance, pondering the task at hand. “I am literally pissing down my leg,” added Graham, continuing the show’s exploration of toilet themes.
Chris Harrison announced the “dances” would be judged by a yam, a celery root, and a rutabaga — okay, “successful” franchise grads Trista, Jason, and Ally — on the basis of technical ability, showmanship, effort, and chemistry. I hate these kinds of subjective challenges that allow producers to manipulate the outcome of a contest to suit their own dramatic purposes. That said, from the limited footage shown, Kirk and Ella resembled two trussed-up roasted ducks hanging in the window of a Chinese market, so their subsequent ouster didn’t make me too rageful, even if I really kinda wanted them to win it all. Ella cried about letting down Kirk and letting down her son, and then added, “I’m here for every battered woman in this country that I can help.” (Through plastic surgery?) Kirk, for his part, said nothing of any consequence. And Trista’s exaggerated pouty face made me say a silent prayer that she be banned from gazing into a TV camera ever again.
As he’s done all season, Kasey displayed the kind of bravado that’s just begging for a smackdown. “I am gonna win this competition. I’m gonna win the rose. I adapt. I pick up things really fast. I’m smart. I’m witty,” he mumbled. “I’m a survivor. I’m a dreamer. I’m a believer.” (Dude, you left out world-class tool!) In his defense, Kasey and Vienna were actually pretty good skittering up the wall like a couple of cockroaches, but there’s no way Ally actually clapped for her one-time rival, right? I mean, that footage had to be spliced. In the end, though, Michael performed a dazzling lift of Holly at the end of their routine, and the formerly engaged duo triumphed over the house villains. Yay? Yeah, yay.
Back at the ranch, Michael rolled up his jeans to an unfortunate Capri length, then he and Holly got to work deciding whether to take Vienna/Kasey or Michelle/Graham into the final vote. Vienna made a good case that Holly and Michael would guarantee themselves $250,000 by taking her and Kasey into the finale, but then Kasey’s wrist started pulsating and everyone got scared and so Michelle and Graham scored roses from their Bachelor Pad BFFs, and Vienna and Kasey cried in a limo. (Whew.) My favorite part of this whole sequence was when Kasey tried telling Vienna that everything she said to him was negative, and that she should really be a more supportive girlfriend, and she responded that while he was negotiating with Michael and Holly, all she wanted to say was “[Bleep] shut up. Stop it. You’re killing us right now.” Wonder when those crazy kids are gonna set the big date?
But hey, not to worry, if Kasey and Vienna never get hitched, we’ll always have Holly and Michael. Oh wait, scratch that. Holly and Blake! Holly and Blake who allowed ABC cameras to film in high-def closeup Blake’s “surprise” marriage proposal complete with Neil Lane diamond, soft filtered lighting, and not a single word of warning to Michael (even while Holly was hanging backstage with him before the final vote). When the poor guy took to the stage and Chris Harrison informed him the love of his life was gettin’ hitched to the toothy dentist sitting only a few feet away, Michael reacted with a moment of total honesty. “I’m sorry, that’s super awkward,” he seethed. “Here is where I find out?” But then he turned to Holly, sitting right next to him, and wished her nothing but happiness. Maybe that show of restraint and relative dignity was enough to turn the vote in his favor, but when it was all said and done, Michael and Holly scored the win over Michelle and Graham (we saw eight votes for the former couple, and four for the latter), both cast a secret ballot to “share” the grand prize, and walked away with $125,000 apiece.
And on that note, it’s time to give out some plaques and statuettes from the “Contestants Tell All”/”Hot Seat” portion of our telecast…
Sound Bite Confirming Gia’s Position as the Low Man on the Bachelor Pad Intellectual Totem Pole
“Kasey’s very smart.”
Sound Bite Confirming Jake’s Fundamental Failure to Understand That Bachelor Pad Is the Place Where Appropriateness Goes to Die
“Do you really think that’s the appropriate thing to say?” (asking Kasey about his remark that he wanted to punch Jake in the face for “all of America”)
Honey, It’s Too Late to Win Our Sympathy With Your Ridiculous Tears Trophy
(It’s a Tie!!!) Vienna and Jake
Code Word That Triggers Melissa’s Bridal Registry Receptors
The Silent Victims of Blake’s Thoughtlessness
Blake! How could you publicly propose to Holly right after Jackie and Melissa had been herded onto the Spinsterhood Express by cattle-prod-weilding ABC suits? The looks of total nausea on their faces as that engagement video rolled was a thing of tragicomic brilliance.
Does the “No Such Thing as Bad Publicity” Rule Apply to Product Placement?
Apparently not, given the closeup of the Neil Lane box housing Blake’s toxic engagement ring for Holly
Concepts That Really Should’ve Been Checked at the Door of the Bachelor Pad Mansion
Graham saying he wanted to be “a man of integrity” and “a man of character”
Quote From Holly That Probably/Depressingly Applies to Every Aspect of Her Life
“It doesn’t feel real at all, and it won’t till I watch it on TV.”
Chris Harrison Rebuttal to Vienna That Accurately Sums Up Her “Journey” With Creepy McPilotbot
“You wanted to take that olive branch and shove it you know where.”
What did you think of the season finale of Bachelor Pad, and Season 2 overall? Did you feel sorry for anybody during the three-hour show? Jake? Kasey? Michael? Melissa? Humanity? Sound off below, and for all my reality recaps, follow me on Twitter @MichaelSlezakTV!