Bachelor Pad Season Finale Recap: A Very Wrong Engagement

“None of use deserve $250,000,” said gorgeous but mildly crazy Michelle Money during Monday night’s season finale of Bachelor Pad. Truer words may not have been spoken on the small screen all year. Well, except maybe Queen of All Meltdowns Melissa admitting that, “Clearly, I do not do well on reality TV.” Or perhaps blandly inoffensive Kirk weighing in on Kasey and Vienna’s unholy union thusly: “They are an awful couple — let’s be honest.”

In other words, the guns of harsh truth were drawn and repeatedly fired as ABC’s dank Petri dish of reality romance castoffs got stirred for the final time this calendar year. When the icky spores and international bad vibes settled, we were left with a lot of tears, rage, several cases of nausea and dizziness, and even a marriage proposal! (Side note: As far as I know, there was not a single protest lodged against this defilement of the centuries-old institution. Curious, huh?)

Anyhow, let’s recap the interminable “action” from the three-hour telecast, shall we? Hour one found us jetting off to Vegas and the set of Cirque du Soleil’s “Ka” (or “KaKa” while communing with Bachelor Pad) where our four remaining couples — Ella/Kirk, Michelle/Graham, Holly/Michael, and Vienna/Kasey — were asked to perform a one-minute routine involving a 100-foot wall, harnesses, and costumes that looked like they came from the Mighty Na’Vi Power Rangers Collection. “I just s*** myself,” said Kasey, in his infinite elegance, pondering the task at hand. “I am literally pissing down my leg,” added Graham, continuing the show’s exploration of toilet themes.

Chris Harrison announced the “dances” would be judged by a yam, a celery root, and a rutabaga — okay, “successful” franchise grads Trista, Jason, and Ally — on the basis of technical ability, showmanship, effort, and chemistry. I hate these kinds of subjective challenges that allow producers to manipulate the outcome of a contest to suit their own dramatic purposes. That said, from the limited footage shown, Kirk and Ella resembled two trussed-up roasted ducks hanging in the window of a Chinese market, so their subsequent ouster didn’t make me too rageful, even if I really kinda wanted them to win it all. Ella cried about letting down Kirk and letting down her son, and then added, “I’m here for every battered woman in this country that I can help.” (Through plastic surgery?) Kirk, for his part, said nothing of any consequence. And Trista’s exaggerated pouty face made me say a silent prayer that she be banned from gazing into a TV camera ever again.

As he’s done all season, Kasey displayed the kind of bravado that’s just begging for a smackdown. “I am gonna win this competition. I’m gonna win the rose. I adapt. I pick up things really fast. I’m smart. I’m witty,” he mumbled. “I’m a survivor. I’m a dreamer. I’m a believer.” (Dude, you left out world-class tool!) In his defense, Kasey and Vienna were actually pretty good skittering up the wall like a couple of cockroaches, but there’s no way Ally actually clapped for her one-time rival, right? I mean, that footage had to be spliced. In the end, though, Michael performed a dazzling lift of Holly at the end of their routine, and the formerly engaged duo triumphed over the house villains. Yay? Yeah, yay.

Back at the ranch, Michael rolled up his jeans to an unfortunate Capri length, then he and Holly got to work deciding whether to take Vienna/Kasey or Michelle/Graham into the final vote. Vienna made a good case that Holly and Michael would guarantee themselves $250,000 by taking her and Kasey into the finale, but then Kasey’s wrist started pulsating and everyone got scared and so Michelle and Graham scored roses from their Bachelor Pad BFFs, and Vienna and Kasey cried in a limo. (Whew.) My favorite part of this whole sequence was when Kasey tried telling Vienna that everything she said to him was negative, and that she should really be a more supportive girlfriend, and she responded that while he was negotiating with Michael and Holly, all she wanted to say was “[Bleep] shut up. Stop it. You’re killing us right now.” Wonder when those crazy kids are gonna set the big date?

But hey, not to worry, if Kasey and Vienna never get hitched, we’ll always have Holly and Michael. Oh wait, scratch that. Holly and Blake! Holly and Blake who allowed ABC cameras to film in high-def closeup Blake’s “surprise” marriage proposal complete with Neil Lane diamond, soft filtered lighting, and not a single word of warning to Michael (even while Holly was hanging backstage with him before the final vote). When the poor guy took to the stage and Chris Harrison informed him the love of his life was gettin’ hitched to the toothy dentist sitting only a few feet away, Michael reacted with a moment of total honesty. “I’m sorry, that’s super awkward,” he seethed. “Here is where I find out?” But then he turned to Holly, sitting right next to him, and wished her nothing but happiness. Maybe that show of restraint and relative dignity was enough to turn the vote in his favor, but when it was all said and done, Michael and Holly scored the win over Michelle and Graham (we saw eight votes for the former couple, and four for the latter), both cast a secret ballot to “share” the grand prize, and walked away with $125,000 apiece.

And on that note, it’s time to give out some plaques and statuettes from the “Contestants Tell All”/”Hot Seat” portion of our telecast…

Sound Bite Confirming Gia’s Position as the Low Man on the Bachelor Pad Intellectual Totem Pole
“Kasey’s very smart.”

Sound Bite Confirming Jake’s Fundamental Failure to Understand That Bachelor Pad Is the Place Where Appropriateness Goes to Die
“Do you really think that’s the appropriate thing to say?” (asking Kasey about his remark that he wanted to punch Jake in the face for “all of America”)

Honey, It’s Too Late to Win Our Sympathy With Your Ridiculous Tears Trophy
(It’s a Tie!!!) Vienna and Jake

Code Word That Triggers Melissa’s Bridal Registry Receptors
“Serendipitous”

The Silent Victims of Blake’s Thoughtlessness
Blake! How could you publicly propose to Holly right after Jackie and Melissa had been herded onto the Spinsterhood Express by cattle-prod-weilding ABC suits? The looks of total nausea on their faces as that engagement video rolled was a thing of tragicomic brilliance.

Does the “No Such Thing as Bad Publicity” Rule Apply to Product Placement?
Apparently not, given the closeup of the Neil Lane box housing Blake’s toxic engagement ring for Holly

Concepts That Really Should’ve Been Checked at the Door of the Bachelor Pad Mansion
Graham saying he wanted to be “a man of integrity” and “a man of character”

Quote From Holly That Probably/Depressingly Applies to Every Aspect of Her Life
“It doesn’t feel real at all, and it won’t till I watch it on TV.”

Chris Harrison Rebuttal to Vienna That Accurately Sums Up Her “Journey” With Creepy McPilotbot
“You wanted to take that olive branch and shove it you know where.”

What did you think of the season finale of Bachelor Pad, and Season 2 overall? Did you feel sorry for anybody during the three-hour show? Jake? Kasey? Michael? Melissa? Humanity? Sound off below, and for all my reality recaps, follow me on Twitter @MichaelSlezakTV!

Comments are monitored, so don’t go off topic, don’t frakkin’ curse and don’t bore us with how much your coworker’s sister-in-law makes per hour. Talk smart about TV!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

24 Comments
  1. JK says:

    Graham saying, “I am PHYSICALLY angry!”

    • ESLKid75 says:

      I think he said “physically mad.”
      Same here though, I was like, “uh?”

      Oh, and the “I’m literally pissing down my leg” part? I mean, does he know what “literally” means???

  2. Dr. Matt says:

    My favorite moment was Vienna trying to make a joke at Jake’s expense and not a single laugh came from the audience.

  3. Alicia says:

    SO glad Michael won! Cannot believe ABC/Chris Harrison blindsided him with the engagement. People.com has an interview with Michael and Holly explaining that Holly couldn’t tell him ahead of time…but wanted to. I think it’s really shady that ABC was so ratings-hungry. Mike has never been anything but a standup guy, he made it as far as he did without being a fame**ore and they still screw him over. Bad call.

    • Bobbi says:

      According to Chris Harrison in his TVGuide.com interview/blog, she and Blake were engaged three days before the show. She could have told him at any time. She just didn’t.

      • Erin says:

        The contestants had their phones taken away and were sequestered for the two days prior to the finale being filmed. The first time Holly or Blake saw Michael was when he walked out onstage that night. He said as much in his People article, as well as what he said on Twitter.

        • lacey says:

          There was a camera crew filming the engagement, so I don’t buy that Holly’s innocent. You think a camera crew just happened to be there on their hike? Holly and Blake both could have told Michael but they chose not to. Maybe ABC made a deal with them that if they kept Michael in the dark ABC would pay for the wedding. Which if that’s the case then Holly&Blake don’t come off looking any better.

          • tripoli says:

            Agreed. That engagement was clearly a staged event. It didn’t seem natural or authentic at all, so I’m betting there’s some wheeling and dealing going on. And Neil Lane provided the rings on the last bachelorette, so the nice close up was a dead give away that ABC had their hands all over this proposal. If Holly had any concern left for Michael, she would have made sure he was told privately. But she seems to be a pretty callous fame seeker who’s continuing her quest to “date/marry” as many past contestants as possible. Michael should count his lucky stars he dodged that bullet.

  4. Sami says:

    Holly knew that her engagment was taped to air if she wanted to tell Michael she could. She is a low level trash & Michael is lucky to be done with her.

  5. lee says:

    graham and michelle shoulda won love those two

  6. Paco says:

    Queen Erica looked amazing last night

  7. In Principle says:

    I felt bad for Jackie. The poor girl wanted so desperately to understand what went wrong between her and Ames and all he could do was look down towards the floor and say…we’re two different people and I thought it would be best to end it early”. Or some such nonsense.

    Why do I suspect Mama Ames had a hand in this? When they did the hometown visit on Ali’s Bachelorette, I suspected then that Mother Ames was not a happy camper. It appeared (please don’t throw stones because the “chief” word here is “appeared”) that she was a wee bit snooty. I got the feeling that there was a bit of the Hatfields and McCoys there. North vs. South. Old money vs. No money.

    I could be wrong. Just my perception.

    • Susan says:

      Ames is from Ashley’s season not Ali’s. Ames’ mother probably doesn’t like anyone from reality t.v. and can’t wrap her head around her son willingly appearing on such a trashy show.

    • ESLKid75 says:

      I don’t know… My girlfriend kept telling me that there is something off about Jackie and that maybe Ames was trying to be nice and not expose whatever it is on TV.

    • Joline says:

      Some think that Jackie’s aggressive nature (as seen during women tell all Bachelor reunion towards Michelle Money) led Ames to believe that she was not nice enough for him. Who knows what really happened….I’m just glad that Ames didn’t take the bait last night and get into a debate about it on tv. If Jackie couldn’t get out of bed for a week over a guy she just met then clearly she has some issues too.

      • Beth says:

        Agreed–Jackie was sitting next to Ames before those cameras started rolling, but seemed to be bringing this all up to him on air as fast and soon as she could. She obviously wanted closure, but…seems a little too quick to share so many details with America. She couldn’t get out of bed for a week? I know break ups are hard, but…how did she keep her job? I got the feeling Ames is too much of a gentleman to tell her the real, exact flaw she had that turned him off in front of all of America. She may have gotten an answer had she approached him in private.

  8. sfcitygirl22 says:

    What happened to Ella needing money for her son and wanting to buy them a house? Instead she spends it all on plastic surgery? and we she wanted people to feel bad for her?

    • Kelly says:

      AGREED. I’m fairly certain that the best possibly future for your son does NOT include spending your money on 5 plastic surgeries. After all…wasn’t that what she was whining about THE ENTIRE SHOW?!

      • Star 92 says:

        Ella got the surgeries for free–her going public with them is free advertisement for Erica’s dad. How many “this star got plastic surgery” reports include quotes from the Dr. who did it, and drop his name every 10 lines? She was offered free surgeries, and took it!

  9. jennaroo says:

    Michael should be the next Bachelor after Ben is done. He deserves to hopefully find someone that will truly love him -(assuming that after filming, they get the chance to exist as a ‘normal’ couple and get to really know each other completely)… He seems like a real stand-up, sweet, not to mention so funny, guy. I think there would have always been some doubt there with Holly.

    • judi says:

      I agree ,Michael is someone any mom and da would be proud of.

    • Goob says:

      If Michael want to find a nice woman and have a chance as a normal couple – he should run away quickly from the Bachelor franchise.

      That they blindsided him with the “engagement” shows how low class everyone involved with this show is and he should have nothing to do with this show ever again.

  10. Nadine says:

    Great Article! Fine summation and accurate perception of a very interesting show that I can’t believe I found interesting.

  11. stevenjaba says:

    Creepy McPilotbot. Love it.

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 3,039 other followers