I know, I know, I might as well be asking you to watch eight cockroaches wrestling for a discarded chunk of frankfurter on a New York City subway platform and forcing you to choose which two are most worthy of getting their nibble on. But for those of you who, like myself, have been inexplicably addicted to Season 2 of ABC’s Bachelor Pad, I’m guessing you’ve got a reluctant rooting interest in how Monday night’s season finale plays out. Let me go ahead and rank our four remaining couples from “I guess I won’t retch if they take home the $250,000” to “I’m calling 911 and reporting a felony if these skanks get rewarded for their spectacular awfulness”:
Ella and Kirk: Producers have been giving them the “deserving” edit — her mom got murdered when she was a little girl, and now she’s a struggling single mom; he nearly died from mold exposure in college and is trying to rebuild his life. What’s more, the worst thing they’ve done this season is occasionally trying to convince us there’s a legit showmance happening between ’em (despite having all the chemistry of a potato and a mango). But if I’m being honest, my main reason for liking this pair is the joy I get from staring at Ella’s mighty spectacular tresses.
Michelle and Graham: He’s about as exciting as a box of Saltines, but Michelle’s been irreplaceable this season thanks to her ability to stir up s*** in the house, her relatively strong strategic game, and her brilliant narration skills. The show’s other single mom could make a solid claim to the cash prize based on this sound bite alone: ”Some people wear their emotions on their sleeves. But Melissa wears her emotions on every article of clothing she’s wearing every single day, including her hair tie. And her panties.” (Come to think of it, wouldn’t it be better if it was an Ella-Michelle victory? Make it happen, ABC!)
Holly and Michael: Known mainly for being at the center of a long, drawn-out, and incredibly dull “will they or won’t they reunite” romantic drama over the past six weeks. Honestly, writing a second sentence about this duo and their chance of winning makes me want to curl into the fetal position and take a long mid-morning nap.
Vienna and Kasey: She’s like the toxic scent of your television burping after a smorgasbord of the very worst reality junk. He’s a spray-tanned, mumbling himbo with the intelligence of a celery stalk and the bravado of a bullfighter. If these cats manage to win a quarter of a million dollars, I’ll meet you all at ABC headquarters Tuesday morning. I’ll bring the bricks; you bring the flaming torches.
On that upbeat note, take our poll below to vote for your “favorite” “couple,” then expand on your thoughts down in the comments. And for all my reality commentary — including a recap of the Bachelor Pad season finale — follow me on Twitter @MichaelSlezakTV.