Bachelor Pad Season Finale: Which 'Couple' 'Deserves' to 'Win'?

I know, I know, I might as well be asking you to watch eight cockroaches wrestling for a discarded chunk of frankfurter on a New York City subway platform and forcing you to choose which two are most worthy of getting their nibble on. But for those of you who, like myself, have been inexplicably addicted to Season 2 of ABC’s Bachelor Pad, I’m guessing you’ve got a reluctant rooting interest in how Monday night’s season finale plays out. Let me go ahead and rank our four remaining couples from “I guess I won’t retch if they take home the $250,000” to “I’m calling 911 and reporting a felony if these skanks get rewarded for their spectacular awfulness”:

Ella and Kirk: Producers have been giving them the “deserving” edit — her mom got murdered when she was a little girl, and now she’s a struggling single mom; he nearly died from mold exposure in college and is trying to rebuild his life. What’s more, the worst thing they’ve done this season is occasionally trying to convince us there’s a legit showmance happening between ’em (despite having all the chemistry of a potato and a mango). But if I’m being honest, my main reason for liking this pair is the joy I get from staring at Ella’s mighty spectacular tresses.

Michelle and Graham: He’s about as exciting as a box of Saltines, but Michelle’s been irreplaceable this season thanks to her ability to stir up s*** in the house, her relatively strong strategic game, and her brilliant narration skills. The show’s other single mom could make a solid claim to the cash prize based on this sound bite alone: ”Some people wear their emotions on their sleeves. But Melissa wears her emotions on every article of clothing she’s wearing every single day, including her hair tie. And her panties.” (Come to think of it, wouldn’t it be better if it was an Ella-Michelle victory? Make it happen, ABC!)

Holly and Michael: Known mainly for being at the center of a long, drawn-out, and incredibly dull “will they or won’t they reunite” romantic drama over the past six weeks. Honestly, writing a second sentence about this duo and their chance of winning makes me want to curl into the fetal position and take a long mid-morning nap.

Vienna and Kasey: She’s like the toxic scent of your television burping after a smorgasbord of the very worst reality junk. He’s a spray-tanned, mumbling himbo with the intelligence of a celery stalk and the bravado of a bullfighter. If these cats manage to win a quarter of a million dollars, I’ll meet you all at ABC headquarters Tuesday morning. I’ll bring the bricks; you bring the flaming torches.

On that upbeat note, take our poll below to vote for your “favorite” “couple,” then expand on your thoughts down in the comments. And for all my reality commentary — including a recap of the Bachelor Pad season finale — follow me on Twitter @MichaelSlezakTV.

Comments are monitored, so don’t go off topic, don’t frakkin’ curse and don’t bore us with how much your coworker’s sister-in-law makes per hour. Talk smart about TV!

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  1. chris says:

    None of them deserve the money. Was rooting for Ella until I heard about her plastic surgery operations. I guess Graham & Michelle.

  2. JJ says:

    I was Team Ella before the announcement/tabloid pictorial reveal of her Heidi Montag inspired 5-plastic-surgeries-in-one-day. Even if she did not pay for the procedures (reportedly done by Erica’s father in exchange for publicity), she still comes off as another fame seeking reality fraud. She constantly camera hogged with tearful talk of doing “anything for her son.” I guess that includes shoving him off to the care of others while she recovers from D-cup breast implants and liposuction.

  3. Amy says:

    Couldn’t it be Michelle and Michael? I’d like to see those two win.

    • Dane says:

      I WISH!

      Michelle is awesome but Graham bores me.

      Ella had me until the plastic surgery debacle. Kirk is dishwater.

      LOOOOVE Michael but Holly is a dirty skank.

      And Kasey/Vienna. ANYONE but them. Really.. ANYONE.

  4. lee says:

    team michelle and ella all the way! read my mind!

  5. Chris says:

    I would am all for Kirk and Ella or Graham and Michelle winning it all. I would be okay with Michael and Holly winning, as long as Michael chooses Keep and Holly chooses Share and he takes all her money…

  6. Nadine says:

    The spoilers are out there for who wins, so I’ll just say I was rooting for the runners-up.

  7. Ruddogg says:

    Reality Steve already announced the winners last week. if you want to know who wins, otherwise you can wait for the 3 hr finale tonight…

  8. satirex says:

    Slezak looks a lot less silly than he would otherwise by putting deserves in quotes in the article title.

  9. MK204 says:

    I like Ella and Kirk the best, not because of either’s sob story, but because they played the game with more integrity than the rest of this loony tune bunch. Kasey and Vienna…all they deserve is a sign on the freeway saying “Will work for airfare home”. Unfortunately they already moved to L.A. Yes we get all the dregs here in L.A. I imagine that one day we will hear that Jake has moved in with them on their quests to find fame and fortune in L.A. I live in the L.A. area and believe me…it’s not all “land of milk, honey and opportunity”.

    Michelle was a snake on The Bachelor Brad show so why would I think she’d change her stripes? Graham seems to me to be a puppet, easily led.

    Holly is immature. Are she and Blake really a couple or are the stories coming out just fiction perpetrated by the producers of this show. And Michael…he needs the money to get a backbone. I like Michael but he’s so vulnerable.

    So my vote goes to Ella and Kirk.

    Just so everyone knows…another Reality TV Blogger already spoiled the results, but I won’t tell you. You’ll have to search if you want to know.

  10. Mark says:

    Bleh so mad. I won’t get to watch until later because the show is being preempted for football.

  11. Ashley says:

    I thought RealitySteve mentioned who was in the finals. The vote is tonight by contestants who were already voted out. And its live. So how can he know the winners. let’s just say we know its between a certain two couples.

  12. Joline says:

    I lost all respect for Ella after she admitted to having FIVE plastic surgery operations in one day. Thought she was one of the more “normal” contestants but turns out she’s just as plastic and self-absorbed as the rest of them. I am rooting for Michelle/Graham all the way.

  13. notkasey says:

    Not vienna and kasey and I don’t care. She is icky. And he is creepy

  14. Deb says:

    ANYONE EXCEPT Kasey and Vienna!!!!!!

  15. Matt says:

    I LOVED Michelle this season. Definitely the smartest person in the house, and the least crazy/annoying. Which is saying a lot compared to how she was with Brad. I love her!!! But Graham has pretty much been a ghost this season so I would love for her and either Ella/Michael to win. Holly is just a hoe, and Kirk is nice and all but not too entertaining. I don’t think I have to bring up the other two “people”

  16. nichole says: