Big Brother Recap: 5 Telling Quotes from the 5 Remaining Houseguests

If you took a microscope to this week’s Big Brother, you’d find one uninspiring Petri dish. Our five remaining protozoa jiggled slightly, even splashing in a gelatinous undertow during the HOH challenge, but we’ve seen these Double Dare antics before. Even Rachel seemed bored when honking BRENNAAAAN’s name. That usually replenishes her electrolytes for up to 18 hours! Not so today. But is Rachel, the Vegas Valkyrie, finally set up for a Top 2 finish this season? Let’s investigate some key quotes this week to suss it out.

Here’s the salient narrative of Sunday’s episode for you recap purists: Rachel won HOH in a donut-themed relay, which is no surprise considering Adam, Kalia, and Jordan are famously useless in endurance challenges. Rachel cheered in victory and twirled her hair, which had vipers in it. She entertained negotiations with all the eligible evictees and eventually nominated Kalia and Porsche because they’re the only two left who won’t build Rachel and Jordan novelty thrones and prizefighter robes emblazoned with the words “WINNERS OF BIG BROTHER 13″ on them. Nice needlework, Adam!

So, yes, Rachel and/or Jordan is headed for the Top 3. And if Porsche and Kalia don’t scoop up the P.O.V. on Wednesday or HOH next week, your Season 13 finalists are set, and your embarrassing bronze medalist is Adam. Slow clap for the shame of it all. Add an extra clap for Tori Spelling’s totally depressing cameo as Adam’s Much-Touted Crush. I’m not so “Inn Love” with any storyline involving Adam’s 90210 fixation.

I’ll wait until the P.O.V. competition to unfurl my full terror, but in the meantime, let’s pick the single best quote from every member of the household this episode and study them like Van Gogh masterpieces. Note the use of shadow and light in Adam’s dumb soundbites, everyone!

Porsche: “I will definitely protect you [Rachel] next week, if you want to start ‘working together’ working together. It’s ultimately up to you.”
Man, Porsche is unconvincing in plea bargains. You’d think she’d have mastered the art, having argued against HOHs like Jeff in previous weeks, but she’s just as uncommitted and shruggy as ever. I’m looking for an underdog hero in Porsche, but so far she’s only shown a talent for wearing racerback sweats and opening her eyes super wide. This dialogue with Rachel up in the HOH room just confirms her social incapacity for the 50th time. Wake up, Porsche. Focus your gaze a bit. No one’s counting on you, so use that dark-horse positioning to your advantage! Somehow!

Jordan: “It didn’t really taste like a donut. It was real sprinkles though. The sprinkles tasted good. I kind of ate a couple, like in my mouth that were left over.”
That reads like erotic Krispy Kreme fanfic. Jordan’s ode to sprinkle mouthfeel was as sensual and sinister as any messageboard prose, and I’m happy that her proudest insight on Sunday came from stuffing fake donuts in her mouth during the relay. When you’ve got allies like Jeff, Brendon, and Rachel risking their game to protect you at any cost, I guess you can spend more time thinking about the tastiness of plastic crullers and long johns than “game moves.”

Adam: “I’m in the final five and Donna Martin is walking into the Big Brother house! I feel like I’ve already won!”
Just like you predicted back in July, Tori Spelling – Adam’s obsession, in case you didn’t know! — made a cameo in the house once Rachel opened Pandora’s Box in the HOH room. Adam was flabbergasted by Donna Martin’s presence, but most importantly, he mistook her short visit for a game victory. Oh, Adam. Doting on an Oxygen Network reality star is never the way victory occurs. Tolerable gameplay is a more likely method, at least ’round these parts. Please get started on that! It’s only Day 6462!

Kalia (to Rachel): “I think… we’re very similar in a lot of ways in the sense that we both believe in battling it out and coming and playing really hard no matter what the cost.”
Forget whatever I said about finding it difficult to back Kalia; I’m firmly on Team Oversleep! Though her reputation as a lazy (and unintuitive, really) player precedes her, the woman has done OK for herself in Chenbot Manor: She’s earned HOH twice, she’s smarter than a four-way hybrid of the other remaining combatants, and she’s right to call herself similar to Rachel in terms of feisty gameplay. At this point, I’m hoping she survives the chopping block, blasts through Rachel, Jordan, and Porsche with the firepower of a hypnotized Patty Hearst, and forces the antsy jury to choose between Adam and her. I assume then, justice will prevail for once, but I’ve assumed wrong in this game before.

Rachel: “I want to play [in the final four] with competitors. I think it is a travesty that Brendon, Daniele, and Jeff are in the jury house.”
Rachel yapped this self-congratulatory nonsense at Kalia, who appealed to her gamesmanship. This will blow your mind if you read my recaps regularly, but I will become a Rachel fan – a full-fledged, fist-pumping, hair-rouging fan — if she turns on Jordan and backdoors her this week. Here’s the thing: Rachel, for all of her infuriating personality tics, “buki” bawling, and squawking disorders, is a fine political player. Sure, Porsche’s Pandora’s Box snafu and Brendon’s comeback opportunity worked in Rachel’s favor (to a gross, seemingly calculated extent), but she’s had to cook her own ideas and win her own challenges to stay afloat in the game. Jordan, on the other hand? Has had to do nothing. I’d love for Rachel to make good on her allegiance to great players and fling Jordan into the broiler. It’s a pipe dream, yes, but it makes me fan myself in ecstasy. Of course, Rachel ended up not nominating Adam this week, which means her commitment to competing alongside “great competitors” is half-hearted at best. But still, an understimulated, overanalytical blogger can wish. Hopefully Rachel’s signed photos of Mr. PEC-tacular will inspire her to sniff out Jordan’s weak strategizing this season.

Are you excited for Rachel’s HOH win? Are you dismissive of this entire season? Are you dreaming of a Porsche/Kalia final two? Leave it in the comments, read me regularly at, and follow me on Twitter at @louisvirtel.

Comments are monitored, so don’t go off topic, don’t frakkin’ curse and don’t bore us with how much your coworker’s sister-in-law makes per hour. Talk smart about TV!

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  1. luke says:

    If Rachel were to turn on Jordan this week, it would be the dumbest move in BB history. Why would you turn on your only allie in the house when there’s still three other people and you can’t play for HOH? Also if you’re not watching the feeds then you don’t know that it was Jordan who has gottan Adam on there side. She’s been working on him for the past week and clearly its working because he said in the diary room that he was with them 100 percent. I don’t love Jordan, but she is the best social player left in the house.

    • Ivet says:

      Exactly, turning on Jordan would be utterly stupid, who would have her back then? And yes they dont show how Jordan is really the one who persuaded Adam. Hope Kalia goes home this week

      • Captain says:

        Turning on Jordan would certainly be stupid for her gameplay but every week she keeps Jordan and Adam in the house is another week she’s proving she’s full of crap with her “I want competitors in this game” mantra. She had no problem getting Daniele out and has pretty much targeted big players every week so she really needs a new motto. “I want people in this game that love me and want me to win” would be more fitting.

        • davey says:

          THANK YOU for saying what it is I’ve been yelling for the past YEAR (well….when I USED to watch this TRAVESTY of a TV show) in that Rachel SAYS she wants to play with the best competitors etc. but she always gets rid of them whenever she gets the chance – and she plays with useless competitors like Adam and Jordan who could not find their way out of a paper bag! Terrible season this has turned out to be. Porsche for the win????

          • Patty says:

            Yes Dave…This season was such a load of crap!!!…First by bowing down to the oldies, who are, in my opinion, a BUNCH of disfunctional LOSERS….In REAL LIFE, that is….Such a whiny bunch of Priveledged Babies!!…If I met anyone of them ever, I would have to tell them there is a REAL WORLD with people who have REAL problems…..They all deserve eachother…..I am hoping a newbie wins, not Adam though, that suck up loser…..Sorry he is from Jersey….I will not be watching this show again…..Patty

      • D says:

        “who would have her back then?”

        As much as I despise Rachel, she can destroy everyone in that house. Embarrass them, really. Add her natural talents to producer meddling and favoritism, she’s pretty much secured herself for Final 2. She doesn’t need anyone’s back. She doesn’t need HER OWN back to take care of Adam, Kalia, or Porsche.

        I don’t expect Rachel to turn on Jordan. It’d be an interesting game move, but she plays personally through and through.

    • Russ says:

      Rachel has to turn on Jordan sooner than later. If they are the final two than Jordan is just going to win again. She is actually the biggest threat in the game, just about everyone in the jury house would vote for her over Rachel (except Brendan). The sooner Rachel can see that the better for her.

      But if Jordan makes it to the last HOH comp. and doesn’t win hopefully the person who does will be smart enough to realize that Jordan could beat anyone in the house.

      • peggy says:

        Booting Jordan would be wise but at the same time very risky. If Jordan makes it to the final 2 with Rachel then Jordan will probably win b/c the jury members aren’t likely to vote on who’s the best player. But when/if Rachel boots Jordan she risks losing votes for the win. If Rachel makes it to the final 2 with Adam then it’s a possibility that Jordan/Jeff will vote against her. I would love to see Rachel win but I just don’t see how she can

        • JD says:

          Rachel will win in a Final 2 with ANY of the remaining contestants. The only close vote would be against Jordan, and i’m pretty confident she can even pull that off, unless Jordan suddenly and inexplicibly wins every remaining competition. Jordan would have votes from jeff and shelly, and possibly Kalia. Rachel would have votes from Brendon, Porsche, Daniele (the only person this season who has the mental capacity to separate Game from Personal Issues…and she does NOT respect Jordan’s game), and probably Adam (who has said in the past that he loves Rachel’s game play). unless Adam had a huge, unprecedented for a BB super-fan, change of heart, Rachel wins. she would destroy any of the other contestants in final 2 as well.

    • Jodi says:

      I agree if Rachael turns on Jordan that would be the biggest mistake for her, Rachael has totally grown as a person and should be able to regain some creditability with fans. Rachael you would be nuts to do it since she has befriended you and can go right to jury to tell them and their goes your prize

    • ultimate troll says:

      Rachel would be smart to turn on Jordan – just not now. Right now her best game move is to remove the two most dangerous players in the house. Once K & P are gone she’s golden. She either wins out and takes whoever she wants to final 2 (Adam if she’s smart) or Jordan/Adam wins final HoH and . . . wait, that’s never going to happen.

  2. Peter says:

    I don’t really think Rachel or Jordan with turn on each other ever, they’re both really loyal to their allies, so I think they’re really honest when say they want to be with each other in the final two. I think it would be a really bad move to nominate Adam, because everybody knows he’s useless, so he won’t win any competitions and you can even carry him to the top 2 because nobody will vote for him to win. I’d rather have Kalia staying than Porsche, but I don’t think it’ll happen unless she wins the POV.

  3. Christina says:

    The last few weeks of every season sure drag on. Once they get to the top six they need to wrap this show up in two weeks max. Especially when you’ve got dull people like Adam and Kalia at the end. It will be a shame if Adam wins this. His only strategy has been to blow with the wind to which ever side has power.

    • Captain says:

      The biggest problem is the best players always get out by the mid-way point and we’re left with unlikable losers in the final 5. As soon as Britney got out last year, I was done. This year, it was Daniele.

      • April says:

        I don’t understand everyone’s love for Dani… Stupid, stupid Gameplay should be on her BB headstone. The only thing she proved this year is that she is better off when her dad is in the house. Now, I absolutely LOVE Rachel and I love Jordan. For completely different reasons. Rachel is a competitor. She’s a fighter. And she’s pretty damn loyal. Mostly to Brenchel, but once she and Brendon were split up she fought for Jordan as well as herself. And Jordan is nice and she plays her social game well. People have underestimated both of them and I think it’ll be awesome if they have to choke on their words about the two of them (I’m talking to you Dani and Kalia) and vote for one of the vets to win. I think Rachel would be an underdog in a final 2 with Jordan and if Adam somehow wins final HOH, Rachel needs to point out to him that none of the Vets will vote for him and Shelly will probably vote for Jordan out of guilt. Since the newbies and Dani have this irrational hatred for Rachel, that’s his best chance at winning.

  4. Buffy Freak says:

    Further proof that the producers are trying to get us to sympathize with Rachel….she was locked in a room with that meathead Jesse…UGH! LOL! I actually loved the way Rachel dealt with him…pretty much alternately ignoring and patronizing him…

  5. Teresa says:

    Adam should use the veto and vote Jordan out she floated AGAIN and does not deserve to win any money. There are mostly vets in the jury and they are not going to vote for Adam. What is going through that dufus mind of his ugh!

    • forrest says:

      Adam to the final 2 for a no-contest win for whoever drags him along. $50,000 for doing nothing but patronize whoever was in power, sing your label *Tori Spelling*Appltini’s* and brag of how you won a competition that was thrown to you. And this could set a pattern for future contestants – ugh!

  6. Drew says:

    I kind of love that Rachel won HOH, if only because I hate two weeks with the exact same storyline. Can’t stop the confessionals and the fact that every player left has had the same agenda for weeks. But if I had to deal with a third week of Kalia/Porsche on top and Rachel/Jordan on bottom trying to claw up, I would have been sorely disappointed. Rachel and Kalia are my ideal final two, but I don’t see a single final three scenario that would lead to either of them picking the other. I feel like both of them would take Jordan, Porsche, or Adam, over the other player that actually fought.

  7. RJ says:

    Kalia put up her own alliance member in oen of the worst run HOH weeks of ALL time and you think she’s deserving of final 2? Hell no.

    • Sivat says:

      Did you hear she threw her Yorkie at a wall because she was mad at it? This bitch deserves nothing!

      • Kathryn says:

        Equally horrifying was when she thought it was hilarious that one of her friend’s dogs died when her friend accidently dropped a bowl of mashed potatoes on its head. I wish CBS would show some of that!!

        • Sivat says:

          Anyone who finds humour in animals being killed is a sick, sick f**k.

          • tripoli says:

            That’s the only comment you’ve ever made that I can agree with. Now I can feel perfectly fine with my utter hatred for that women. What a disgusting excuse for a human being.

      • forrest says:

        her explanation was that the dog bit her / was biting her and as a reflex reaction she threw the dog against a wall – …..

    • jODI says:

      Sorry but P/K have slept the whole season and ate more then Brendon. Kalia has used the race card every chance she can. I would not mind she doesnt need the money. Please make sure someone who needs the money to win. P/K/D/S have been the cruelest people in BB history by their cruel uncalled for comments and as far as the prego comments of Rachael. They talked nasty nasty things about hg. Please dont let P/K win it would be a travesty

  8. Sivat says:

    This show is still on? I stopped watching when Daniele got evicted.

    • Whatever says:

      If only you would stop telling us about it as well…

    • JD says:

      OMG stop submitting this comment to EVERY RECAP. no one cares that you no longer watch. and if you’ve really given up on the season, why are you still reading the recaps? news flash: CBS doesn’t care that they’ve lost one viewer. their ratings are the best they’ve been in years right now. deal with it.

  9. Mark says:

    Lol the funniest part of the episode for me was when all the girls were fawning over Brendon and Kalia was all and here we have Adam and it’s like heyyyy and she makes that disgusted face. I lolled hard.

  10. beth says:

    Only Rachel deserves to win this thing.

  11. tee says:

    I really think Rachel deserves this Big Brother win. She has worked so hard – changed up her social game as well and has stuck to her alliance throughout the game. Kalia needs to go as do Porshe and Adam needs to come in third. He is a nothing at competitions. Jordan could take the $50,000 grand but not the big prize. That belongs to Rachel this year.

    • D says:

      Jordan shouldn’t take anything. She’s been floating through and through. The snake HOH cemented it. She was completely responsible for keeping herself safe. No one could save her or throw the competition and give it to her. Aaaaaaaaand she bombed.

      None of them deserve anything. They all either dominate one aspect of the game and suck at the other, or are just all around terrible. If a list must be made on who “deserves” the money:
      Rachel > Porsche > Kalia > Jordan > Adam.

      • Julie says:

        I completely agree with your rankings. I actually like Jordan, but I’m going to be bummed if she wins because she hasn’t played a strong game. Technically, I’m not sure if she’d be considered a floater because she’s consistently stayed in one alliance, but she has just mostly tagged along and been carried by her alliance.

  12. Jeff says:

    I enjoyed this episode of Rigged Brother. It was nice to see the real pandoras box they had planned all along and not that rushed, pathetic rig to save America’s Idiot Princess Jordan from last week.

    • Jenn says:

      Completely agree, nice to see a real Pandora’s box. However, the HOH was rigged just like last week’s POV. Oh Rachel, you won a competition that is almost identical to the one you won last time you competed in Big Brother, wow we’re shocked.

      And for all the people saying Rachel deserves to win, I agree that she is the best competitor left (even though that is not saying much), but she doesn’t deserve to win. Great competitors don’t need Big Brother to throw competitions to win. Great competitors deserve to win, Rachel is only winning by default.

      • April says:

        Seriously? I wish people would quit saying its rigged because Dani is gone. Honestly, I’m thrilled Rachel and Jordan are still there. THRILLED!!! It would be a boring house without them there. Also, its about damn time there’s a real consequence from Pandora’s Box. Screwing up someone’s HOH is about as punished as you can get. And who jeopardizes their game for 1 percent of the prize money? Porshe sucks. Kalia sleeps all the damn time. Rachel and Jordan deserve final 2 out of everyone left. Rachel fought the hardest to win.

  13. AngieD says:

    Rachel’s best move this week is to ensure that the alliance of Portia and Kalia is broken. Since only 1 can win veto, it’s guaranteed that 1 of them will go home.

    After 1 of them is eliminated, then it means that Jordan has to win HOH because Adam and Portia would be stupid to not break the alliance of Rachel/Jordan. If Jordan doesn’t win HOH, then either Jordan or Rachel must win veto. J or R take themselves off the block and as the sole voter vote the non-HOH person out of the house.

    If Jordan wins HOH next week, her best move is to put Portia/Kalia and Rachel on the block… and then would backdoor Adam if Rachel doesn’t win veto. If she puts Adam and Portia/Kalia on the block and one of them wins veto, then Jordan would have to put Rachel on the block and then the veto winner could vote Rachel out.

    • forrest says:

      That’s what I thought LAST WEEK with Rachal Jordan on the block, but production intervened with Pandora’s box and decided to have couples again for 1 week. Oh, I forgot, Portia and Kalia aren’t America’s darlings, so that won’t happen this week. Eviction Wednesday – & Eviction Thursday right? – to get down to the final 3?

  14. lisa says:

    I agree. Rachel should keep Jordan. Jordan may not win everything but she is who got Adam on their side and is keeping him there. Also she keeps Rachel from going off. Keeps her calm and does lots if the talking so things go smoother.As Rachel said being a competitor is not winning every competition. If Rachel plays her cards right,she will bd in final 2.

  15. lisa says:

    Kalia needs to go.She never shuts up and is a snooty person. She can not be trusted.Portia will fall to who is in power once Kalia is gone.I think we will see final 2 are Adam,Rachel and Jordan.Then let them fight it out

  16. j says:

    Rachel won’t run on Jordan. She would be smart to take her to final 2. 1- Jordan has already won so the jury will say why not give it to someone else and share the wealth. 2 – Rachel has won more comps than Jordan and is a better competitor. If the jury considers that she will win hands down. Spoiler – adam got the pov and did not use it so either porsche or kalia are going. Smart move is to get porsche, the better competitor of the two, out of the house now. Then jordan or adam need to get hoh – yeah, I know, slim chance. But one can hope. As much as I am sure the houseguests are as tired as I am of hearing Kalia talking and talking and talking she is a lesser competitor than porsche.

  17. The WB Frog says:

    Anyone else think Louis dislikes Jordan because of Jeff’s remarks?

    Oh, back to the worst BB season ever…