Big Brother Recap: 5 Telling Quotes from the 5 Remaining Houseguests

If you took a microscope to this week’s Big Brother, you’d find one uninspiring Petri dish. Our five remaining protozoa jiggled slightly, even splashing in a gelatinous undertow during the HOH challenge, but we’ve seen these Double Dare antics before. Even Rachel seemed bored when honking BRENNAAAAN’s name. That usually replenishes her electrolytes for up to 18 hours! Not so today. But is Rachel, the Vegas Valkyrie, finally set up for a Top 2 finish this season? Let’s investigate some key quotes this week to suss it out.

Here’s the salient narrative of Sunday’s episode for you recap purists: Rachel won HOH in a donut-themed relay, which is no surprise considering Adam, Kalia, and Jordan are famously useless in endurance challenges. Rachel cheered in victory and twirled her hair, which had vipers in it. She entertained negotiations with all the eligible evictees and eventually nominated Kalia and Porsche because they’re the only two left who won’t build Rachel and Jordan novelty thrones and prizefighter robes emblazoned with the words “WINNERS OF BIG BROTHER 13″ on them. Nice needlework, Adam!

So, yes, Rachel and/or Jordan is headed for the Top 3. And if Porsche and Kalia don’t scoop up the P.O.V. on Wednesday or HOH next week, your Season 13 finalists are set, and your embarrassing bronze medalist is Adam. Slow clap for the shame of it all. Add an extra clap for Tori Spelling’s totally depressing cameo as Adam’s Much-Touted Crush. I’m not so “Inn Love” with any storyline involving Adam’s 90210 fixation.

I’ll wait until the P.O.V. competition to unfurl my full terror, but in the meantime, let’s pick the single best quote from every member of the household this episode and study them like Van Gogh masterpieces. Note the use of shadow and light in Adam’s dumb soundbites, everyone!

Porsche: “I will definitely protect you [Rachel] next week, if you want to start ‘working together’ working together. It’s ultimately up to you.”
Man, Porsche is unconvincing in plea bargains. You’d think she’d have mastered the art, having argued against HOHs like Jeff in previous weeks, but she’s just as uncommitted and shruggy as ever. I’m looking for an underdog hero in Porsche, but so far she’s only shown a talent for wearing racerback sweats and opening her eyes super wide. This dialogue with Rachel up in the HOH room just confirms her social incapacity for the 50th time. Wake up, Porsche. Focus your gaze a bit. No one’s counting on you, so use that dark-horse positioning to your advantage! Somehow!

Jordan: “It didn’t really taste like a donut. It was real sprinkles though. The sprinkles tasted good. I kind of ate a couple, like in my mouth that were left over.”
That reads like erotic Krispy Kreme fanfic. Jordan’s ode to sprinkle mouthfeel was as sensual and sinister as any messageboard prose, and I’m happy that her proudest insight on Sunday came from stuffing fake donuts in her mouth during the relay. When you’ve got allies like Jeff, Brendon, and Rachel risking their game to protect you at any cost, I guess you can spend more time thinking about the tastiness of plastic crullers and long johns than “game moves.”

Adam: “I’m in the final five and Donna Martin is walking into the Big Brother house! I feel like I’ve already won!”
Just like you predicted back in July, Tori Spelling – Adam’s obsession, in case you didn’t know! — made a cameo in the house once Rachel opened Pandora’s Box in the HOH room. Adam was flabbergasted by Donna Martin’s presence, but most importantly, he mistook her short visit for a game victory. Oh, Adam. Doting on an Oxygen Network reality star is never the way victory occurs. Tolerable gameplay is a more likely method, at least ’round these parts. Please get started on that! It’s only Day 6462!

Kalia (to Rachel): “I think… we’re very similar in a lot of ways in the sense that we both believe in battling it out and coming and playing really hard no matter what the cost.”
Forget whatever I said about finding it difficult to back Kalia; I’m firmly on Team Oversleep! Though her reputation as a lazy (and unintuitive, really) player precedes her, the woman has done OK for herself in Chenbot Manor: She’s earned HOH twice, she’s smarter than a four-way hybrid of the other remaining combatants, and she’s right to call herself similar to Rachel in terms of feisty gameplay. At this point, I’m hoping she survives the chopping block, blasts through Rachel, Jordan, and Porsche with the firepower of a hypnotized Patty Hearst, and forces the antsy jury to choose between Adam and her. I assume then, justice will prevail for once, but I’ve assumed wrong in this game before.

Rachel: “I want to play [in the final four] with competitors. I think it is a travesty that Brendon, Daniele, and Jeff are in the jury house.”
Rachel yapped this self-congratulatory nonsense at Kalia, who appealed to her gamesmanship. This will blow your mind if you read my recaps regularly, but I will become a Rachel fan – a full-fledged, fist-pumping, hair-rouging fan — if she turns on Jordan and backdoors her this week. Here’s the thing: Rachel, for all of her infuriating personality tics, “buki” bawling, and squawking disorders, is a fine political player. Sure, Porsche’s Pandora’s Box snafu and Brendon’s comeback opportunity worked in Rachel’s favor (to a gross, seemingly calculated extent), but she’s had to cook her own ideas and win her own challenges to stay afloat in the game. Jordan, on the other hand? Has had to do nothing. I’d love for Rachel to make good on her allegiance to great players and fling Jordan into the broiler. It’s a pipe dream, yes, but it makes me fan myself in ecstasy. Of course, Rachel ended up not nominating Adam this week, which means her commitment to competing alongside “great competitors” is half-hearted at best. But still, an understimulated, overanalytical blogger can wish. Hopefully Rachel’s signed photos of Mr. PEC-tacular will inspire her to sniff out Jordan’s weak strategizing this season.

Are you excited for Rachel’s HOH win? Are you dismissive of this entire season? Are you dreaming of a Porsche/Kalia final two? Leave it in the comments, read me regularly at Movieline.com, and follow me on Twitter at @louisvirtel.