The TVLine-Up: Your Guide to 80 Labor Day Weekend Marathons!

Labor Day is all about talking a day off to relax and celebrate the unofficial end of summer. But for TV viewers, there may be no rest for your remote. TVLine has labored (sorry) to compile a cheat sheet of the many offerings this holiday weekend. CLOO (fka Sleuth) might take the cake with four marathons over three days, but Monday presents a Sophie’s Choice of options from old (The Golden Girls) to cult (Buffy) to new (Wilfred). Scan the list and tell us what you’ll be watching.

FRIDAY, SEPT. 2
The Rachel Zoe Project (Bravo, 6 am – 3 pm EST) | The marathon kicks off with Zoe picking out Jennifer Garner’s Oscar dress just two days before the event. And that, kids, is why so many people end up on the Worst list.

America’s Next Top Model (Oxygen, 8 am – 8 pm) | Twelve hours of Tyra histrionics!

Star Trek: The Next Generation (Syfy, 8 am – 8 pm) | The all-day affair features 12 episodes selected via a viewer poll (so if you don’t like the choices, you only have yourself to blame).

College Hill: Virgin Islands (BET, 9 am – 5 pm) | That title is begging for trouble.

Gangland (Spike TV, 9 am – Saturday, 12:38 am) | And now for some light viewing, the story of America’s most notorious street gangs. OK, maybe not so light.

Oddities (Science Channel, 9 am – 3 pm) | Follow the adventures at Obscura Antiques and Oddities.

Keeping Up With the Kardashians (E!, 1 – 7 pm) | Were you puzzled when Rob Kardashian was announced as a contestant on Dancing With the Stars? Find out who he is, with this marathon.

Criminal Minds (A&E, 5 pm – Saturday, 4 am) | Unsubs never sleep, and neither will you during this overnight marathon.

Dr. Phil (OWN, 6 pm – Saturday, 2 am) | If you’re not cured of all your problems by the end of this marathon, we think it’s only fair to ask for those hours back.

Frasier (WEtv, 8 pm – Saturday, 1 am) | See the lighter side of Kelsey Grammer before he debuts as Starz’ dark Boss.

That ’70s Show (Nickelodeon, 9 pm – Saturday, 5 am) | The show that gave us future Two and a Half Men star Ashton Kutcher. (Also airs Saturday, 9 pm – Sunday, 4 pm and Sunday, 8 pm – Monday, 4 am.)

Battlestar Galactica (BBC America, 9 pm – Saturday, 6 pm) | Take to the skies and watch Ronald D. Moore’s cult classic from the beginning.

SATURDAY, SEPT. 3
Roseanne (TV Land, 2:15 – 6 am) | Before she started growing nuts, Roseanne was just trying to raise a nuts family.

Married … With Children (TBS, 3:30 – 7 am) | True story: Ed O’Neill’s brand-new Hollywood Walk of Fame star is situated outside a shoe store!

Little House on the Prairie (Hallmark Channel, 6 am – Sunday, 6 am) | Imagine having to wear this wardrobe for nine seasons.

The Unit (CLOO, 6 am – 1 pm) | Scott Foley’s coming to True Blood as a platoon leader, but he already played a Sergeant in this CBS military drama.

America the Story of Us (History, 8 am – 8 pm) | How much high school U.S. history do you remember?

The Bernie Mac Show (BET, 8 am – 4:30 pm) | Check out the late comic’s Fox sitcom, which ran for five seasons.

The Twilight Zone (Chiller, 8 am – 2 pm) | You are about to enter… yada yada yada.

Man vs. Food (Travel Channel, 9 am – 2 pm) | Eat your way across the U.S. with carnivorous host Adam Richman.

Sister, Sister (Gospel Music Channel, 9 am – 2 pm) | Before they were arguing on Style’s Tia and Tamera, they were trying to keep their families together on this sitcom.

Border Wars (Nat Geo, 11 am – 7 pm) | Thanks to Weeds, we already know about underground tunnels. But this show actually films in the real ones.

Burn Notice (CLOO, 1 pm – Sunday, 6 am) | [Cue Michael Westen voiceover] “When preparing for a weekend TV marathon, it’s important to acquire the right snacks. Chips and popcorn are the commonly chosen options, but yogurt is a healthier option — and it holds up well.”

Ghost Whisperer (Wetv, 1 pm – 1 am) | That’s a lot of people crossing over.

Three’s Company (TV Land, 2:25 – 6:17 pm) | John Ritter, we miss you. (Also airs Sunday, 2:15 – 7:09 am, and Monday, 2:25 – 5:43 pm.)

Extreme Couponing (TLC, 3 – 10 pm) | Watch 1, Get 6 Free!

Hoarders (A&E, 3 pm – Sunday, 4 am) | Ah, yes, the last supporters of print media. Thanks for saving that newspaper from 1972!

I (Almost) Got Away With It (Discovery, 4 – 10 pm) | If only it weren’t for those meddling kids!

Lonesome Dove (AMC, 4 pm – 4 am) | AMC airs the 1989 Emmy-nominated miniseries starring Robert Duvall, Tommy Lee Jones and Danny Glover in its entirety.

The Millionaire Matchmaker (Bravo, 5 – 9 pm) | Patti plays matchmaker – and tries to set some rich noggins straight – in this mini-marathon.

Restaurant: Impossible (Food Network, 7 – 11 pm) | Like Kitchen Nightmares, but with less cursing.

SUNDAY, SEPT. 4
Law & Order: Criminal Intent (CLOO, 6 am – Monday, 6 am) | Early risers, get your dose of justice.

Top Gear (BBC America, 6 am – Monday, 6 am) | Celebs making an appearance during this marathon include Tom Cruise, Cameron Diaz, Andy Garcia, Jay Leno, Rupert Grint, Guy Ritchie, Mark Wahlberg and Simon Pegg. (Also airs Monday from 8 am – 9 pm.)

The Waltons (Hallmark Channel, 6 am – Monday, 6 am) | Classic TV lovers, this one’s for you. (G’night, John-Boy!)

How the States Got Their Shapes (History, 8 am – 2 pm) | We’re always been curious about Florida.

The A-List: New York (Logo, 9 am – 3 pm) | If you ever wished The Real Housewives were more fabulous, this is the show for you. (Also airs Monday, 5 – 11 pm.)

The Real Housewives of New Jersey (Bravo, 10 am – midnight) | Then again, you may just want Real Housewives.

Monster Bug Wars (Science Channel, 9 am – 3 pm) | If spiders freak you out, then you probably don’t want to watch this marathon.

Say Yes to the Dress (TLC, 9 am – 1 pm) | So pretty. So crazy expensive.

Awkward (MTV, 11:30 am – 3 pm) | Get caught up on MTV’s best new series with all of the previously aired episodes of this charming, funny teen comedy.

Police POV (truTV, noon – 4 pm) | This docuseries takes a look at crime through the eyes of the cops.

Snapped (Oxygen, noon – midnight) | This show, guys, is why you should always do what the woman says.

Two and a Half Men (FX, noon – midnight) | Like Charlie, this marathon doesn’t get started until afternoon but lasts well into the night.

Bridezillas (Wetv, 1 – 10 pm) | For those who find Say Yes to the Dress too nice and cuddly.

48 Hours: Hard Evidence (TLC, 2 – 8 pm) | Correspondent Maureen Maher takes viewers through real cases of murder, missing persons and the like.

Pawn Stars (History, 2 – 8 pm) | What has more drama potential: A family-owned business or haggling?

How’s It Made (Science Channel, 3 – 8 pm) | The perfect program for curious children. Bonus: adults get to enjoy the day off while they watch! (Also airs Monday, 6 am – 10 pm.)

50 Documentaries to See Before You Die (Current TV, 8:30 pm) | Morgan Spurlock (Fast Food Nation) counts down 50 of the best modern docs over five one-hour episodes. (Also airs Monday at 12:30 pm.)

I Survived (Bio, 6 pm – Monday, 4 am) | Survival stories to awe you.

MONDAY, SEPT. 5
Buffy the Vampire Slayer (Chiller, 12 am – 8 pm) | Well, there’s no leaving the house now. We’ve found our happy place.

Law & Order: SVU (CLOO, 6 am – 11 pm) | It’s true – there really is a Law & Order episode on somewhere at any time of day.

NCIS (USA Network, 6 am – 9 pm) | An “on location”-themed marathon.

American Pickers (History, 8 am – 8 pm) | Ever heard the expression, “One person’s trash is another’s treasure”? These guy restore what you throw out.

Big Rich Texas (Style, 8 am – 1 pm) | Find out how style is done in Texas.

Criminal Minds (A&E, 8 am – 10 pm) | The gang gets into the heads of criminals until the season finale of The Glades arrives at 10 pm.

American Chopper: Senior vs. Junior (Discovery, 9 am – 10 pm) | The Season 7 marathon concludes with Junior and Senior sitting down to resolve the lawsuit that’s torn their family apart.

American Ninja Warrior (G4, 9 am – Tuesday, 4 am) | Does this show remind anyone else of Nickelodeon’s Guts, only seriously hardcore?

Degrassi (TeenNick, 9 am – Midnight) | More secret pregnancies, physical and emotional issues, and addictions than all of 90210, new and old, combined.

Jersey Shore (MTV, 9 am – 10 pm) | Celebrate Labor Day by watching people for whom partying and fighting is “labor.”

Chopped (Food Network, 10 am – 4 pm) | Confession: We’re totally addicted to this competition series. Color us impressed, chefs.

The Real Housewives of Orange County (Bravo, 10 am – 9 pm) | The all-day affair leads into the now tragedy-tinged premiere of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills at 9 pm.

Rhett & Link (IFC, 10:30 am – 1 pm) | The web stars graduate to the TV screen.

The Bad Girls Club (Oxygen, 11 am – 10 pm) | It’s a bad behavior marathon.

My So-Called Life (Sundance, 11 am – 7 pm) | The teen drama that makes all other teen dramas jealous.

One Tree Hill (SOAPnet, 11 am – 8 pm ) | Get ready for Chad Michael Murray’s return with this Lucas and Peyton-themed marathon, starting with the series’ second episode and closing with Murray and Hilarie Burton’s last episode.

The Secret Life of the American Teenager (ABC Family, 11 am – 9 pm) | Try to keep count of how many times they say “sex.” We dare you.

Supersize vs. Superskinny (OWN, 11 am – 6 pm) | Can’t we all just find a nice, healthy middle ground?

World’s Dumbest … (truTV, 11 am – 8 pm) | It’s a marathon of the world’s dumbest drivers, partiers, interventions, performers and motorheads. So basically a marathon to make to you feel better about yourself

Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations (Travel Channel, noon – 4 am) | Hey, remember when Bradley Cooper played Bourdain in the short-lived Fox comedy Kitchen Confidential?

How I Met Your Mother (FX, noon – midnight) | This marathon is missing some great episodes – no “Slap Bet”? – but it does have “Swarley,” “Ten Sessions” and “Bad News.”

The Closer (TNT, 1 – 10 pm) | Thank you.

Jerseylicious (Style, 1 – 7 pm) | Between this and MTV’s Jersey Shore marathon, maybe Labor Day should just be renamed Jersey Day.

Picker Sisters (Lifetime, 1 – 5 pm) | No relation to History’s American Pickers marathon. Really.

Undercover Boss (TLC, 1 – 9 pm) | The CBS reality hit in which CEOs poses as regular employees gets a second run on the cable network.

Wilfred (IFC, 1 – 4 pm) | Catch six episodes of FX’s freshman comedy series starring Elijah Wood and a guy in a dog costume.

Dance Moms (Lifetime, 4 pm – Tuesday, 4 am) | Our Michael Slezak took a Dumpster Dive and gave it a look. Will you?

The Office (TBS, 4 – 8 pm) | This mini-marathon includes greats like “Fun Run” Parts 1 and 2 and “Traveling Salesman.”

Family Guy (TBS, 8 – 11pm) | TBS keeps the laughs going with some classic episodes of the Fox comedy, including “Stewie Kills Lois” and “Lois Kills Stewie.”

Friends (Nickelodeon, 8 pm – Tuesday, 5:30 am) | They really will always be there for you.

The Golden Girls (WE, 8 pm – Tuesday, 1 am) | A perfect way to close out the weekend, if you ask us.