Big Brother Recap: Five Alive, Barely

After a brutal week of lessons that Porsche and Kalia won’t soon forget, Headmistress Chenbot flung her elimination ruler at either Shelly or Adam during Thursday night’s Big Brother. Did Jordan, Rachel, and Kalia vote to keep the sad non-competitor Adam or the all-beige matriarch Shelly? The answer may rile your electronic fortune-teller.

Shelly speechified at Rachel and Jordan, but the yammering duo now called “Jochel” voted her out of the house in a 2-1 vote. (Thanks for the effort, Kalia!) As far as I’m concerned, Shelly was the last player in the game who survived on her own merits, and not because a bigger, stronger, worthier player was eliminated protecting her. She was self-sufficient and a consummate thespian when it came to wheedling even the most aloof houseguest. And also? She was damn fun to watch. Even this week, when the umber mama flashed a phony ring at Rachel and convinced her it was a family heirloom, I had to chuckle at Shelly’s knack for endearing and ensnaring. She’ll stare you down with her bleak eyes – those black, synthetic opals — and compel you with articulate, dramatic dishonesty. This game loses an enjoyable thug in Shelly. In fact, it doesn’t feel like a game – it’s more a retirement home for wives and stepchildren who hid in cupboards to survive a disastrous civil war. At least we won’t have to hear her apologize for “hurting” Jordan and Jeff’s big, heart-shaped friendship feelings again. My god.

While it was cute (even therapeutic!) to watch Brendon, Jeff and my righteous dark lord Daniele make nice in the Jury House, let’s focus the remainder of our pre-weekend energy ranking the remaining players. The standings are grim.

5. Adam
The point of these rankings is to select an eventual winner, and I don’t think any possible permutation puts Adam in a position to take the $500,000. No self-respecting jury member can vote for a man who put most of his effort into being loud during confessionals. And mastering the art of turning the phrase, “I love 90210!” into a “persona.” If he entered the final two against Kalia, the jury would elect Kalia. Against Porsche? They’d vote Porsche. Against Jordan or Rachel? Hell, I’d vote for Jordan and Rachel over Adam – and I practically receive my own death threats regarding my leftist, anti-Jorff beliefs!

4. Kalia
As I’ve said time and again, it’s difficult to rally behind Kalia. She’s a booksmart contender with little finesse, and for that she’d probably lose the jury’s vote to Porsche in a final two showdown. She needs to trap Adam in a final-two grudge match if she wants victory, otherwise I can’t envision a monetary windfall for The New Carrie Bradshaw in the near future.

3. Porsche
I had a good feeling about Porsche as a late-entry underdog, but that euphoria withered like an old caffeine high when she accepted the Pandora’s Box deal and inflicted the partnership provision on the house. Just think: We could be watching Porsche, Shelly, and Kalia kick around Jordan and Adam as Rachel wept among the other castoffs. Hope that $5,000 booby prize is spent on something other than prize boobies.

2. Jordan
Normally Jordan would take first, but it occurred to me that earning a second $500,000 reward is quite unlikely. And unfair. Because if it’s between “mischiev-i-ous” Jordan and cackling frightwig Rachel, the jury should bend towards justice – even if it means championing the most annoying reality star since Joey from The Real World: Cancun.

1. Rachel
Unless Porsche ups her game and pulls off a milquetoast, “Least Threatening” victory like Fabio in Survivor: Nicaragua, it looks Rachel is cruising in pole position. Sure, Rachel’s lucky, as plenty of the challenges in which she won HOH or POV suited her talents, but she holds a certain power over the remaining tenants. They don’t fear her, but they don’t quite get her either – which I admit is a credit to Rachel, since she’s never unsure about her own gameplay. Could it be that Brendon’s buki is very likely to win? Is that why my face is turning an angry shade of Clairol fuchsia right now?

What did you think of last night’s elimination? Do you miss Shelly’s gameplay, even if you don’t miss her? Are you optimistic for Porsche’s chances? Is Adam a real thing or not? Did we invent him? Do you like Fight Club? Leave your comments below, read me regularly at Movieline.com, and follow me on Twitter @louisvirtel!