Big Brother Recap: Five Alive, Barely

After a brutal week of lessons that Porsche and Kalia won’t soon forget, Headmistress Chenbot flung her elimination ruler at either Shelly or Adam during Thursday night’s Big Brother. Did Jordan, Rachel, and Kalia vote to keep the sad non-competitor Adam or the all-beige matriarch Shelly? The answer may rile your electronic fortune-teller.

Shelly speechified at Rachel and Jordan, but the yammering duo now called “Jochel” voted her out of the house in a 2-1 vote. (Thanks for the effort, Kalia!) As far as I’m concerned, Shelly was the last player in the game who survived on her own merits, and not because a bigger, stronger, worthier player was eliminated protecting her. She was self-sufficient and a consummate thespian when it came to wheedling even the most aloof houseguest. And also? She was damn fun to watch. Even this week, when the umber mama flashed a phony ring at Rachel and convinced her it was a family heirloom, I had to chuckle at Shelly’s knack for endearing and ensnaring. She’ll stare you down with her bleak eyes – those black, synthetic opals — and compel you with articulate, dramatic dishonesty. This game loses an enjoyable thug in Shelly. In fact, it doesn’t feel like a game – it’s more a retirement home for wives and stepchildren who hid in cupboards to survive a disastrous civil war. At least we won’t have to hear her apologize for “hurting” Jordan and Jeff’s big, heart-shaped friendship feelings again. My god.

While it was cute (even therapeutic!) to watch Brendon, Jeff and my righteous dark lord Daniele make nice in the Jury House, let’s focus the remainder of our pre-weekend energy ranking the remaining players. The standings are grim.

5. Adam
The point of these rankings is to select an eventual winner, and I don’t think any possible permutation puts Adam in a position to take the $500,000. No self-respecting jury member can vote for a man who put most of his effort into being loud during confessionals. And mastering the art of turning the phrase, “I love 90210!” into a “persona.” If he entered the final two against Kalia, the jury would elect Kalia. Against Porsche? They’d vote Porsche. Against Jordan or Rachel? Hell, I’d vote for Jordan and Rachel over Adam – and I practically receive my own death threats regarding my leftist, anti-Jorff beliefs!

4. Kalia
As I’ve said time and again, it’s difficult to rally behind Kalia. She’s a booksmart contender with little finesse, and for that she’d probably lose the jury’s vote to Porsche in a final two showdown. She needs to trap Adam in a final-two grudge match if she wants victory, otherwise I can’t envision a monetary windfall for The New Carrie Bradshaw in the near future.

3. Porsche
I had a good feeling about Porsche as a late-entry underdog, but that euphoria withered like an old caffeine high when she accepted the Pandora’s Box deal and inflicted the partnership provision on the house. Just think: We could be watching Porsche, Shelly, and Kalia kick around Jordan and Adam as Rachel wept among the other castoffs. Hope that $5,000 booby prize is spent on something other than prize boobies.

2. Jordan
Normally Jordan would take first, but it occurred to me that earning a second $500,000 reward is quite unlikely. And unfair. Because if it’s between “mischiev-i-ous” Jordan and cackling frightwig Rachel, the jury should bend towards justice – even if it means championing the most annoying reality star since Joey from The Real World: Cancun.

1. Rachel
Unless Porsche ups her game and pulls off a milquetoast, “Least Threatening” victory like Fabio in Survivor: Nicaragua, it looks Rachel is cruising in pole position. Sure, Rachel’s lucky, as plenty of the challenges in which she won HOH or POV suited her talents, but she holds a certain power over the remaining tenants. They don’t fear her, but they don’t quite get her either – which I admit is a credit to Rachel, since she’s never unsure about her own gameplay. Could it be that Brendon’s buki is very likely to win? Is that why my face is turning an angry shade of Clairol fuchsia right now?

What did you think of last night’s elimination? Do you miss Shelly’s gameplay, even if you don’t miss her? Are you optimistic for Porsche’s chances? Is Adam a real thing or not? Did we invent him? Do you like Fight Club? Leave your comments below, read me regularly at, and follow me on Twitter @louisvirtel!

Comments are monitored, so don’t go off topic, don’t frakkin’ curse and don’t bore us with how much your coworker’s sister-in-law makes per hour. Talk smart about TV!

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  1. Sivat says:

    Is this show still on? I stopped watching when Daniele was evicted.

    • Js says:

      Danielle got evicted last week so obviously you know the show is still on. What a dumb comment!

      Ding, dong the wicked witch Shelly is dead!!!

    • JD says:

      really? then why do you come into every recap and make the exact same comment? no one cares that you don’t watch anymore. i can see why you identify with Daniele so much though…you both storm off when things don’t go your way, like spoiled children.

    • Ron Swanson says:

      I read this comment and before I even saw who it was commented by, I said, “That has to be Sivat!” LMAO Sivat is crazily obsessed with Danielle. I like Dani and all but when she went up against Big Jeff, I had to root against her.

  2. Karen MT says:

    You missed the best part of the show: Kalia’s face and reactions during Shelly’s plea to Jordan and Rachel. It was hilarious.

    • Matt says:

      Khalia’s face was priceless but the she voted for Adam, to stay anyway???

      • Jessica says:

        Kalia voted to evict Adam, not Shelly.

        • bob says:

          yeah, i think this is going to hurt her this week. bc at least if she had voted with jochel (ugh…) she could have tried swaying adam’s vote in her favor to stay an extra week. isn’t it sad that adam’s swing vote is important? he sucks. also, i read from a live feed recapper that jochel (ugh, again…) told kalia they were voting to evict adam five minutes before eviction, so she changed her mind. tricky biddies.

  3. JoannePistonFan says:

    Hey, I like Fight Club so much.

  4. Peter says:

    The rigging these past few weeks is out of control. The thrown-together, unannounced Pandora’s Box production influenced Porsche to take(and now another one), the duos twist that logistically couldn’t work that saved Jordan, the repeat POV comp Rachel had already won, the repeat HOH Rachel had already won in her season, etc. etc. etc. This show has become a joke. Why bother watching if production is going to carry their dumb little pet Jordan to the end and punish anyone who dares to defy her?

    I am done with Big Brother. No question about that.

    • Jenn says:

      Completely agree. After Danielle and Jeff left there was hardly a reason to watch. I love Jordan but she’s done nothing during this game to win and Rachel… do I even need to mention why she shouldn’t win. None of the rest of the contestants deserved to win either but Big Brother shouldn’t have rigged it. I want to watch the competitors play, not the producers.

    • John says:

      100% agree. We already know that most reality shows are at best manipulated and at worst scripted but this is an egregious example of production involvement skewing the results of the game for the sake of ratings. BB producers and CBS know that if ‘Brenchel’ was eliminated weeks ago, viewership would go down because some people tune in to watch the clownish train wreck that is Rachel.

      So many obvious signs, like the 2 million (alleged) votes, that was such a close race, but with over a million (alleged) votes Brendon plays vs. Lawon in a physical competition to get back in the house. OK! Then the unannounced Pandora’s box AND a endurance POV that’s perfectly suited for Rachel to win? SURE! Then a HOH comp again, perfectly suited to Rachel? Funny how both times (aside from the double eviction) that Rachel was in danger, production stepped in with a ‘twist’. Hmm, coincidence? I think not! Expect the unexpected, like meddling producers!

      If I were one of the remaining houseguests, once I go back and watch the season the first call I’m making is to my attorney cause this is ridiculous.

    • ultimate troll says:

      If you think it’s rigged why do you watch? Oh wait, so you can always have an excuse for when your fave doesn’t win and so you can praise your favorite for “overcoming the obvious producer interferrence” when they do. Gotcha, it’s a win/win for you.

      • forrest says:

        so adam’s best bet is to be dragged to the final 2 in an utter no-contest vote and he wins $50,000. Hey, his life is fulfilled because Tori Spelling once looked at him. I guess there are worse ways to earn a summer paycheck, but none come to mind.

  5. Michael says:

    I knew you’d flip (maybe). Team Rachel!!
    (Also, I’m sure there are going to be about 30 comments saying this is the most boring season ever, which is hilarious because this is shaping up to be one of the most-watched season!)

    • davey says:

      Ratings does not equal good television (just look at some of the shows that are the highest rated – they are pure crap fests). If you are actually a Big Brother fan then you would know that this is and always WILL BE one of their worst seasons quality – competition -and houseguests wise! It’s pretty bad that Jordan could win another $500,000 – even worse that Sandra “winning” Survivor twice!!!

      • Tim says:

        i agree with you about big brother but i love sandra from survivor–i think she’s the only person to ever win that i actually like. and shelly would make a fantastic survivor contestant!

      • Michael says:

        Well of course it’s not good television. If the audience wanted to watch something good, BB would have 0 viewers. And DWTS wouldn’t have killed some of the quality Monday programming. But I stated people are saying it’s BORING. And no matter what, an audience will not watch something if it’s *boring*.

      • Evan Meadow says:

        Nothing is worse then Sandra “winning” Survivor twice.

        I understand the idea why Jordan winning again isn’t well liked but we shall see if she makes it to final two and who she’s against.

        She may turn out again to be the better choice no matter what.

  6. Murrdawg says:

    Rachel’s an evil b*tch, and I stopped watching as soon as Daniele was gone. Maybe if CBS gives her the damn money, she’ll go the hell away!!!!

  7. Larry says:

    I stopped watching early this year -and so glad I did. I wouldn’t had been able to stand watching all summer long and Rachel winning. I hate that the show was set up to give Rachel the best chance of winning so they could keep her as long as possible. CBS must be so happy that there greatest villian to win. And we know how America likes villians. They bring in the ratings. If Rachel wasn’t the way she is -do you really believe she would had been giving all these chances?

    • King says:

      Nothing was “set-up”. If Danielle and company were smart enough to evict Rachel instead of Lawon her alliance wouldn’t have a hard time controllibg the game. And it’s not Rachel’s fault she’s good at competitions!

  8. King says:

    I want Rachel to win but I doubt she can beat Jordan. ‘ll be happy either one of them wins.

    Stop saying those annoying “I stopped watching BB” comments. The ratings were higher anyway so nobody cares.

  9. April says:

    I still love Rachel… Best thing about this season. I’m so sick of people saying production is rigged because Dani isn’t winning. Dani is out because Dani made stupid games moves. She even admits that she made stupid game moves and she trusted Jeff when she shouldn’t have… Again, a stupid game move. I don’t get all the venom towards Rachel but honestly, it makes me cheer for her more. I hope her and Jordan are in the final 2 and Dani has to choke on her vote.

    • Laurel says:

      Thank You April I couldn’t of said it better myself !
      Rachel & Jordan F2, Rachel FTW.

    • ultimate troll says:

      Dani won’t choke on her vote, she’ll just vote for Rachel.
      Rachel minus Brendan is a much better Rachel. She still makes me believe that there is some kind of cheerleader gene but at least she’s not a mopey, crying, exposed nerve on caffeine like when Brendan was around. And yeah, she’d probably be the best winner out of this sorry lot.

  10. Citizen Bitch says:

    WRONG – we will have to hear Shelly continue to apologize about Jorff when she meets back up with Jeff in the jury house.

  11. Christy says:

    I am so glad Shelly and Dani are gone. Since Brendan is gone, I like Rachel. She is playing the best and could care less who likes her. Would love to see her 1st and Jordan or Adam 2nd. Kalia blames everything that happens on someone else and threw Porcia under the bus fast. Porcia latches on to players and has just started playing.

  12. Di says:

    Go Rachel! I would love to see Rachel win this season. I believe she has played the best game. Winning comps when she needs to, to stay in the game, and laying low when she can have someone else get the blood on their hands and do her bidding for her.
    As far as rigging to get Rachel farther in the game, well that is just nonsense. Rachel would have been out weeks ago if Dani and her alliance had voted her out instead of Lawon. Try not to hate on Rachel just because Dani made another bad game play move.

  13. lacey says:

    I want Jochel to be in first and second place! I want Rachel to win but I think Jordan will instead because she’s more likable.

  14. Just Shut Up Already says:

    I just wish ALL of these people who stopped watching because Dani was evicted
    Or think this Season is the worst season ever
    Or think BB is stupid
    Or think BB is boring

    Would STOP writing about it every freaking week,FFS !
    Just MOVE ON and stop whining you don’t like BB anymore

  15. Dustin says:

    What show does this recapper watch? Shelly was NOT such a great player, EVERYONE was on to her. Rachel called her out week 3, even Jordan asked her point blank if she was flipping, and Jor and Jeff decided to leave it alone and that she’d flip back after Dani was gone (they didn’t know about the ff). A good manipulator isn’t so obvious, let’s all remember Danielle from season 3, who would’ve won if there was a jury house back then.
    Oh and most ridiculous is the ring nonsense that she was so proud of… Did you now see Rachel’s goodbye messgae? She knew it was fake! Ridiculous recap as usual, next season PLEASE get someone who actually watches the show.

    • nrfan says:

      amen! this recapper needs to take cues from the great ken dalton and learn to keep his obvious biases out of EVERY SINGLE POST. the fact that he thinks watching “porshe, shelly, and kalia kick around adam and jordan” would be good tv says a lot about his absurd views on this show. why would we take pleasure in watching porsche, who waited til day 60 to start playing the game, shelly, who won nothing but the ability to run back and forth and tattle on everyone thinking she wouldn’t get caught, then cry about how important honesty is, and kalia, who has no social game at all and made one of the dumbest hoh moves ever by getting out her own alliance member and giving the other side more numbers? no one wants to see that! ugh can’t we vote this guy to the jury house and bring someone who at least TOLERATES the other side and isn’t always bashing them?

      btw nice danielle shoutout she was my fave big brother player and should have won season 3 for sure!

  16. D says:

    I grimaced when Julie made Shelly’s decision to evict Jeff seem like it bit her in the behind. Nothing was wrong with that game move, and made the most sense for Shelly. Stevie Wonder could see that in a hypothetical final three of Shelly/Jeff/Jordan, Jeff wins and takes Jordan. Shelly got screwed over by Porsche opening the PB.
    I loved the jury spotlight. Watching Jeff throw his own shoe out the ballpit just put a smirk on my face. Karma, Big Jeff.

    • tripoli says:

      Disagree. Had she kept to her alliance, she might have made it to final 3 and by some great miracle, won the last HOH comp and had a shot at some money. But instead her terrible decision to suddenly decide to make a move on her own blew up in her face and she’s out on her ass. As she deserves to be. Her game play sucked all season. Had she not gotten into the hearts of Jeff and Jordan, she never would have made top 6.

  17. dana says:

    I love your recaps, Louis, mostly because you express so well what I’m feeling myself. I can’t stand the Jeff/Jordan worship (and no doubt he’ll win America’s Player again, which should really go to Daniele for shaking up this season and playing the game), but I guess I understand it since CBS edits Jeff to be some kind of a tragic hero. Whatever.

    And I really disliked Julie Chen’s exit interview with Shelly. It was NOT a bad, or an early, game move!! The show’s almost over for God’s sake!! Shelly’s move would’ve kept her completely safe this week and next week (not to mention a better chance of getting to the finale) had the contrived Pandora’s Box not showed up aimed to save precious Jordan and Rachel. It was also disgusting to watch Shelly apologize over and over to Jordan and Jeff, who was acting sooooo betrayed and hurt in the jury house. Anyone who watches the live feeds knows that Jeff/Jordan were already planning on getting rid of Shelly first from their alliance. They’re just pissed that she beat them to the punch. So for Julie and even Shelly to say that voting out Jeff is a dumb move is simply…moronic. It was the best game move Shelly could’ve made that night.

    That said, unfortunately Rachel IS the most deserving HG to win at this point based solely on game play. Porsche/Kalia tie for second, though I personally favor Porsche a bit more. If useless Jordan and spineless Adam wins, it’ll be a travesty.

  18. JB Smooove says:

    OMG Tim, i never thought about that. Shelly would be a rockstar on survivor. She could outwit the crap out of people.

  19. Kryssy says:

    I do agree that the producers are fooling around with the game porshe did decide to open the box drawing the twist , this could of been avoided if she simply didn’t open the box.