Big Brother Recap: Zing for the Moment

Yes, yes, we’ll get to the freakish results of the Power Of Veto competition in a short spell, but wait: Did Big Brother just bring back Zingbot 3000, the wisecracking robot who enters the manse for no reason, hurls insults at the remaining houseguests, and proclaims “ZING” after each punchline? Well, I’ll be: It’s the most human advancement of the season! Forget this dreary episode and the humiliating P.O.V. aftermath — we just watched these eight comatose bodies jolt to life thanks to the power of mockery. Lesson learned: We do God’s work when we call Rachel a braying hyena demon.

But here’s the first and only pseudo-compliment I’ll ever aim Rachel’s way: At least she pretends to be aware of her irritating qualities — even if she expresses that knowledge in the most odious way possible. Case in point: As the episode kicks off, Rachel harasses Daniele around the house with cutting barbs such as, “Do you hate me?” and “Why are you depressed, Daniele? Is it because it’s your 25th birthday?” Apparently the whining purple-haired valkyrie still has hard feelings still over Brendon’s elimination, and she’s taking her anger out on Daniele as a means to… pass the time? Accomplish nothing? Daniele is unfazed by Rachel’s overtures and continues gumming slop at a record pace. Even Jordan is on to Rachel’s nonsense, announcing, “Girl, you’re crazy,” as if Rachel’s just a mouthy cheer captain with a grudge. Oh, Jordan. Your diplomacy is impressive, but I know you realize that Rachel’s attitude is the most unflattering humilitard of all.

After an amusing P.O.V. drawing forces everyone to play in the veto game except Rachel (who’d love to win the medallion, kick Porsche from the chopping block, and replace her with Daniele), our dashing droid Zingbot 3000 clambers in from a neighboring universe. It’s fitting that he’s pine-green, because this little menace is fresh. In no time at all, he starts lobbing wisecracks like a schoolyard emperor.

“Hey, Jeff, 1995 called — they want their soulpatch back!” he hollers, before erupting in a chorus of “ZINGS.” He sounds a bit like Alpha from the original Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers, complete with the sexual ambiguity I so understood, even as a child. Like a silicon hybrid of Steve Urkel and Carson Kressley.

I didn’t love all of Zingbot’s zings, but his stabs at Porsche (“Shouldn’t you be named after a car with a roomier trunk?”) and Jordan (“The only reason Jeff hasn’t proposed yet is because he knows you’re terrible at answering questions.”) were worthy of some Friars’ Club applause. Jeff’s responses to Zingbot — which sounded something like, “Hey, Zingbot! Chicago loves my tiny facial hair! Deep dish pizza! FOREVER.” Unfortunately the round of one-liners concludes all too early, and Zingbot leads the stung octet to the backyard for a game of robotic assembly. The assignment: Take 20-25 puzzle pieces, attach them correctly to the sides of a robo-structure, and be the first to hit the winner button. Correct, it’s yet another speed challenge, so Kalia has a real shot against Jeff! Hehe! Pardon as I dunk my head in ice water while this competition depresses the hell out of me.

During the race, Porsche unleashes a confessional that sounds like this: “I’m picking up the pace! This puzzle is a cinch!” Kalia follows with: “Kind of hard! But I’m doing well!” Jeff adds: Nothing. Jeff already wins. And the hard-jawed angst of Daniele is cutting a fiercer figure than ever.

Since Zingbot whisked himself back to the 25th century to hook up with Dot Matrix from Spaceballs, Big Brother humiliates us Team Daniele folk by filming Kalia, Porsche, and Daniele as they try to eke last minute deals out of Jeff. It’s just as inspiring as you’d imagine.

“Hey, Jeff,” Porsche begins. “I don’t really know what to say, except — you know — if I ever get close to winning a challenge, I won’t, like, vote for somebody. Hope that helps. See you soon. Have we started playing Big Brother yet?”

“Howdy, Jeff,” Kalia starts. “I know you’re mad because I played Russian Roulette with your Big Brother life, but please just know that I’m… a person. OK?”

“Jeff,” Daniele begins gravely, “I can cut a deal with you. You want to go Top 4 with me and Kalia? Top 3 with just me? Topsy-turvy with a quick game of Twister? Top Model with Selesha? Topkapi with Peter Ustinov? I can do it all. I have no choice. Let’s win!”

Though Jeff never revealed his intentions to any player, the swiftness with which he renders his decision rings loud and clear: At the P.O.V. meeting, he removes a dumbfounded Porsche from the eviction chair and replaces her with the staggeringly stoic Daniele. It’s too predictable to scoff at, yet too upsetting not to write six diary entries about. I have all these feelings, yet none at all. Maybe I’m Rachel.

We’re left with one tantalizing question: How will tomorrow’s double eviction turn out? Will Daniele leave first, forcing Kalia to win HOH and vote Jeff and Jordan (Jeff and Rachel?) to the chopping block? Is there any hope for the beleaguered trio of Daniele, Kalia, and Porsche? Is Jeff indisputably the strongest (and most cunning) player in the game? Talk it up in the comments, read me regularly at Movieline.com, and follow me on Twitter at @louisvirtel!

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43 Comments
  1. Julee says:

    Daniele definitely has to be evicted at this point and I hope it happens because I can’t stand her. If and when that happens, I have no idea what will happen next but I hope Jeff wins it all. Putting Daniele on the block was the best move for Jeff because she would have backdoored him regardless. It will be interesting to see which way Adam, Shelly and Porche go on tonight’s show. I hope they vote to evict Daniele. She deserves to be in the jury room with Brendan-hee hee.

    • Tear says:

      Julee ITA, and hope the house guest’s don’t listen to her braying and crying, or her phony promises. Daniel made her bed, vote her out.
      boo Hoo

  2. Nicole says:

    Team Jeff for sure!

    Now that he is finally winning competitions he is a force to be reckoned with in the BB house. An already great social player now turned competition winner?

    Let’s hope he makes it to the end!

    • davey says:

      After all this time I still don’t get the Jeff love! He’s an arrogant, mysogynist who like to yell at women and tells his “girlfriend” to not have conversations wiothout him! It was a good game move though to put up Daniele! Definitely Team Dani here! Jeff’s just a creepy homophobe!

      • court says:

        I couldn’t agree with you more davey, I used to be team Jeff when it was his season now I am so sick of him. He says he doesnt lie yet that is what he has done all game, hes so arrogant and such a douchebag. I hope Rachel realizes that he is not there for her and votes to save Dani. Plus everybody knows that Jeff will take Jordan to F2 so why stick with them? He needs to go

        • google says:

          I think Jordan needs to go as well. I loved her in her season and still do, but i just find myself rooting for Dani to take them out. Plus Jordan is so sweet and nice that she will win against anyone in the final two.

  3. Taylor says:

    Still hopelessly Team Daniele. Jeff’s just been a jerk to the women of the season. He has Adam’s head shoved so far up his ass it’s not even funny anymore.
    Jeff’s ego needs a good blow. Maybe seeing him walk out the doors during tonight’s double eviction will be just the thing :)

  4. Scott says:

    Can’t wait to watch Danielle walk out that door. As fun as it will be to see her walk out the door, it would be even more fun to be able to see Louis Virtel’s face when it happens. He’ll likely go into full on Rachel mode. :)

    • Kathryn says:

      HERE HERE!!! Most bloggers try to at least appear to impartial….lol And of course, he forgot the BEST (i.m.o) zing of the night “Daniele, do you even own a car? Or do you prefer to still ride your Daddy’s coattails”!!!

      • Laurel says:

        That was my favorite Zing last night too,Kathryn !
        Dani is NO Evil Dick.
        I think the most pathetic thing Dani said this week was to Adam while trying to get his vote “My father is going to hate you if you don’t vote for me to stay ”
        Definitely a “coattail moment”
        I’m just suprised she didn’t stomp her feet while she was saying it.lol

        • El says:

          And people single Jeff out as the bully when Dani is no better. She just hides behind sarcasm & trying to be cute. Dani & Kalia ruined an already terrible season for me.

  5. Mandy says:

    Don’t count my girl Dani out yet… She’s gotten out of tougher situations, so I still am holding my faith for her. That being said, if she goes tonight, I hope Jeff goes right after her and that Rachel wins the whole game just to make everyone mad.

  6. The WB Frog says:

    I won’t reiterate what I’ve been saying all season long, except to say the Zingbot 3000 magnifies this season’s disparity. Bye, Danielle. You will never be your father.

  7. bbfanjb says:

    Looks like somebody started reading the comment section…the past few recaps have actually been…wait for it…RECAPS!!! Not some inane blathering about how wonderful Dani is and how horrible Rachel and Jeff are.

  8. chris says:

    Lol how can people still like the paranoid dilusions of Jeff or the whiney annoyance that is Rachel? I hope Danielle does stay. She’s played this season her way. Not her fathers. If you remember, Dick hasn’t even been on this show at all this year. So riding his coattails? How when he’s not here. Jeff just finally started winning himself, danielle has won more challenges and evicted brendan twice. Once after he was voted back in by America. Animosity maybe lol

    • The WB Frog says:

      I don’t care for ANYONE in the house this summer! Not one of the houseguests is worth $500,000. As for Dani riding her father’s coattails, she thought everyone in the house would bow at her feet for being Evil Dick’s daughter. She doesn’t possess the mental prowess to win this game.

    • NunyaBuzniz says:

      The coattail reference is to season 8 when Dick did most of the work pratically to keep him and Danielle safe that season. She did when HOH and I think a veto but she was there because of her dad.

      • annie says:

        No, she won two HOHs and five vetoes, tying Janelle for the most number of vetoes a player has ever won in a season. I would hardly call that riding on her father’s coattails. Dani was a fierce competitor and deserved to be there in the end. Plus, Dick would’ve been long gone that season had it not been America’s Player Eric flipping the house even though he himself did not want to.

  9. Sivat says:

    Daniele is the best houseguest this season. Because this season sucks so much, my viewership depends on her staying in the house. If she walks out the door tonight, I will be done with BB until next summer. Here’s hoping Jeff walks out the door tonight—I used to like him in Season 11, but now he’s just an arrogant prick.

    Dani FTW!!!

    • Whatever says:

      Well since you WON’T be watching after Daniele is evicted you will no longer need to read these recaps and leave nasty comments that harass other BB Fans.
      Yay 2 evictions in one !

      • Sivat says:

        I love it. Anyone says something nice about Daniele and it’s considered “nasty” by the likes of you. Kill yourself.

        • Whatever says:

          My comment has nothing to do with Daniele.
          My comment was addressing the fact that you are here every episode leaving comments that insult other users just because they have a different opinion about BB.

          Like telling another user to “kill yourself”
          That’s lovely.
          But as I said earlier that won’t be a problem now that you are self evicting if Dani has an early departure.

          • Teneille says:

            Well that’s what kind of a moron Sivat is, he calls Jeff an arrogant prick but that’s just him saying something nice about Dani.
            Sivat, you’re an arrogant prick in all your posts. Get therapy.

  10. Jackie says:

    Team Jeff and Jordan all the way. If Daniele was such a great player she would have never lost the veto and wouldn’t be in this situation. Jeff is a great social player and is a strong competitor- he has turned the tables over and over when less worthy opponents try and get him out. He puts his fate in his hands and always comes out on top. When has Daniele ever done something this successful? Getting Brendan out- I don’t think so.

  11. Gregory says:

    This season is over, unless you want to watch bully Jeff and moron Jordan walk to another victory. I’m out.

  12. Anette says:

    Jeff is not the lovable doofus that the show so carefully edits him as. Anyone with the live feeds can tell you that he’s a dark, chain-smoking, jerk who is highly abusive toward women and who has a strong hatred for gay people. He is bad news and if poor dumb Jordan doesn’t leave him soon she’s going to end up in an abused women’s shelter.

    • JD says:

      similarly, Daniele is not the sweet, strategic person that the show makes her out to be. she does nothing but lay around all day insulting Rachel with Porsche, Kalia, and Shelly. on the feeds she looks like the spoiled brat that she very clearly was in the first season. she’s not any better than she was in season 8…she’s just gotten a good edit.

    • Janie says:

      wow you paint Jeff to be like the abuser in a lifetime movie or something.. I don’t have the feeds but I watch BB Afterdark and i read all of the Feed transcribing done on several different sites. Jeff is not what you portray him to be.. yes he is chain smoking and i don’t like that about him. He is not abusive towards women..and he doesn’t hate gay people! The comments he made in conversation with kalia about gay people were not made in hatred but in ignorance. i realize that ignorance is not an excuse when it comes to saying bad things about a group of people.. but it is important to know it doesnt mean he hates gay people. and abusive towards women? Im not sure where that came from. Of course if someone is on the opposite side of the house than him, he may yell or even try to intimidate that person.. but that is his gameplay! and yes he does say things to jordan sometimes to get her to think harder or whatever.. but i think Jeff just says whatever is on his mind at the time and he knows that jordan loves him and if it hurts her feelings she will tell him. Did you watch him on the amazing race? Or Around the world? He is different when working just with himself (and/jordan) he doesnt ahve to use the gameplay tactics.

  13. katie says:

    Porsche’s POV save me speech: worst ever? I don’t think she’s stupid,but she should not be allowed to speak publicly LOL. If Dani makes it, it will be game changing. I like Jeff and Jordan but don’t want them to win. Hate Rachel but would love to see her team up with Dani to change the game.

  14. ottomatic says:

    The newb’s are stupid for not teaming up and evicting the veterans from the get go. The show has been horrible since the newbie alliance was so easily defeated.

  15. Sharon says:

    The edit was crap last night, Dani and her gaggle of witches talk crap non stop about Rachel, sure she can be annoying but the mean girls are worst.

  16. JD says:

    what are the chances that Shelly is employed full-time by CBS? think about it. at the beginning, when she obviously should have stuck to the newbies, she teamed up with jeff and jordan (which Production would have loved, because they know america likes jeff and jordan). then, she gets Lawon nominated and evicted instead of Rachel, and he loses that competition to Brendan (Production obviously wanted Brendon back in the house. with Rachel. no question). Now, she’s suddenly turning on her alliance to get Dani to stay (which Production would also clearly want). either she’s working for them, or she’s so stupid that Production can sway her actions 100%. there is literally no upside for her if Dani stays…she should NOT be wanting to keep strong players in the house, since she herself is unable to win anything. i’m willing to bet that the only people she could possibly beat at the end are Porsche and Kalia (and maybe Adam).

    • Laurel says:

      You know what you maybe on to something JD !
      Shelly is either an employee of CBS or she wants to be and employee of CBS. lol
      Because she is definitely doing the DR’s bidding.

  17. Lola says:

    Good-bye Dani and I hope that Rachel follows her out the door. Wouldn’t it be precious to have Brenchel and Dani in the jury house together for a week! LOL – now that’s a show I’d want to watch!

  18. JeffDJ says:

    Anybody else have trouble understanding Zingbot? I’m sure his zings would have been funnier if I could understand more than 1/4 of what he was saying.

  19. Sivat says:

    The Rachel and Jeff “fans” are just one sad person posting under one username.

    • Eliza says:

      Why can’t they have fans? Idgi. I’m not a fan of anyone and I don’t see how Rachel & Jeff are that much worse than Dani is?

  20. Joseph says:

    I hope that Dani is out but if only because it would force the Shelly and Adam to play the game.

    Currently you have 2 solid teams of 3 and 2 floaters. With Dani out it creates a problem for Shelly and Adam because once Kali and Porche get evicted their team of 5 becomes a team of 3.

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