Bachelor Pad Photo Recap: Swim Pickings

“I find it entertaining, and it’s almost like I’m in disbelief that one person could really be so crazy,” declared suddenly entertaining Erica, watching Melissa’s nervous breakdown, on Monday night’s episode of Bachelor Pad. The tiara-sporting contestant’s statement pretty much sums up my feelings about every person, every word, and every interaction that exists on ABC’s compellingly awful famewhoreasbord. And so, even though I’m on vacation, I feel compelled to post some kind of recap, if for no other reason than to confirm that, yes, Bachelor Pad is real, and not just a figment of my waking nightmares. Instead of the usual play-by-play, though, I will tell the tale through the timeless art of the screengrab. (For those of you who care about actual plot-type ridiculata, just know that Jake-Blake-Erica-Melissa’s plan to boot Kasey was not successful, and that He Who Once Piloted Airplanes paid the price for his mutinous intentions in a cliffhanger ending.) And now, without further ado…

In the midst of a synchronized swimming challenge -- don't ask -- Michelle becomes the first Bachelor Pad contestant to admit to 'not really knowing how to control my body.'

Erica muses that Jake could win the synchronized swimming competition based solely on the fact that 'he has such a big package.' ABC makes matters even more nauseating with this camera angle.

The disembodied closeups continue horrifyingly as Jake and Erica snuggle and strategize.

Jake licks his lips 'seductively.'

Please don't mix common trash with recycling.

Talk about missed opportunities: Vienna on horseback, and yet no protest from PETA?

The t-shirt is worth 1,000 words, but I'd be remiss if I didn't include this gem of a sound bite from walking celery stalk Kasey: 'People don't, like, realize the struggles -- the inner struggles -- I go through on a daily basis.'

'Let's play a game,' a shirtless Jake says to Blake and William, as he sits in between their beds, missing the hidden gay subtext entirely. 'Jake can be very persuasive,' Blake observes. Oh Lord.

Nope, bringing Bret Michaels into the mix doesn't make me any more interested in these two tomato cans.

Vienna reacts with appropriate seriousness as Kasey offers a promise ring and a genuinely horrible original song.

Erica elevates her spy game by making sure her exposed waistband matches the local decor.

Yes, Jake, women love to be comforted by having a dude trap them in a bathroom and insist 'You can't leave!'

Erica brings down her crystal gavel and drops the night's best verbal bomb: 'I don't think Vienna and Kasey are good people. They're all about themselves, and they're not even cute. People are letting trailer-park trash and a tattooed guy run their lives. That's pathetic.'

It has to be said: Vienna has terrible taste in men.

Comments are monitored, so don’t go off topic, don’t frakkin’ curse and don’t bore us with how much your coworker’s sister-in-law makes per hour. Talk smart about TV!

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  1. ESLKid75 says:

    I know you do need a vacation, but I’m really bummed today. I was really looking forward to reading your recap. What a pile of trash this episode was. I still can’t believe I find this show entertaining… :-(

  2. Caiti says:

    Slezak, let’s be frank. Vienna doesn’t have bad taste in men. Men have bad taste in Vienna. She’s a beyotch.

  3. Katy B. says:

    Man, I wanted that horse to buck Vienna off. That would have made good TV. Amazed producers weren’t in the bushes with a BB Gun to pull that one off. Guess they only manipulate to aide the side of evil, never for the side of good eh?
    So do think Kasey really did get the last rose or was it a trick since it cut-off so quickly?

  4. Magically Suspicious says:

    It was Chris who said Kasey’s name, not Michelle, who was handing out roses. We have no idea what Chris said to him. It could have been “Kasey….hooked on phonics works for me” or “Kasey….that Jenius tshirt is the smartest thing about you” or “Kasey….stop singing…you sound like a wounded goat”. I refuse to believe it until I see Jake out the door. Mainly because I want to see the Jake/Vienna cage fight that is sure to ensue once Kasey isn’t around to guard and protect the revolving door to her bedroom.

  5. Yo says:

    Bachelor Pad came to mind Sunday night when I accidentally tuned in to the beginning of CSI Miami: A guy was assassinated by a fourteen foot alligator lurking in his swimming pool. That gator, of course, has met his maker, but there must be one out there willing to do pro bono work.

  6. betsy says:

    wow, so few comments. does nobody care about this famewhoreasbord? Really, i haven’t watched a single episode but still love reading your “recaps” – thanks for this and have a great vacation, dear favorite recapper of all time :)

  7. ali427 says:

    Thank you for not disappointing us, even when you’re on vacation! I loved the screengrab art with your hilarious captions, especially the white trash and recycles. Have fun on your vacay–you’re the best!

  8. Karen says:

    Funny –we get to see Horsey riding a horse.

  9. Barbara says:

    Yes Jake goes home read somewhere Vienna winies lol sorry had to and her lapdog Casey make it to final three so I’m done I can’t watch her fake tears anymore

  10. Mike says:

    It was pretty amusing watching this episode. The dirty pool tiles were completely distracting though. If only the producers knew they could be cleaned like Grant Cardone’s “The Turn Around King’s” swimming pool tiles before shooting.