“I find it entertaining, and it’s almost like I’m in disbelief that one person could really be so crazy,” declared suddenly entertaining Erica, watching Melissa’s nervous breakdown, on Monday night’s episode of Bachelor Pad. The tiara-sporting contestant’s statement pretty much sums up my feelings about every person, every word, and every interaction that exists on ABC’s compellingly awful famewhoreasbord. And so, even though I’m on vacation, I feel compelled to post some kind of recap, if for no other reason than to confirm that, yes, Bachelor Pad is real, and not just a figment of my waking nightmares. Instead of the usual play-by-play, though, I will tell the tale through the timeless art of the screengrab. (For those of you who care about actual plot-type ridiculata, just know that Jake-Blake-Erica-Melissa’s plan to boot Kasey was not successful, and that He Who Once Piloted Airplanes paid the price for his mutinous intentions in a cliffhanger ending.) And now, without further ado…
In the midst of a synchronized swimming challenge -- don't ask -- Michelle becomes the first Bachelor Pad contestant to admit to 'not really knowing how to control my body.'
Erica muses that Jake could win the synchronized swimming competition based solely on the fact that 'he has such a big package.' ABC makes matters even more nauseating with this camera angle.
The disembodied closeups continue horrifyingly as Jake and Erica snuggle and strategize.
Jake licks his lips 'seductively.'
Please don't mix common trash with recycling.
Talk about missed opportunities: Vienna on horseback, and yet no protest from PETA?
The t-shirt is worth 1,000 words, but I'd be remiss if I didn't include this gem of a sound bite from walking celery stalk Kasey: 'People don't, like, realize the struggles -- the inner struggles -- I go through on a daily basis.'
'Let's play a game,' a shirtless Jake says to Blake and William, as he sits in between their beds, missing the hidden gay subtext entirely. 'Jake can be very persuasive,' Blake observes. Oh Lord.
Nope, bringing Bret Michaels into the mix doesn't make me any more interested in these two tomato cans.
Vienna reacts with appropriate seriousness as Kasey offers a promise ring and a genuinely horrible original song.
Erica elevates her spy game by making sure her exposed waistband matches the local decor.
Yes, Jake, women love to be comforted by having a dude trap them in a bathroom and insist 'You can't leave!'
Erica brings down her crystal gavel and drops the night's best verbal bomb: 'I don't think Vienna and Kasey are good people. They're all about themselves, and they're not even cute. People are letting trailer-park trash and a tattooed guy run their lives. That's pathetic.'
It has to be said: Vienna has terrible taste in men.