Big Brother Recap: 5 Wishes for the Week Ahead

I can’t tell whether Thursday’s eviction episode of Big Brother was satisfying or anticlimactic: We dealt with two provocative nominees — Shelly, the bayou belle who forged one too many problematic alliances, and Brendon, who spends his entire life as one half of a problematic alliance. Let’s analyze the elimination, see where we’re headed in the week ahead, and grant ourselves five wishes for the coming proceedings. Porsche, stop skipping in circles and pay attention.

(Warning: I’m going to reveal the winner of the unfinished HOH challenge as part of this list. Please forgive me if you hate tiny spoilers — and please explain why you read Mr. Ausiello’s site if that’s the case.)

Well, I can’t say I’m sad to see Brendon leave again. The only thing worse than a braying Rachel is Brendon cooing at that braying Rachel and assuring her she’s a precious shimmersparkle from heaven. No amount of cancer research will save you from malignant nonsense, Brendon. I scoff like Kalia at your elimination and add a Shelly grunt.

The greatest part of the show was Julie’s news that next week’s eviction episode is a surprise double-elimination. That means the entire dynamic of the season can change in a single episode, for either better or worse. Let’s sort those possibilities out in our wish list. Here’s our optimistic quintet:

1. Rachel gets nominated
Surprise! Rachel is a pox on humanity, and I wouldn’t mind if Julie Chen ushered her onto a catapult and flung her back to a permanent guest spot on The Bold and the Beautiful. The self-touting “non-floater” remains an awful player, a trigger-happy agitator with no instinct for the winning quality of restraint. Without Brendon she’s as useful a player as Adam, and if you’re rooting for Adam, I have to ban you from your own thoughts. Spoiler time: The new HOH Jeff (who was clearly winning the icy shuttle-run challenge when the episode ended) has little use for Rachel anymore, so I figure he’ll put her up alongside Adam or Kalia. He can’t afford to double-cross Daniele just yet, can he?

2. Jeff builds a serious camaraderie with Daniele
Now that Daniele has confessed her early-game mistakes to Jeff and Jordan, it’s time for Daniele to replace Rachel as that duo’s go-to consultant. This way, the three of them can start chiseling away at the two-faced conspirators like Shelly and Adam, who deserve to go home before Jeff. Though I consider Jordan the biggest floater in the game thanks to the safeguard that Jeff and Rachel provide her, I’d still respect Jeff for protecting her, teaming with Daniele, and picking off the riffraff.

3. Shelly motors, bucks all her alliances, and starts a weird new underground alliance with everyone again.
I think the best thing you can do after being called out for duplicitous gaming is to get more duplicitous. I want Shelly to use her Homecoming Queen charm, rope in every remaining houseguest in individual staring contests, and force them into candid dialogues for the rest of the game. Shelly has shown hints of smart, longterm planning, and now would be a great time to truly strike out as a vagabond. Sorry to Shelly’s daughter Josie, but this means plenty more lying for mama. Avert your glance.

4. Jordan remains in the humilitard for the next 40 years of her life.
It fits her so well! Work that Baby Bop color palette, ma’am.

5. Porsche becomes a key player
If Big Brother 13 is Cruel Intentions, then Porsche is Selma Blair’s character Cecile, the laughably unwitting pawn in the show’s sinister grudge-match. But truth is, I find Porsche a (semi-)decisive player with potential to rally troops. Remember when she told Rachel to stop with “the sad thing”? How immortal was that? I dig Porsche as a member of Daniele’s rebel brigade, and although she had no prayer of toppling Jeff in Sunday’s HOH challenge (though she tried like hell), I want to see her rise like a fast-learning lass in a Victorian bildungsroman. I want her to stun the other houseguests with her new-found wisdom. Her ambition. Her willpower. I mostly just want her to matter.

What did you think of Thursday’s elimination and news of a double-eviction next week? Who’s sure to get the boot? Rachel? Adam? My scheme queen Daniele? Are you waiting for anyone new to emerge as a dynamic player? Leave your thoughts in the comments, read me regularly at Movieline.com, and follow my darling Twitter feed at @louisvirtel!

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44 Comments
  1. Erin says:

    Having watched BBAD last night, it appears Jeff is leaning towards nominating Kalia & Porsche since Daniele has the veto ticket & will be playing no matter what. His hope is that anyone other than Daniele wins & takes off a nominee so that he can backdoor her. MY hope is that Daniele wins, takes off one of the nominees, he nominates Rachel & she is out the door first on Thursday… followed by Jordan winning HOH, putting up Kalia & Daniele and then seeing Daniele make her exit (in which case, can they put a camera in the jury house to see what happens when Brendon, Rachel, and Daniele are forced together?).

    • Captain says:

      That’s exactly what I hope. I’m sure Daniele is so happy she took that ticket. If Daniele wins and takes off Porsche (she’ll take off Kalia but Pinto is just so much fun to laugh at) then Jeff has to show his colours and put a sword through Rachel. Rachel gone, Jeff’s Brenchel vote gone, Daniele survives with her alliance…it would be perfect. My guess is Porsche would go though.

    • ruandvin says:

      It would be so much more fun though if Daniele went first…then Rachel…can you imagine Daniele and Brendon stuck together for one week? And then add insult to injury and throw Rachel in the mix? That would be hilarious…

    • janie says:

      Based on BB Afterdark last night, i believe that Jeff would put up adam as a pawn if he had to put up someone on his side.. he said last night he could never put up jordan.. and he said that if he puts up rachel he is afraid shelly will vote her out and if he puts up shelly he is afraid rachel will vote her.. I think the only way to assure everyone will stay would be to put up adam (if he has to)

  2. For the love of BB says:

    I agree that Jordan is the ultimate floater, despite her claims to the contrary – BUT ya just gotta love her! J and J are adorable. And though I am rooting for them to make it to final two, it’s really Jeff who deserves the big prize. Also, I don’t think their relationship could survive Jordan beating Jeff out twice, to the cumlative tune of 1 million dollars.

    • Katie says:

      I agree that Jeff should win if he makes it to the end. He has been a huge target all season. The only newbie I can stomach to see win is Shelly even though she annoys the crap out of me.

      • Captain says:

        Jeff does not deserve to win. He hasn’t done anything but hide behind brenchel (who have been the bigger targets) all season. This week will be his first week of actually playing the game (aside from, you know, the week he got one of his biggest supporters evicted because she’s prettier than Rachel. The only people who have actually been playing the game are Daniele and (as much as it kills me to type) Rachel.

        • BB says:

          Hiding behind Brenchel IS a game move. He recognized them as larger targets and used them as shields. What’s wrong with that? It’s a legitimate strategy.

        • Katie says:

          IMO I don’t think Rachel has been playing much all! She has no social game. She can’t keep her emotions in check and makes enemies at every turn. Unless she’s in power she is totally useless. And she really has been choking in competitons lately and that is one of her strengths. We’ll agree to disagree :) I think it’s interesting on everyone’s take on who the better players are.

        • BBFan says:

          I’d have to somewhat agree/disagree. Yes, Dani has been playing and so has Rachel. They both have flaws but have been playing. Jeff, although strategy, hasn’t really played much except for week 2 when Jordan was “HOH”. Really, it was J/J/B/R as HOH that week and Rachel got the person out she wanted. Jeff (sorta meh to me) and Jordan (who I really like watching) haven’t really put together that great a game strategically or socially. As much as people may or may not like her Shelly has been playing and potentially has the best chance to play the best game strategically and socially. I’d love to see a final 3 of Daniel, Shelly, Rachel. Not really a fan of them but the final HOH comp would be great and the jury would have a tough vote.

          • ultimate troll says:

            Hmmm, I gotta say Je/Jo have at the very least played a strong social game so that part of your post makes very little sense. Other players have even commented on how they do a good job of circulating through the house. A lot of that comes from the newbies being in love with them, but they’ve managed not to blow that like some (hello Rachel!)

            Also disagree about Shelley. She’s been wheeling dealing sure, but as soon as she got put on the block for the first time and had her game called out, she almost lost it. She’s no longer under the radar and the best thing she’s got going for her game now is that Jeff & Rachel are ahead of her on Dani’s target list.

  3. Mandy says:

    I’d love for Jeff to put up Kalia and Porsche, Dani win the POV and take one of them off and Jeff backdoor Rachel. Then I’d love to see Daniele win HOH, put up Shelly and Adam, winning the HOH and sending Shelly to spend time in the house with Rachel and Brendon!

  4. Sivat says:

    I hope Daniele wins the veto and remains in the game. If she leaves, there is no reason to watch. I would have stopped a long time ago if Daniele weren’t in the house—this is the worst season since 9.

    • Captain says:

      Season 9 SUCKED! Worst season ever. I agree, Daniele is the only person worth rooting for. It’s Daniele, Rachel and a house full of floaters and who really wants to see Rachel suceed at anything?

  5. Ashley says:

    I would love J&J to work with Dani. But I just don’t see it happening. Even when Brendon was out of the house they seemed to still have Rachel’s back.

    Jeff just does not trust Dani, I don’t think he would ever pass up the opportunity to backdoor her.

    • Madison says:

      It goes both ways though. Dani and Jeff would both take the chance to get the other out – they’re just both smart enough to give the appearance of working together.

      And J&J only have Rachel’s back as a shield. They know she’d throw them under the public transit in heartbeat.

  6. Katie says:

    I disagree with your nomination predictions. I think it will be Kalia and Porche. Maybe a backdoor of Dani if one of them wins veto. And if Dani wins veto I agree with the commenter above he will put up Rachel. I see him trying not to put up Rachel to keep the possibilty that he would get their jury votes. I think by not nominating Dani up front he can act like he was going to honor their deal they made when she was HOH even though she is really his #1 target.
    And Adam and Shelly will float on to next week.

    I really hope Kalia goes because she just annoys me.

    P.S. Porsche as Cecile- LMAO

  7. Dawn says:

    I won’t read this. I read Mr. Ausiello’s site for insight and information, not spoilers.

  8. The WB Frog says:

    Get rid of Kahlia and Porsche. I despise Rachel, but would rather have her on the show (am I saying this???) than floaters.

  9. Becky says:

    Can we PLEASE get rid of Rachel’s whiny laugh? Dear God. I want Dani to win. And Julie? AMERICA DID NOT VOTE FOR BRENDAN. Every time she said that I was like “No they didn’t!”

    • Katie says:

      Oh I know. And every time Julie says that it supports Brendon’s delusions and enormous ego. I am still calling shenanigans on CBS for putting Brendon back in the house. No one I read about or asked voted for Brendon!

      • cj says:

        I did. It’s more interesting. Kieth was a perv and the other two were boring.

        • Madison says:

          Keith never had a sliver of a shot at getting back in and if they online polls were any indication it was close between Brendumb/Cassi/Dom and I doubt be got back in by more than a sliver of Grodner’s auto dialers.

    • The WB Frog says:

      America thought Brendon would be playing against Rachel. Unfortunately, that didn’t happen.

  10. jenna says:

    Kalia annoys me to no end, did anyone else notice at the end of the episode during HOH she somehow disappeared? Someone (Dani?) was calling her and than she wasn’t there in the zoom out

    • Alisha says:

      She took a break and just watched the others. Seriously !!! Just like the Greek ball rolling POV.

      • jenna says:

        thanks for the info alisha! wow even more proof how useless kalia is, since this HOH was so important in terms of her alliance i would hope shed put some effort in!

  11. Mike from CA says:

    The best plan for Jeff is obvious: put of Kalia and Porsche.

    If they win POV, backdoor Dani.

    If Dani wins POV and pulls one of them off, put up Jordan as the replacement (yes, JORDAN).

    Jeff has the votes, so his replacement won’t be going anywhere. And this way, he avoids making any new enemies (which could be the case if he were to nominate Shelly, Adam, or Rachel).

  12. Mandy says:

    What’s the point of these articles? I love TVLine but I don’t really get this. The first point says Rachel is a “pox on humanitiy” and an “awful player”. Hasn’t she won 2 HOHs and managed to stay in the game even though she’s been a target the entire time? I dislike her attitude as much as the next person, but let’s give credit where credit’s due. She’s a decent player, if not better.
    I guess I just don’t understand this article. It’s less of an “article” and more of “Here’s the HGs I hate and let’s bash them!” Nothing you can’t find on any BB fan site. :/

    I still love TVLine! But I don’t see the point in reading anymore HG-bashing articles.

    • Michael says:

      If only you had seen the point of not commenting.

      Rachel is a terrible player. She won’t make it to the end and, even if she did, she wouldn’t get the vote. She could have won every competition that she was in and I’d still call her a terrible player. Her social game is wretched and will cause her undoing.

      And, the crazy skank is a boil on the butt of humanity. She’s an absolute horror of a human being.

      • Mandy says:

        My point of commenting was to say that I love TVLine, just not the style of these HG-bashing articles. I know the staff reads comments and appreciates reader feedback, so I don’t see the problem in what I wrote.

  13. ceebee says:

    Team Dani all the way!! I want to see Jeff get the boot in the DE – he has become way too cocky this season – and Jordan always has a confused look on her face -

  14. Carroll says:

    Team Dani has got to go. I am so sick of these “High School” girls down grading all the other players. It makes for boring TV and if you call this good social skills then your under 18…I like JJ and also think Shelly is playing a good game and I will always like Rachal. I doubt Dani’s team could handle what she has had to go through any better and come on girl’s stop with the taking stuff that is not yours…grow up and act like the adults you are supposed to be.

    • pat says:

      carroll……..i guess you missed rachel taking other peoples things, like porche’s beer, and taking more wine than anybody. Brenchel also hid some things.
      Rachel is more childish than anybody, “brendon, i’m not good enough for you” pleaseeeeeeeeeee
      she’s gotta go.

  15. I Heart Damon Salvatore says:

    I’m team Jeff and Jordan. They need to get Dani out ASAP. She proved last night she’s willing to tell them what they want to hear and then backstab them, also evidenced by her instructing Kalia and Porsche they have to win HOH and put up Jeff and Jordan (apparently, she doesn’t have the guts to do it herself — she’s been trying to get someone else to since Week 3).

    I’m over Dani and her smugness.

    Also, I don’t consider Jordan a floater. She’s been clearly defined with an alliance since day 1, has won HOH and a luxury comp. That’s not floating. Porsche is a floater. I look for her to buddy up to Jeff any minute now.

  16. chris says:

    i don’t understand how j&j don’t see through rachel, she will back stab them any chance she gets. I really wish they would bd her.
    Brenchel had targets on their backs because of they way they act, not really game play.
    I do wish J&J would team up with Dani.

  17. Kristoffer says:

    I personally think Dani has played a really good game. Like someone else mentioned Rachel is (in my opinion) not a good player. If she puts someone up for eviction is ‘game play’ but if someone puts her up it’s all the sudden ‘personal’. Too many emotions from her to be a good player.

    All I know is that instead of the usual twists they do I want them to throw in these 2 twists – or make them permanent changes to the game.

    I really want them to stop announcing how many people voted a certain way. Just like they showed last night people will vote with the rest of the house because they don’t want targets. If they stop announcing the way the votes have gone people could vote the way they really want and totally flip the game around in some cases.

    I would also LOVE to see a secret veto competition. Individually played so no one knows who won. That person is then allowed to secretly use it and replace someone. Those two changes could/would totally change the way people play – without some lame twist.

  18. Ron Swanson says:

    Louis, you have the whole floater thing all wrong. How is Jordan a floater? A floater is someone who sides with whoever has the power from week to week, Adam for example. Jordan has stuck with Jeff and Brenchel all season and has no way floated. Did you see her try to join up with Dani and Kalia when they were Hoh? No you didn’t.

  19. M360 says:

    When writing on BB understand the terms used, a floater is someone who floates kissing up to whoever is HOH and rules the house that week, not really in an alliance nor do the vote per an alliance. Jordan on the other hand (who I really do like), some perceive as to be riding Jeff and Rachels coat-tales…. She has not floated, she has stayed in her original alliance and votes for their best interest in game. Now Dani is floating this year, she was with one alliance, then went with Dom, the to Kalia, the wanted to be back with Rachel and Brendon and BD Jeff. She’s floating, as is Rachel this year to some extent. Porshe is the biggest floater this year. And just to let you know Jeff didn’t BD Dani, she got to play in the Veto, to get backdoored would be that you couldn’t play in the veto just for your information and if you decide to continue to write on a BB, people don’t take your article seriously if you don’t even know what game moves and words mean.

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