Big Brother Recap: State of Emergency!

The color in my face vanished after Thursday’s stupid eviction and horrifying Brenchel breunion, and now? I’m more colors than ever, frankly. I’m a healthy peacock gyrating wildly in a kaleidoscope. A Crayola riot. An LGBT triumph. I’m so overjoyed after Sunday night’s HOH competition and nomination ceremony that I don’t want to watch Wednesday’s episode for fear of tamping this unnatural high. In the meantime, let’s review the Skittle-dappled magic. Taste the rainbow of PAIN, Rachel!

Daniele, Kalia, and their dizzy apprentice Porsche saunter in from Lawon’s eviction. Kalia pouts that all the “work” she did last week to loosen the veterans’ stranglehold over the game is kaput now that Brendon has returned. Note to Kalia: I respect your general intelligence, but you did not have to submit Lawon for elimination last week. That was your fault. You get condolences from me, not sympathy. Stop spraying tears like Tammy Faye and start televangelizing the good book of determination! Get back in this!

Meanwhile, the four veterans and their overeager associates Shelly and Adam literally prance around in victory together, maypole-style. Shelly’s bouncing like a jackalope in Walmart sweats, always staring hard into Rachel’s big, cartoonish eyes. Rachel is pretty muchSonic the Hedgehog’s friend Knuckles — a strong-willed, mouthy echidna. She’s a fierce arm-folder, but one of the lamer mammals I can recall. This whole group’s excitement is just awful, and it only gets worse when Rachel and Brendon anoint themselves “the dynamic duo” in confessional. God. Let it end. You’d think Brenchel would acknowledge how lucky Brendon is to be back, but no, they’re too busy donning Gotham unitards.

Just before the HOH game is unveiled, Daniele opines that she must win HOH to remain in the competition. She’s so correct that it hurts. Even if you’re not on Team Daniele (for some ungodly, undiagnosable reason), you have to admire that she struck out on her own in a principled way. She didn’t like Brenchel and Jorff’s elitism, so she left their major label and struck out as an independent artist. Girlfriend is the Aimee Mann of ChenBot Manor. She’s ready for critical praise and the second stage at Lilith Fair.

This week’s HOH game combines the fun of “guesstimation” with the lameness of U.S. geography. Kalia, last week’s HOH, hosts as the eight other houseguests guess quantities of fun items pertaining to the home states of each remaining player. In each round, the houseguest who posits the estimate furthest from the actual total is eliminated. One houseguest will remain, and he/she will be declared HOH. Daniele warns us that she’s awful at math, which worries me, but then I remember she’s jockeying against Rachel, Jordan, Adam, and other arithmetical novices. Competition should be tight!

The game commences. Because the universe digs me, Rachel is eliminated first after dramatically overestimating the amount of Mardi Gras necklaces hanging on a foil tree (for Shelly’s home state of Louisiana). Hilarious enough! But then Jordan loses after a pepperoni question pertaining to deep dish pizza and Jeff’s home state of Illinois. Huh! Two vets in a row! Then, like dunderheaded dominoes, Brendon and “Big” Jeff are kicked out when they fumble on an olive count and a Hoyle card pile. In four quick slashes, every member of the veteran quad is eliminated. Only Daniele, Porsche, Adam, and Shelly remain, which means terror may await yet.

But no! Shelly is eliminated next, and Adam — who is just not cut out for these HOH games, it seems — makes a poorer guess than Porsche and Daniele on a question concerning airplane rivets. That means Daniele and Porsche remain, but in the last round, Daniele topples Porsche in counting up a big collection of gold coins. And Daniele, our hard-boiled heroine, is the champ.

“I really wish I could’ve seen everybody’s faces,” Daniele gushes at us in confessional. “Because I’m thinking there were like, nooses being tied, guns coming out of shoes, wah-wah. I don’t care. I want these people scared to death of me, as well they should be. That’s it.”

Fi-re.

Elsewhere, Rachel and the veterans throw a pity party around their once-proud maypole. Oh, the melancholy! Even Jeff and Brendon’s tanktops seem to sag in sadness. But without missing a beat, several of the team members stray and try appealing to Daniele, who has a tough vote to consider, in separate discussions. Here are their hilarious attempts, reworded liberally by your faithful author:

Adam: “Hey, HOH lady! If you don’t nominate me this week, I’ll try to save you next time if I win HOH for the first time ever. OK? OK, cool. I’m going to go shave my beard. Wait! I already shaved my beard! Never mind! Ha-ha! I guess I’ll have to do something else. Man, it’s been great forming this alliance with you. Later, Debbie! Er, Daniele! Two L’s, right? One? Great.”

Shelly: “Kalia and Daniele, I know we’re all best friends. We got each others backs, I know that. But sometimes I feel like you guys are too cool for me! That’s why I started making alliances with the veterans to get you guys eliminated, OK? I just ain’t that cool. Are you guys frustrated with me over that? You shouldn’t be, as cool people. Talk later. I have to go and make myself somehow more beige.”

Daniele and Brendon: “Daniele, vote for Shelly. She’s a two-timer. Brendon and I will protect you for a few weeks. Deal?”

And it is! Rachel outs Shelly as a turncoat and that leaves Daniele little choice but to side momentarily with Brenchel. In the ensuing nomination ceremony, Daniele selects Adam and Shelly, two defecting alliances, for elimination. Frankly, Shelly’s duplicitous antics became too obvious to go on without note. Porsche initiated a brief tiff with the southern lady early in the evening, telling her she knew about her deal with Rachel. Though Shelly pretends she never aligned with Brenchel, gritty archive footage proves her memory is selective. The justice is delicious! More candy-coated goodness for this episode! Willy Wonka’s chocolate stream flows through this whole hour, and Daniele stands atop it holding a lollipop and singing “Let the River Run.”

Shelly, meanwhile, weeps.

“I’m absolutely furious that Rachel would blatantly lie. It’s just disgusting!” she says. “The moral high road is impossible in this game… I will never let [Rachel] take my class away from me.”

Then allow me! You tried wheedling every player in the game and lost. You were dishonest and transparent, and Daniele was the first to spot it. See you in your fancy elimination dress, Shelly! Because Big Brother is the original, hungrier Hunger Games.

What did you think of Sunday’s episodes? Were Daniele’s nominations just? Are you on Daniele’s side? Is Rachel still getting everything she wants? And if either Adam or Shelly win the Power of Veto, who will Daniele pick for a replacement? Deposit your theories in the comments, read me regularly at Movieline.com, and follow me on Twitter at @louisvirtel!

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30 Comments
  1. Adam says:

    I have given up on watching the show, ill stick to recaps. I cant watch Brendan and Rachel, they are horrible humans and annoying as hell. I refuse to believe that America voted him back in, i know CBS fixed it cause Brendan back in the house will be better for ratings, but i will not watch again until they are out.

    • Jasmine says:

      My thoughts exactly! I had to give it up after Jeff lambasted Kalia, and Lawon evicted and that HORRIBLE, I mean HORRIBLE Rachel & Brendon! Not only cannot watch this mess of a show with Jeff & bimbo Jordan & the Rachel and Brendon Reunion show. I AM DONE! Didn’t watch the last two episodes that were on my DVR, now took it off completely!

    • J says:

      Personally I don’t get how brenchal is better for ratings, its made me want to stop watching the show. I really don’t know who to root for anymore, JJ are associated with brenchal and I feel like Danielle and Kalia act like high schoolers. Terrible season

    • filmex says:

      Yeah, Brendon got more votes than Dominic and Cassie.

      Yeah, sure he did.

      Funny how all the bits that appear on Showtime and the live feeds where the houseguests are heard discussing how the producers in the DR try to influence their elimination votes never make it onto the CBS final cut.

      This has to be the most boring group of guests (Keith, Lawon, Kalia, Adam…really?) ever. And that includes the winter writer’s strike season that held the previous record for banality. *yawn*

      • Evan Meadow says:

        Actually its more and more believable Brendon actually did get more votes, but for two combined different reasons, all revolving around last week’s POV.

        There were no doubt two different groups of voters: The ones who were voting back in because they wanted to see the chaos that a reunited Brenchel would give everybody else (specially Dani and Kalia) and then there was probably another group voting in Brendon because they were still sure that no matter what, Dani was going to get the votes to kick Rachel out and would have enjoyed the deliciousness of seeing Rachel have to compete with Brendon to get back into the house and see who would have blinked first.

        Those two groups with different theories can easily turn into the majority of votes.

      • Lance L. says:

        They aren’t heard talking about DR tactics. They are heard *about* to talk about the DR tactics before the feeds cut to Rachel applying zit cream in the bathroom.

  2. Riz says:

    I just don’t get your love for Daniele. She is a horrible miserable self-centered person. Now granted so is almost everyone else in the house, but come on. She embodies a “mean girl” from high school. Team Jeff and Jordon all the way. Sure, they are not the smartest and certainly have their flaws, but are really IMO, the only sane people in that house.

    • Captain says:

      I dont like her as a person, but as a competitor she’s the only one worth rooting for. JJ are useless and have relied on Brenchel to carry them all season.

      • Evan says:

        If they’re not liked as both competitors and people, then no one wants to deal with any of them.

        Look why Jordan won the first time. Natalie was hated as both a competitor & as a human being with no redeemable value whatsoever. Evel Dick? Used his abrasive personality to his advantage and (certainly due to the editing) kept hammering home the fact that he wanted to win for his daughter and mend their relationship.

        Easy cruise to the win. You can not win this game on either just gameplay or personality. You need both. And in lieu of both (Hello Season 9 and Adam the crazy eyed jailbird), you go for the one who you can at least say was the most active in the house overall.

    • jj says:

      a horrible miserable self-centered person on a reality tv show? Shocker!!! People, stop watching this crap and the bachelor and bachelor pad and jersey shore!! If you do then we won’t be subjected to their idiocy anymore. Let’s stop making “real” people famous for nothing! I’m all for talent shows or competition shows- things where people actually DO things other than swap spit and STDs, sit around faux scheming etc…

  3. Mannie says:

    I actually think Dani is better than 7/9ths of the people still left in the house. If she’s smart, if (amazingly) Shelly or Adam win the POV, she’d put up Jeff in the place of the person coming down. That way she wouldn’t have to decide on the alliance with Brendon and Rachel yet.

  4. Sam says:

    Question from a non-viewer: How many of these people are actually normal human beings? I watched the show once and the stereotypes! The blonde girl, the gay guy, the muscle-person. I think I watched a premiere, because they were doing these horrid introductions. *shiver* Any way, is there truly anyone worth rooting for?

    • Tego Livi says:

      These are all “normal human beings,” except that you have to keep in mind that they are on a tacky, tawdry reality show. It’s a show which doesn’t showcase or reward talent or intelligence, and generally the participants don’t have much of either (if they did, they’d almost certainly choose shows that did reward those things). On top of that, the show is set up to show them at their worst, so Mother Teresa or Heidi would look bad in this context. But their being famewhores doesn’t help.

  5. The WB Frog says:

    I don’t know who could watch this season and not be violently sick. This season is the worst EVER!

  6. Tina says:

    I vowed I would not watch anymore then I heard a spoiler that Danni won HOH so had to watch. I think to some point the show is rigged just so happens that Brenden came back in which I do not beleive. I went to vote for America’s Vote and it would not take my vote kept getting an error. I hope someone comes down and Rachel leaves the dang house.

  7. xwiseguyx says:

    Given Jeff’s past homophobic remarks, I can’t help but root for team Danielle, even though Portia and Kalia are as exciting watching grass grow. It’s fun to watch Rachael squirm and expose Shelly for the complete denial she is in… Do these people realize that we can look back at the tapes? I just hope that Jeff and Danielle don’t team up.. as Brenchal is much more entertaining.

    • Colin says:

      yes WE can look at tapes, but others in the house can’t. even in the Clip they showed, shelly was asking about a final 3 deal. they showed nothing of them confirming it.
      and enough about jeff being homophobic. it happened weeks Ago and was said out of ignorance not hatred.

    • The WB Frog says:

      Everyone has opinions. What does it make a person who hate homophobic remarks?

  8. Greg says:

    Allison Grodner has a well known reputation for manipulating the show. (If you watch the live feeds the contestants of previous seasons always talk about being manipulated by the producer’s in the Diary Room.) I’m convinced that that is what happened in bringing back Brendon. I can’t believe for a second that America show Brendon over Dominic.

  9. Jamie says:

    I don’t think it was rigged for brendan to come back. What I think happened was that Rachel and Brendan do actually have some fans (though I can’t understand why) but more importantly, jeff and jordan have alot of fans. My guess would be that about 35% of voters are jeff and jordan fans and they voted with the 5% of Brenchal fans since brendan is in their alliance. 60% wanted Dominic or Cassi back because that would have been more exciting rather than secure the veterans win this game. The 60% was evenly split between Dominic and Cassi. Therefore: Brendan-40% Dominic-30% Cassi-30%. Voila, Brendan back in the game and the game gets incredibly boring for anyone who’s not in love with Jeff/Jordan. Hopefully, Brenchal pair up with Danielle to eliminate Jeff/Jordan so that I can thank the Karma gods for punishing Jeff.Jordan fans for allowing brendan back in the game.
    Long post, sorry everyone!

    • JD says:

      though i wouldn’t put it past CBS to manipulate the results in Brendon’s favor, i can see where this could easily happen. however, i do NOT understand why jeff & Jordan fans would actually think Brendon coming back would help their game. when he was gone, Rachel HAD to work with Jeff and Jordan, otherwise she was alone. now that Brendon is back, and they think that America loves them now (delusion, thy name is Brenchel), they’ve been throwing Jeff and Jordan under the bus nonstop. now is the time to take out strong players…and with Brendon back there’s a good possibility that Jeff will be leaving soon if Dani doesn’t get Brendon through the back door this week. Cassi should have come back. at least that way it would have furthered Rachel’s demise.

      • Jamie says:

        First off, I’m not a Jeff/Jordan fan (I’m team Dani) so anything I say is merely speculation, so maybe a real J/J fans can correct anything I say that’s wrong.
        Out of the 4 (Keith, Cassi, Dom, Brendon) who do you think would most help Jeff/Jordan. Cassi/Dom-Want veterans out Brendon-Wants veterans to stay. From that, the logical choice is to vote Brendan back in. As well, if you’ve noticed J/J’s strategy has been, let Brenchal do everything for them. Brenchal win HOHs and get all the blood on their hands, then at the end J/J can claim their innocence to get jury votes. With Brendan gone, Rachel sucks at comps, meaning the target is Jeff, and he will actually have to win a competition. With Brendan back, they can get back to floating by, relying on Brenchal. Thus, Brendan was the one that J/J fans voted for. Atleast that’s my theory.

    • Colin says:

      Not to mention those who thought Rachel was going home, and thought it would be funny if Brenden and Rachel had to compete against each other to get back in the house

  10. Amber says:

    I think what really happened is that people thought with Rachel on the block, that it would be funny to watch her (as the evictee) battle Brendon for a spot in the house. I think that’s how he won the voting, not because people like them, but because people wanted to pit them against each other.

  11. Lily says:

    This is a very disappointing season of BB. I think it is so unfair to put people in the house together that know each other. The single HG’s really don’t have a chance. To bad Keith, Cassie, Dominic, Shelly, Adam, Porshe, and Kalia were not fairly treated by BB. Now bringing Brendon back, the single players can’t win no matter what they do. Cry baby Shelly is the only one that was taking on the couples and now they have squashed her. They have forced her to play their game and beat her up for it. She will probably need therapy after this. I hope Rachel is just playing a part and is not really like that character we see there. I’m sure she must be, don’t you think. Noboby could really be like that, at least I’ve never known anyone like that.

  12. HeatherPS says:

    I really can not stand Danielle or Kalia. Kalia wins one thing and walks around like she’s a major player now. Are we supossed to forget when she had to be cut out of her costume or the week she was HOH and stopped playing mid-veto to cheer for Jeff. Team J/J, although I really don’t like them that much either, but they are the least offensive this year (and that’s not saying much).

  13. Ali says:

    Yeah, I stopped watching when the Chenbot said that Brendon was back in the house. I could barely watch it with Rachel still there, but now that they’re back together…yeah, that was deleted from the DVR so quickly. I find that I’m deleting BB from my DVR faster and faster as each season progresses.

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