Big Brother Recap: Ranking Your New Top 9!

The worst part about Thursday night’s bracing eviction episode of Big Brother, which allowed one eliminated player to fight his/her way back into the game, was not its crummy competition, lame voting results, or Lawon’s frightening use of the words “special powers.” Close, though. It was how predictable it all was, and in the most depressing way possible.

The minute Lawon confessed his plans to beat eviction and remain in the game, my glance moved solemnly to the floor. It’s hard to watch someone that excited and delusional — like a beaming, idiotic stud on The Bachelorette or a braying reject in the American Idol auditions. Once Lawon earned that unsurprising 6-0 eviction over Rachel, his fate was sealed, even though we didn’t know he’d be squaring off against Brendon in a contest requiring speed, quick thinking, and dexterity with sporting equipment. Then his fate was really sealed. Lawon, I’d hate to take the jive out of your step, but you deserve the boot if your only form of coordination is matching plaid slacks and a blazer.

We’re left again with nine competitors whose power rankings keep shifting. Let’s analyze the current ecosystem in the Big Brother house and tally up the remaining Sims. Wee, numbers!

9. Adam
Remember when Adam was given an elf suit for a week, and he mistook it for personal relevance? So far, that’s been his only move in the game. Yes, that’s right: wearing a festive costume and shouting his usual “funny jokes” about Tori Spelling and metal. He also shaved his beard this week, which was another bold power play. Maybe next week he’ll take a big risk and clean some dishes.

8. Brendon
He may have trounced Lawon in the soccer ball shootout, but Brendon’s horrifying reentry in the house — complete with ursine Rachel hug — puts him in exactly the position he last held: giant target. You can’t exhibit his athletic prowess and boast such obvious alliances without expecting rancor from your opponents. Daniele, Kalia (and soon Porsche, perhaps) will gun for him like unsmiling Charlie’s Angels.

7. Kalia
BB megafans hated Kalia’s gameplay this week, and I can’t entirely disagree, though I admire her for possessing actual intelligence, even if that’s just unnecessary baggage in an impulsive grudge match like Big Brother. For that, I give her a few extra points, but with Rachel, Brendon, Jeff, Jordan, and Shelly in a harmonious front, it may be lights out soon for the most quavery HOH of the season.

6. Porsche
Her new-found camaraderie with Daniele is exciting, even if we’re still waiting for the two ladies to team up and make Kalia their inessential underling. She’s floating along like a cadaver on the Dead Sea right now, but I expect Porsche’s stagnant game to produce a few moments of ingenuity in the future. She’s had no reason to upend her game thus far, so I’m unwilling to dismiss her as a combatant just yet.

5. Jeff
Truly, Jeff’s position on this list could be interchanged with Brendon’s, but I think his ferocity and viability as a social player give him a slight edge. He’s also a winning P.O.V. crusader, so even if he were put up for eviction, he’d be very likely to overpower the others and survive.

4. Rachel
Ah, it was mere weeks ago that Rachel, The Magenta Pimpernel, ranked 11th on our crib sheet. Since she scared off Kalia by offering up a weak truce in the eleventh hour, she finds herself in a pretty comfy spot now. She’s still the whining, snot-raining crybaby we all remember, so she can’t ever be top-ranked, but she’s got the powerhouses of Brendon and Jeff to hide behind if her opponents get the chance to pick off members in her coterie.

3. Daniele
For a split second I thought (embarrassingly) we had a chance of getting Cassi back and adding her to Daniele’s tiny army of believers, but that dream ended in a Brenchel-initiated grease fire. Ugh. I miss Cassi and her Olivia-Wilde-joins-Coyote Ugly charms! Anyway. Daniele is more than a tactician in the Big Brother house; she’s an out-and-out pugilist punching through the histrionic nonsense of her competitors with stoic self-confidence. I also love that she’s the one housemate who seems to see through Shelly, the transparent two-timer whose day of reckoning can’t be far off. But on the other hand…

2. Shelly
While the veterans clutch each other close like popular Varsity cheerleaders and Daniele’s team bites its nails frivolously like gawky freshmen at homecoming, Shelly ignores the sophomoric camps of Big Brother and truly forges her own game. Is that wise? When you’re effectively balancing relationships with everyone in the house, it is. The question is whether Shelly’s ambiguous alliances are sustainable, since no one quite values her as a primary ally. I’m also curious to see how Shelly will react when multiple skeptics draw attention to her shady game, but it’ll be a few weeks until anyone considers a thorough investigation.

1. Jordan
Odd choice for #1? Maybe, but Jordan’s the “least threatening” (whatever that means) member of the veteran squad who has no reason to depart in the next few weeks. Surely Brendon and Jeff, who act as bodyguards for their weeping paramours, warrant more attention from opposing forces than Rachel and Jordan. And let’s face it: You, too, would eliminate Rachel over Jordan in a heartbeat, even though she’s season thirteen’s definitive floater — as well as the definitive floater who hates floaters.

What do you think of the big, bad elimination/reentry episode? Are you excited for Brendon’s return? Are you sad about Lawon’s? In fact, can you help explain Lawon’s unflinching confidence in being evicted? Better yet, can you just explain Lawon altogether? Leave your thoughts in the comments, read me regularly at Movieline.com, and follow me on Twitter at @louisviirtel.

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38 Comments
  1. BBFan says:

    Louis, spot on list! Although, I do believe that Shelly is the player to beat. In the end, uber-floater aka Jordan will have to fight the already won $500K syndrome. Shelly’s nuanced play, while seeming to be extremely tight with J/J, will carry her to the final four for sure. It’s there that she will prove to J/J that they severely underestimated their workhorse and realize that she had her scope set on them the entire time. Shelly is proving to be an incredibly adept hunter, moving along stealthily and having a hand in each eviction and in most cases was the primary player for those evictions.

    • Joe says:

      How is Jordan a floater?

      • Katie says:

        Floater is the most overused and misused word this season and I blame Brenchel! A floater is someone without an alliance to anyone,does not win any comps, and all around makes no game moves. Jordan is with the Vets clearly therfore not a floater.

        That being said at this point I can see her winning. Because in the respect of people thinking she is a threat she is flying under the radar

  2. JD says:

    WHY DOESN’T ANYONE USE THE TERM “FLOATER” APPROPRIATELY???? I realize that Rachel attempted to change the definition to “someone who doesn’t win anything” but the original definition of Floater was “someone who FLOATS (get it??) to whichever side of the house has the power that week.” In that way, Jordan is defnitely NOT a floater…she has made it clear whose side she is on. The only remaining floaters in the house are Porsche, Adam, and to an extent, Shelly (though Shelly seems to be truly playing for the veterans and just screwing with the newbies rather than actually changing allegiance to whoever the current HOH is).

    I will agree that Jordan is likely to make it to the end again…if I were in the house, I’d want to be sitting next to Jordan too…it’s extremely unlikely that she’ll get handed another $500k. The jurors will be too jealous to let that happen, unless she’s sitting next to Rachel or Brendon.

    • BBFan says:

      My mistake. I used the Brenchel Dictionary 3rd Edition
      Floater–N: person who does no work

      Jordan has chosen a side. She isn’t floating back and forth between alliances. However, she, like Adam does not have to actually play the game. Thereby, in essence making her somewhat of a floater interms of floating to the end just because she is present. It’s a game strategy I don’t hold against her.

      With the correct usage, Porsche is the only true floater left. Adam appears to be with J/J but not sure he knows how to play the game. Shelly is working all ends while appearing to work completely for J/J. She may BB13’s Jedi master. We shall see.

  3. The WB Frog says:

    Allow me to repeat what I posted yesterday: The WORST Big Brother season EVER!

    Now that I said that AGAIN, I agree with this list, with the sole exception that Danielle should be farther down the list, perhaps taking Kahlia’s #7 spot. She’s good at winning challenges, but has horrible game play without her dear ol’ dad in there.

    • JohnDoe says:

      I agree. It’s starting to frighteningly remind me of The Boston Rob Show aka the last season of Survivor. One sided, and terribly boring.

  4. Sivat says:

    I LOVE Daniele and she’s the only reason I’m still watching this horrid season. So glad to hear she *** ***.

  5. stephen says:

    i agree its a boring season. The lines were drawn predictably and early with the ‘veterans’ vs ‘newbies’ and it has just made it boring. Its even more boring now with the numbers in the house and seems very predictable unless Grodner & Co. do something to shake things up. Also it seemed quite unfair to give Danielle a golden key and several weeks of safety only because Dick left for some unknown reason; that gave her a tremendous advantage. I wish BB producers would come up with something ORIIGNAL…all the twists are old school…the competitions are always the same thing – just with different names and slight twists…you can tell the contestants are already planning for them — the knock out competition, the spelling competition, the things are missing in the house/count items, the betting competition, the face mashup, the americas quiz, the vote an evicted hg back in,….its always the same thing…are we ready for pandora’s box again?

    • JJ says:

      Good point. How about asking them like real knowledge based questions? LOL A spelling bee. A geography quiz. Some history questions. Anything. Of course, it might reveal how stupid so many of them are (despite their claims of education).

      I think the bigger problem is not enough booze, honestly. Loose lips and all that — it makes people who want to have fun make mistakes. I love it, that used to be my favorite part of watching BBAD.

      Also, I wish they would give them something like the Book of Questions. Something to bring up different scenarios and get them to voice their opinions. They are playing a very close social game right now.

      • JDurbs says:

        YESSSSS to BOOZE! I still remember watching the live feeds one year when they were all drunk and hitting fruit out of the complex with bats and then they dyed Josh’s hair blue. So much more interesting than watching Rachael cry.

  6. xwiseguyx says:

    Between Jeff, the homophobe and Racheal, the whiner and Brendan, the condescending king, I should hate this season, but yet, I don’t.. yet.

  7. Sue says:

    I am so happy Brendon is back.. I really can’t stand Daniele, she thinks she has everyone in her pocket she needs to go. Jeff and Jordan are adorable I would love to see Jeff take it all. LAst season I couldn’t stand Rachel but this season she really isn’t that bad.

  8. jenna says:

    i’m pretty impressed with shelly and I want to know how well her strategy will work. Shes the one to beat in my book

  9. elizabeth says:

    As far as I am concerned, the entire thing was rigged in order to improve ratings.

    Production clued Kalia on to the fact that she needed to be careful about the twist and not get “vets” mad at her if they came back in the house after eviction.

    Brenchal, love them or hate them, add drama and interest to the house. Drama = viewers. There is no way to tell if the voting truly voted Brendon back in and a physical comp? Really? That wasn’t a little skewed against Lawon. Set up? Rigged? I’m not buying that it was all innocent and above board

    I’m liking Shelly just because she is playing both sides. Hopefully it doesn’t catch up to her too soon.

    No a fan of production getting involved, sick of twists and bringing people back and vets/newbies.

    • Becky says:

      This so much. Ugh. From everyone I’ve talked to, NO ONE voted for Brendon.

      • janie says:

        I read that the jeff and jordan supporters (like me!) voted for brendon..

        my reasoning is.. if brendon comes back he would help jeff and jordan get further…whereas.. all the other team members wouldve been on dani’s side

        • Well then you owe me $1.69 since when Brendan was revealed as the voted back cast member I barfed up my McDonald’s cheeseburger.

          Jordan fan here and I resent the implication that they need the help of that lunkheaded mountain of insecurity.

          • Jdurbs says:

            youowemeacheeseburger.com -> AWESOME! LOL

          • Whoa says:

            I haven’t been to a McDonalds in 6 years. Are those fake, genetically-engineered “meat” patties really going for $1.69? The Blu-Rays I rent outside at Redbox are less than that and provide more value.

        • JD says:

          that was probably not a well thought out plan. given the opportunity, brendan and rachel together are absolutely going to throw jeff and jordan under the bus now. when it was only rachel in there she had no choice but to trust them. now that brendan is back, they’re going to be just as illogical as ever. no way do they actually take jeff and jordan to the end with them…they know they’ll lose to them.

  10. mima says:

    I liked this bb season of vets vs newbies. I was a fan of dani in her season but I can’t stand her childish pranks anymore. I rooting for rach and bren to win they have been put thru the ringer last season and now. rach does have abandonment issues but she does know how to play the game. I like j/j but they won already – give someone else a win. shelley will eventually be voted out both sides are on to her going back and forth with the plans. po, ka, and adam need to go they do nothing but sit and wait to be told what to do by the HOH. BORING!!! I stopped watching bb when bren was evicted and was told he was voted back now again they will vote him out bb needs the vets then this will be a great season of bb pros fighting for the money.

  11. Jason says:

    Not only do I believe CBs rigged the voting and stacked the challenge in Brendon’s favor but I also believe they payed off Lawon to take the bullet and leave the house. No one is that stupid to not realize when tey say there’s a chance he will return that htere is also a chance they will not return. There was no reason for him to go on the block. I believe CBS gave him $50,000 to quit because they know with Evil Dick and Brendon out of the house if Rachel left now the rest of the season would be completely boring with JEff and Jordan running away with the show and money

    • timshel says:

      That comp could have been won by anyone. It’s not like it was that difficult to get the ball in. Lawon is just an idiot. Stupid enough to believe that somehow he’d have the upper hand in coming back into the game. He’s been completely non existent in the game, so offering himself up for the slaughter was just perfect. Not sure that I believe your theory abut pay off, but I was surprised that Brendon was voted back. Seems like he and Rachel are pretty much hated, across the board. But I suppose, it does make for interesting TV. Maybe that’s what people were thinking. Suppose we’ll never know though.

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