Big Brother Recap: 5 Quotes That Made Our Blood Boil

Big Brother is like a mixtape of the most annoying soundbites ever recorded. As far as I’m concerned, Sunday night’s HOH-nomination episode was a medley of wails (Lawon’s), shrieks (Kalia’s), dry heaves (Jordan’s), and crying jags (Rachel’s, and Brendon’s in spirit) — so, a Christina Aguilera album with less bass! While Kalia figured out what to do with her harrowing position as the first newbie HOH, I started racking up quotes that made my blood boil. Perhaps they infuriated you too? Join us for a rundown of the five most unfortunate quotes from Sunday’s noisy hour.

5. Jeff [while visiting Kalia’s HOH bedroom]: “Kalia starts sobbing like we just walked into a morgue, and somebody was in a casket. A little weird, kinda.”
Jeff’s judgment is already dubious considering that he, ahem, delivered the most oblivious, homophobic rant in recent idiot history. In this case, his awfulness is less severe, but it points to the same aggressive insensitivity. When Kalia wept (pretty damn hard, to Jeff’s credit), Jeff noted that the new HOH’s reaction was a bit histrionic. Hmmm. This observation comes from a man aligned with Rachel, the hyperventilating ninny who makes the banshee from Mystery‘s opening credits seem hinged. Whether or not you like Kalia, you have to admit that her overt emotions are about 30 times more justified than Rachel’s. Next time Rachel starts bawling about how proud she is of Brendon and his boat shoes, or whatever, Jeff owes us an apologetic confessional.

4. Porsche: “I’m not really sure what onions taste like.”
I jackknifed in disbelief at that quote. I doubled over, ulcer-style. During the gross Have-Not game where contestants blended together disgusting cocktails and forced each other to guess the ingredients therein, Porsche tried tricking Shelly by throwing onions into her mixture. Unfortunately, Porsche’s plan was short-sighted; she didn’t know what onions tasted like and threw them in randomly. Though Shelly lost her round, it doesn’t forgive the fact that Porsche can’t even guess what a smelly onion tastes like. She’s missing out on a lot of Panera soup, in that case. And also, common sense. Because onions taste like they smell, Porsche. Onion-y. I can’t believe it either.

3. Daniele (to Kalia): “Don’t forget about the twist — but even with that, I think we should not worry about that, and play our game as if that doesn’t exist.”
Daniele’s one houseguest I don’t want on this list. Her nerve is likable, her understanding of the game is comprehensive, and her hatred of Rachel is worthy of standing applause and a front-row ticket to Brenchel’s February 2012 divorce. However, she made a mistake by telling Kalia to ignore Julie Chen’s warning about this week’s evicted contestant and his/her chance to remain in the game. Though Kalia ended up nominating Rachel and Jeff, the two most obvious threats to her game, it probably would’ve been smarter to vote for, say, Rachel and a questionable newbie like Adam. That way, she could strike a deal with Adam for his vote, gain an ally, and potentially evict a real opponent like Rachel. At this rate, Kalia’s lined up for a few weeks of vitriol from every veteran. Those braindead angry people are the worst!

2. Rachel: “Kalia is like the worst person that could’ve won HOH this week. She’s Daniele’s No. 1 buddy, the same people that took out Brendon, and that laughed about it, and were mean to us all summer.”
I’m always intrigued when Rachel calls other players “mean.” You can claim she’s a competitor and a cunning strategist, but she’s definitely delusional about how she’s treated and how she treats others. “Mean” is a particularly ironic adjective considering that Rachel’s insufferable self-absorption resembles Regina George’s in Mean Girls. Rachel will make fun of you for not dyeing your hair magenta and call you “a homeschooled jungle freak.” Count on it. Except because it’s Rachel, she’ll follow it with a weird giggle, not an amazingly icy silence. You’re still the best, Regina.

1. Jordan: “It’s very fustrating [sic] when there’s other people in this house doing nothing and just floating by, and I feel like Jeff and I have been targets every week.”
First of all, it must be terrible to be “fustrated.” Because that’s a thing. Second, I have bad news, Jordan: When you win HOH, bump chests with your teammates, and form an obvious and cocky alliance with a bunch of houseguests, you’re a target. Why? It ain’t because you’re “not a floater” — it’s because you’re playing the game wrong. You’re proclaiming your squad’s supremacy at every turn and expecting to be congratulated for it, and that’s insane. This fallacy reminds me of professional poker when an established pro like Phil Hellmuth hollers at an amateur player for beating him with a weak hand or unintentionally offbeat gameplay. My reaction to that is always the same: The problem isn’t the amateur, Phil. It’s you, the person who chose to go pro in a game where erratic amateurs have an advantage. The same idea applies to Big Brother. Yes, Jordan, if you’re a threat, you’re a target. Consequently, you’re the bad player. I’m sorry I’m not sorry about your shortcomings. Kalia and I will be sure to weep extra hard when you’re voted to the Big Brother morgue in three weeks.

What did you think of last night’s episode? Did the last five quotes bother you too? Are you psyched for Kalia’s nominations? And is Jeff or Rachel destined to win POV? Leave your comments below, find me regularly at Movieline.com, and follow me on Twitter at @louisvirtel!