Big Brother Recap: 5 Quotes That Made Our Blood Boil

Big Brother is like a mixtape of the most annoying soundbites ever recorded. As far as I’m concerned, Sunday night’s HOH-nomination episode was a medley of wails (Lawon’s), shrieks (Kalia’s), dry heaves (Jordan’s), and crying jags (Rachel’s, and Brendon’s in spirit) — so, a Christina Aguilera album with less bass! While Kalia figured out what to do with her harrowing position as the first newbie HOH, I started racking up quotes that made my blood boil. Perhaps they infuriated you too? Join us for a rundown of the five most unfortunate quotes from Sunday’s noisy hour.

5. Jeff [while visiting Kalia’s HOH bedroom]: “Kalia starts sobbing like we just walked into a morgue, and somebody was in a casket. A little weird, kinda.”
Jeff’s judgment is already dubious considering that he, ahem, delivered the most oblivious, homophobic rant in recent idiot history. In this case, his awfulness is less severe, but it points to the same aggressive insensitivity. When Kalia wept (pretty damn hard, to Jeff’s credit), Jeff noted that the new HOH’s reaction was a bit histrionic. Hmmm. This observation comes from a man aligned with Rachel, the hyperventilating ninny who makes the banshee from Mystery‘s opening credits seem hinged. Whether or not you like Kalia, you have to admit that her overt emotions are about 30 times more justified than Rachel’s. Next time Rachel starts bawling about how proud she is of Brendon and his boat shoes, or whatever, Jeff owes us an apologetic confessional.

4. Porsche: “I’m not really sure what onions taste like.”
I jackknifed in disbelief at that quote. I doubled over, ulcer-style. During the gross Have-Not game where contestants blended together disgusting cocktails and forced each other to guess the ingredients therein, Porsche tried tricking Shelly by throwing onions into her mixture. Unfortunately, Porsche’s plan was short-sighted; she didn’t know what onions tasted like and threw them in randomly. Though Shelly lost her round, it doesn’t forgive the fact that Porsche can’t even guess what a smelly onion tastes like. She’s missing out on a lot of Panera soup, in that case. And also, common sense. Because onions taste like they smell, Porsche. Onion-y. I can’t believe it either.

3. Daniele (to Kalia): “Don’t forget about the twist — but even with that, I think we should not worry about that, and play our game as if that doesn’t exist.”
Daniele’s one houseguest I don’t want on this list. Her nerve is likable, her understanding of the game is comprehensive, and her hatred of Rachel is worthy of standing applause and a front-row ticket to Brenchel’s February 2012 divorce. However, she made a mistake by telling Kalia to ignore Julie Chen’s warning about this week’s evicted contestant and his/her chance to remain in the game. Though Kalia ended up nominating Rachel and Jeff, the two most obvious threats to her game, it probably would’ve been smarter to vote for, say, Rachel and a questionable newbie like Adam. That way, she could strike a deal with Adam for his vote, gain an ally, and potentially evict a real opponent like Rachel. At this rate, Kalia’s lined up for a few weeks of vitriol from every veteran. Those braindead angry people are the worst!

2. Rachel: “Kalia is like the worst person that could’ve won HOH this week. She’s Daniele’s No. 1 buddy, the same people that took out Brendon, and that laughed about it, and were mean to us all summer.”
I’m always intrigued when Rachel calls other players “mean.” You can claim she’s a competitor and a cunning strategist, but she’s definitely delusional about how she’s treated and how she treats others. “Mean” is a particularly ironic adjective considering that Rachel’s insufferable self-absorption resembles Regina George’s in Mean Girls. Rachel will make fun of you for not dyeing your hair magenta and call you “a homeschooled jungle freak.” Count on it. Except because it’s Rachel, she’ll follow it with a weird giggle, not an amazingly icy silence. You’re still the best, Regina.

1. Jordan: “It’s very fustrating [sic] when there’s other people in this house doing nothing and just floating by, and I feel like Jeff and I have been targets every week.”
First of all, it must be terrible to be “fustrated.” Because that’s a thing. Second, I have bad news, Jordan: When you win HOH, bump chests with your teammates, and form an obvious and cocky alliance with a bunch of houseguests, you’re a target. Why? It ain’t because you’re “not a floater” — it’s because you’re playing the game wrong. You’re proclaiming your squad’s supremacy at every turn and expecting to be congratulated for it, and that’s insane. This fallacy reminds me of professional poker when an established pro like Phil Hellmuth hollers at an amateur player for beating him with a weak hand or unintentionally offbeat gameplay. My reaction to that is always the same: The problem isn’t the amateur, Phil. It’s you, the person who chose to go pro in a game where erratic amateurs have an advantage. The same idea applies to Big Brother. Yes, Jordan, if you’re a threat, you’re a target. Consequently, you’re the bad player. I’m sorry I’m not sorry about your shortcomings. Kalia and I will be sure to weep extra hard when you’re voted to the Big Brother morgue in three weeks.

What did you think of last night’s episode? Did the last five quotes bother you too? Are you psyched for Kalia’s nominations? And is Jeff or Rachel destined to win POV? Leave your comments below, find me regularly at, and follow me on Twitter at @louisvirtel!

Comments are monitored, so don’t go off topic, don’t frakkin’ curse and don’t bore us with how much your coworker’s sister-in-law makes per hour. Talk smart about TV!

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  1. Leeroy says:

    I gather you either don’t understand this game as a whole or you don’t understand production of the game and diary room segments. If you did, you would know diary room quotes are taken out of context from what’s shown on the show.

  2. Picklejuice44 says:

    Wow, that was a bitter and useless recap.

  3. kippy12345 says:

    I don’t like your recaps at all.

  4. Dave says:

    So, I agree with Louis that Kalia should have used the twist to her advantage. She should have brought Jeff and Jordan up, and spelled out a plan to become a 4 person alliance. They would put up 2 floaters (Porche and Lawan would be my choice). Then whoever played in the veto competition would use it on one of them to blindside Rachel. In order for this to work, Daniele would have to apologize to Jeff and make a final four alliance with them. I think it would have flipped the house on it’s ear.

  5. bbfanjb says:

    You are without a doubt the WORST Big Brother recapper on the net. This isn’t even a recap!! Just rantings about HGs…I’m also going to guess you don’t watch the feeds because you are clueless.

  6. Lily says:

    Why is he “clueless”? Because he doesn’t adore the idiots that are Brenchal or the bully that is Jeff? Please.

  7. JD says:

    this was the worst recap i’ve ever read. go to, that one is ten times better.

    kalia really should have paid attention to the twist this week and just nominated two weaklings to cover herself. now rachel and jeff are going to be after her, and you know that since the return to the house is competition based, one of them would easily win it. so they’ll both be in there, all bothered by kalia, instead of worrying about daniele. if they don’t get rid of daniele before the next endurance competition, they are going to be VERY sorry. so really…once again, everything that has happened benefits Daniele. i can’t tell if she’s an evil genius, or the luckiest person alive.

  8. Patty says:

    I loved that Jeff yelled at Kalia. She is not playing HER game, she is playing Dani’s game. Jeff will make her falter. She will start second guessing everything she does. It will be great.

    The floaters always bug me by this point in the game. It’s half way and you have three people who have done nothing but hang out all summer. Porche was invisible in the house (and BBAD and the feeds) for the entire first month of the game. It’s a game people. PLAY. Cause some conflict. Make someone cry or blow up or something. At least Adam is weird.

    • Corey says:


    • Ash says:

      I agree 100% with you on this. Kalia says she’s player HER game but she’s not! Giving the excuse “I need you to win POV” to Jeff as her reason for putting him up was a bunch of BS! He had a good chance at playing regardless. If she was smart she’d drop Dani, alline with Jeff, Jord, Rachel put up Porsche and get her out since all she does is walk around in a swim suit and do dick all. and then JJRS will have Kalia and can go after Dani and give her the boot.

    • Yasin says:

      Ummm… do you not remember 2 weeks ago Rachel/Jeff/Brenden all called Kalia out and basically got the whole house against her/Dani/Dom? Like where were you when all this was happening? And since she’s aligned with Daniele, they’re obviously going to go after her. Why would it be in her best position to go into a group where she won’t know where she stands, when she knows that with Daniele, she’s the only one Daniele has.

      With Jeff/Jordan/Rachel they have deals with Porshe, Adam, and Shelly. That’s six people leaving Daniele/Lawon/Kalia by themselves. So it makes perfect sense.

  9. Corey says:

    I thought reviewers and critics and the such were suppose to be unbiased, and this bitch is clearly rooting for Daniele and Kalia to take the pot and go off and screw somewhere. I’m against Rachel just as much as anybody else, but this recap made it seem like everyone was just picking on Kalia and Daniele and got what they deserved. Kalia and Daniele suck, end of story.

    • JD says:

      well then the recapper must be from CBS because clearly that’s what they want as well…which is why they didn’t show half of the have-not comp last night (including the parts where Danie and Porsche were taking smack at Jordan, which is the actual reason that she was crying afterwards). they also didn’t show the fake wedding that they did for Brenchal…i mean brendan and rachel are awful, but from the feeds it was sweet and fun and everyone seemed to be getting along and having a good time…it would have made for good TV, but it would have made Brendan and Rachel look less like villians, so CBS wasn’t interested. great.

  10. D says:

    I have a feeling you’re retarded. Most pointless and delusional recap in the history of human existence. Get a life. Low life.

  11. Ash says:

    You give the worst recaps ever! They make MY blood boil! I agree with most of the people on here who are saying it also! Like everyone said, its not even a recap! You’re just going off on a few HG’s and not even recapping the episode. And No the quotes didnt bother me at all the Jeff one I laughed at and AGREED with, Porsche is just an idiot who is floating thru doing nothing (like Jordo said), I dont like Dani she’s a snake who needs the boot, Rachel-well i just laugh at what she says yet sometimes i find myself agreeing, she must be PMSing right now and Jordan well she’s right! If I were her and Jeff I’d feel the same way. I like how feisty Jeff and Jordan are this season, especially Jordan. In BB11 she only cried twice once when she won HOH and read her letter and again towards end when they needed the POV for Jeff to stay, and she only blew up at Russell. This season she’s still the same as in 11 but more fiesty, and I LOVE it! Kalia should hace listened to Jeff and Jordan I think it will hurt her game unless it changes today with the POV ceremony, and she builds an alliance with JJRS and drops Dani and make her the next target.

  12. Scott says:

    I hope they get someone new to do these recaps. The recap by Louis Vitriol (not a typo) was beyond tasteless and biased.

    • Kathryn says:

      I totally agree! The reviewer’s bias is so blatant that I almost think that he watches the episodes strictly to find examples of why he loves Danielle and hates the rest of the house with a vengeance. The review is pointless and not at all funny.

      Please bring in another reviewer (someone like Michael Sleezak – is he available? grin), Michael often has an opinion which can be scattered a bit throughout the review (often in parenthesis) but the comments are usually humorous and not the main focus of the article. He is completely upfront with his opinions (i.e. who he likes most) but his reviews are not filled with hatred or malice like this reviewer. Instead, Michael’s reviews describe exactly what happened, the relevant highlights and all of it is done with humor.

      I have followed, and enjoyed TV Line, since it launched… and normally I find the articles and tidbits interesting, filled with good news (before other websites) and fun…. but the reviews of Big Brother on TVLine are the complete opposite. It appears that other commenters feel the same way, and I am hoping that the editors of TVLine are reading these comments and will take action.

  13. Kacey says:

    I feel like I’m watching another show than everyone else here, because I thought this article was hilarious. I’m so over Jeff, Jordan and Rachel thinking that they’re better than everyone else and that they somehow “deserve” to win more than other people. Jordan seems to forget that she’s only been a target for 2 weeks — her alliance was in power the first three. So please. I like Jordan still, but get over yourself.

    And for those suggesting Kalia should make a deal with Jeff and Jordan — JJ can’t stand her and they are never going to make a deal with her. At least not one they’ll keep. She’s going to be a target for them either way, so doing anything to make them happy isn’t going to help HER game. It will only help THEIR game.

    I might be the only one, but Team Dani all the way.

    • BBFan says:

      Yes! No long a JJ fan. I’m sorry but Jordan hard to realize that being a past winner made her a target week in-week out. She was fortunate that Rachel won the first HOH and locked in her’s and Jeff’s status in the house for a few weeks. Had she not won HOH week 2 and Rachel week 3, JJ would have been targets much earlier. Their pouting, bad mouthing, and attitude have exposed their true colors. They are sore losers just as Brenchel. What I have yet to understand is that the past 2 years, if you do something other than kiss everyone’s feet, you must be a “floater” and “not playing your own game”. NO! The other cast members are just not playing the game Brenchel and this season JJ want them to play. It’s a game! Moves have to be made and people have to lose. Hopefully, CBS is hiring people to play the game and not just bow to the wishes of JJ. Although with how erratic and short-sited it seems most of the house guests are, I’m not 100% certain CBS didn’t intend to only hire players that would allow JJ $500,000.

  14. Ashley says:

    If you want good recaps from the LIVE FEEDS go here ..

    They update all the time on what is going on in the house!

  15. Nicole says:

    I have noooo idea where this hate is coming from (probably delusional Brenchel/JeJo supporters) but I thought this piece was funny and accurate! It’s not supposed to be an all encompassing recap, but merely a showcase of the idiocy exhibited this week. Sorry you’re bitter that most of it is coming from the vets! They can whine all they want about the floating houseguests, but at the end of the day, they’re still targeting Dani, a proven competitor, and not taking their own advice. Thanks for the highlight of the quotes that make this season just ridiculous enough to sort of enjoy :)

  16. xwiseguyx says:

    Best recap on the net…. I agree with everything.

  17. Lauren says:

    Wow,I hope that wasn’t the BB recap for Sunday night…

  18. bamalam says:

    I have to agree with everything the writer said. Those quotes are very very dumb. And what exactly are you guys expecting this guy to recap? Sunday shows are the most boring episodes of Big Brother unless the HOH competition is an endurance challenge. Do you want him to go into intricate details about the HOH room or about how CBS can’t give America a choice over Have Not food that isn’t alliterative? Sunday shows are basically 90% fluff. I think most of you guys are just upset that he bashed your favorites and I for one am glad he isn’t on the Jeff and Jordan bandwagon, getting praise where it isn’t deserved.

  19. amy says:

    Jordan not knowing what to do with a coconut (“Do you eat it or do you drink it??”) was right up there with Porsche’s not knowing what an onion tastes like.

    • Julia says:

      I’m not even a Jeff/Jordan, Rach/Brendon fan, but what the heck, TV Line?
      Who cares if Porsche has never tasted onions? Is that really so upsetting to make your “blood boil”? And are you really making fun of Jordan for making a typo in her HOH blog, as if TVLine writers have never made typos? You reference her chest bump from her season, then say “you’re the bad player.” Did you forget that she WON? Lol.
      The comments about Jeff mocking Kalia for crying so hard, and the writer saying “Well Jeff is aligned with Rachel, and she cries all the time!” Jeff has said many times on the show and the feeds that Rachel is overdramatic and he doesn’t like being around her. So who cares how Rachel acts? That has nothing to do with him and the things he says about Kalia.

      I’m a BB fan and I love to “hate” on the HGs as much as the next person, but this article was kind of pointless. Obviously the writer is a Kalia/Dani fan, which is fine, we all have our favourites. But there are tons of better things to make your “blood boil” than someone not knowing what onions taste like…

  20. Captain says:

    Wow, the JJR fans are BITTER. I completely agree. All of those quotes irritated me too. I don’t like Danielle or Kalia as people but they have become the only duo worth rooting for. I adored Jeff/Jordan in Season 11 but they have played a TERRIBLE game. They haven’t done anything except eliminate their strongest ally (Cassi) to please two people they don’t trust and win an HOH that was handed to them. They have terrible personalities and have become the new Brenden and Rachel. All they do is threaten/bully people and cry about how life is so hard for them. They’re pathetic and hypocrites (they fully intended on putting Kalia up on the block). Out of JJR and K/D, Danielle and Kalia are certainly the lesser evils.

    • timshel says:

      Cassi was never their ally.

      • BBFan says:

        Correct, she was with the 4 newbies but she could have been. Her alliance was weak and she was very tight with Shelly who was aligned with JeJo. Their mistake was sticking with Brenchel even knowing they distrusted them from the beginning. Putting Shelly/Cassi on the block was a bad move by JeJo. If they didn’t want to go against Brenchel they should have targeted other duos. Now, they are reeling from the fact they are not being worshiped and life is hard for them. They came in being considered to be strong players yet have not really played the game well at all. Jeff wasn’t a good player in Season 11 but was lucky many times. Jordan played a great social game and carried Jeff far in the game. This season she is relying on Jeff to be the stronger player and they may end up winning but are playing a very weak, poorly devised game. I truly expected more from Jordan and would prefer to see her playing the game without Jeff.

  21. darclyte says:

    Did she say that she didn’t know what an onion tasted like, or a cocktail onion? If you don’t like onions and don’t eat them, you may not “know” what one tasted like off the top of your head. I think Porsche is dumb, but I’ll give her a pass here. I also think the episode where she said her shoulder hurt and then said “right here” and pointed to her elbow was just a case of her omitting the word “and” as in “my shoulder hurt AND right here.” She’s dumb, no doubt, but I think she knows the difference between a shoulder and an elbow.

    A number of people on multiple website are saying that Jeff was trying to bully Kalia. Jeff has a temper, and has gone off on people. But, I think what he did is VERY different than what Brendon and Rachel have done. Yes he yelled at her, but he was at a distance, he didn’t call her names, he didn’t treat her as if she was stupid, he explained his position and how it could bite her in the ass. Jeff has definitely been more agressive this year, but I wouldn’t call what he did bullying. I didn’t care for his tactic, but I do understand it. What Brendon and Rachel did to people was pretty reprehensible, and FAR worse in my opinion.

    J&J need to stop whining. Their a TRUE couple, so they’ll be targets. I think Kalia was honest in that he wasn’t her target, but if he did end up going then it’d be as Jeff said last week about Dani getting evicted “Whoops.”

    I think Kalia SHOULD have nominated Porsche and Rachel. I think her wanting Jeff to play and win the Veto is good in theory, unless one Rachel were to win it. But, I think whoever she nominated, Jeff would have ended up there even initially or as a replacement. At least this way he gets a chance to save himself. I don’t know why he & Jordan don’t get that. I just wonder if Kalia will put up Jordan or Porsche should either of her noms use the Veto?

    • timshel says:

      Agree with you about Jeff. It was perhaps a little bit of an overreaction, but he was making some pretty valid points. And Kalia was feeding him some bs for sure, and he clearly knew it. Yes, he may not be her target right now, but she’d be fine if he went home if Rachel was off the block, so her trying to talk her way around that like she really wants him to stay was pointless. Kalia has been pretty non existent in this game, along with a few other newbies, so her being a target for anyone at this point is simply because she’s latched on to Daniele, who’s got a huge target on her back. I was rooting for Daniele for awhile there, but she’s becoming less and less likable. I’m curious about the comment someone made about her making fun of Jordan during the have not comp. What’s up with that? Since when does she have a problem with Jordan? And no, I don’t see the live feeds, so I really have no idea if there is a back story to it.

  22. boyd crowder says:

    Can we please get a new writer (one that is actually a big brother fan) to start writing up the recaps? All this guy does is complain!

  23. Pam says:

    As someone who does not watch Big Brother, I found this recap very funny! :)

  24. david says:

    Im sorry Louis but it seems like you rant and not in a good way. Can you please find 1 thing you actually like about the season and mention it. yes the cast sucks and yes at times you have made some good points but you have been hating on this show for the last 3 weeks at least!you can do better then that

  25. Sharron says:

    GOOD NEWS! Jeff won POV and he can take himself off the block. I really hate the new people this year. Too many stupid people.I like the players from before.

    • timshel says:

      Please don’t do that. There are a lot of people who read the recap and comments who don’t watch the live feeds. Spoiling it for them before it airs is rude. TVLine is very good about that with the articles, so try to refrain from spoiling things in your comment.

  26. JH says:

    Enough with the outrage over Jeff’s supposed rant. If you watch it, you will understand the true point – not the publicity monster it’s turning out to be. Don’t start in with the fake “outrage” on here….I’m gay and have no problem with what he said. Watch all the footage for yourself before you judge.

  27. Sean says:

    When Rachel was blubbering in the Have Not Room, I couldn’t get past the fact that Rachel’s black streaked eyes made her look like Poison Ivy. If you look more like a Batman villain than a Reality TV show contestant, you should probably STOP CRYING!

    I hope you’ll check out the rest of my recap at or you can just click my name.

  28. em says:

    Wow. Don’t take it so seriously folks – if Louis recapped The Kardashians or Jersey Shore, people on the comment board would be applauding him. It’s a summer show and we’re lucky to get anything about BB on TVLine that offers tidbits for every show. If you don’t know what to expect from Louis’ recaps by now – more than a dozen eps into the show – take your trolling and hate somewhere else. That said, I agree with most of these, especially Jordan and Porsche’s quotes. I made the weirdest face when Porsche said she never tasted an onion and then proceeded to put it into the blender.

  29. Sam sherrill says:

    Hey nobody recapper, where did Ausiello pluck you from? This is hopelessly biased. Lots of people, like me, find Dani nasty and mean-spirited. Sort of like you, Vertel.

  30. Beth says:

    Gotta agree with everyone about this article. I don’t think you can call it a recap if all you’re doing is bashing the house guests you don’t like (and telling us how upset you are to have to add you’re favorite to the list of stupid quotes).

  31. Jared says:

    Loved the recap. :) Jeff/Jordan were one of my favs… this season I loathe them. Why the hell would you aligne with Rachel? Not SMART!

  32. JohnDoe says:

    It’s too bad this show doesn’t have any good players on it anymore. Whatever happened to the brilliant strategists like Dr. Will?

  33. sadtroll says:

    Well…I don’t mind LV’s recaps at all, and this article was rather specifically titled for what it is so not sure about some of the complainin. Whoever was wondering why LV seems biased it’s because THIS ISN’T A FREAKING ELECTION – IT’S BIG BROTHER YOU TOOL!

    Though his ragging on Jeff for being insensitive to Kalia’s histrionics when he’s allied with Rachel is just wrong. Jeff’s been plenty annoyed with Rachel this season and has said so on the show.

  34. Lex says:

    What an utterly obnoxious, worthless, vapid recap.

    Last time I even bother with this nonsense.

  35. catu says:

    What an utter waste of time! Really, THESE are the quotes that made your blood boil??? Wow, must not take much to set you off. And you might want to try and temper your bias next time you write an article. I’m a Dani fan, but I can see her faults as well as all the other houseguests faults. It’s ridiculous to twist things so they look favorably on your beloved hg, or make the other hgs look bad. Most of your logic in this “recap” was flawed and pretty much pointless. I won’t be reading any more of your “recaps”, not worth wasting the three minutes to read it.

  36. Rebecca Parker says:

    Why is everyone being so nasty to the recapper? If you don’t agree, or you don’t like it, move on. There’s no need to be mean.

    And if you read any of the recaps on this site, they’re often told from the viewpoint of someone with definite opinions on the show which are expressed. This is nothing new. Think Slezak’s (completely justified) love of Haley, for one.

    If you want a straight up, boring, bare bones recap, then yeah this is not the place for it.

    But please – can’t we be courteous to the writers? I can’t believe the things that have been said in the comments. So rude.

    Keep up the good work Louis!

  37. JAson says:

    Danielle is right. They have to play like the twist isn’t happening. Because it might not happen. Someone else could still enter. You have to take the chance to get either Jeff or Rachel out now. If they do get back in then you are the same because they hate Kalia already anyway and any deal they made would be a lie. SO now they have a fifty fifty chance that the person they evict will come back. If they nominate someone else then they have one more enemy no matter what.

  38. J says:

    Haha. So many people are up in arms because something negative was said about their precious Jeff and Jordan. It’s true. Jeff and Jordan were on high horses for three weeks in a row. They had their laughs, but now they’re bitter because they’re at the bottom.

    News flash! They aren’t the same people they were BB11. They’ve had their nasty shots and have a false sense of entitlement because they’ve done this before. It’s annoying.

    You spoke the truth, sir. I enjoyed this very much.

  39. Josh says:

    This recapper is very brave. To go against JeJo the golden children of BB and the couple all fans love..bravo! I like it!

  40. Scott says:

    I’m just amazed at how many different names Louis used to respond to this thread. ;)

  41. Ann says:

    Big Brother sucks and its fixed.
    After tonight I will never watch it again