Strap on your stupid elf costume like Adam, because Christmas came early on Thursday’s Big Brother — in the form of five fantastic new developments. After weeks of veteran superiority, I found myself jolted back to life as the credits rolled. Jolted, I say! The kind of electroshock burst that gives you a permanent Evel Dick twitch and Shelly’s burnt sienna complexion. Let’s count down the five best moments from the titillating elimination episode and see how we feel about Julie Chen’s new “twist.”
1. Brendon’s woeful(ly hilarious) elimination
Based on Jordan’s un-threatening standing in the game, Brendon’s elimination was inevitable. But who cares! The eviction was the perfect culmination of all the whimpering melodrama. And by “whimpering melodrama” I just mean Rachel, who is a whimpering clown, a melodramatic frightwig, and a magenta-tinted pox on humanity. After Julie Chen announced that Brendon was voted out of the house in a 5-2 vote, Rachel devolved into an asthmatic heap of whinnies and shrieks, helpless as that freaky horse from The Ring as it bolted ’round the boat and flung itself into the ocean. So long, Brendon! Now you can finish your Ph.D. in Board Shorts Studies, or whatever.
2. Kalia’s staggering kiss-off to Brendon
I’ve been unimpressed by Kalia’s gameplay thus far, since she’s waffled in alliances and made a spectacle of herself in front of much dumber people like Jeff. But when Brendon sat next to Julie Chen and watched Kalia’s videotape taunt, I cheered. Hard. Like I was watching Rudy or Breaking Away or a new Bjork outfit. Here’s Kalia’s snappy sendoff in full: “Brendon, I am so happy you’re seeing this message. I genuinely have no clue why you’re so arrogant. There are a lot of things that are easier than rocket science, and apparently getting you out of this house is one of them.” I still don’t love Kalia as a combatant, but as a slayer of lumbering thugs like Brendon, she’s the permanent HOH.
3. Kalia’s HOH victory
And speaking of HOH: Kalia’s it! Daniele warned Kalia that she needed to win the HOH game — a trivia competition regarding eliminated houseguests Keith, Cassi, and Dominic — to help their alliance stay alive, but I didn’t expect Kalia to capture the title with such swiftness. She trounced the others. Dropkicked them. Now we can look forward to a nominations ceremony that will likely feature Rachel and… who exactly? Jeff? Would she do that? How about Jordan or Shelly? Or the veterans’ devoted underling Porsche? Or Brendon again for the hell of it, because it’s glorious watching him fall?
4. Porsche asks Rachel to put her dumb feelings on ice
I’ve mocked her in this column, but it’s clear that Porsche’s on the losing end of a dubious editing job. Every time we see her she’s bleating, scampering, or seeming way confused. If Big Brother is Full House, then Porsche would be Comet, am I right? Well, bottom line, I didn’t realize Porsche was capable of plainspoken greatness until she commanded a blubbering Rachel to “stop with the ‘sad’ thing. It’s making people uncomfortable.” The “sad thing!” Thing is so right. Rachel’s attitude is no more dimensional than a below-average “thing.” Porsche’s candor sent Rachel into a toddler tailspin, a tantrum that carried her all the way to a timeout on the hammock. Bravo, Porsche. You just became interesting, even necessary.
5. The odds of Cassi’s return to the game!
I admit that I’m a little unnerved by the new twist Julie promised. According to the ‘Bot, next week’s evicted contestant will square off against a previously eliminated houseguest for a chance to rejoin the game. We don’t know many more details yet, but in a best-case scenario, this could mean my beloved Cassi — the backwoods Tomb Raider with unamused Jennifer Connelly eyebrows — will be back to stare down Rachel, strike fear into her mediastinum, and run her over with her uncle’s ATV. America is responsible for voting on an eliminated contestant to return, and I think Cassi has a better chance than Brendon and Keith. It’s Dominic who may be the spoiler, though he won’t provide nearly as much grit as Cassi. Vote for the dead-eyed bumpkin, y’all! She’ll cut you up with a shank made out of her unwashed hair.
What did you think of the elimination episode? Are you sad to see Brendon go, you cretin? Or are you thrilled? Who will Kalia nominate on Sunday? Are the others onto Shelly’s aggressive two-timing? Tell me in the comments, read me regularly at Movieline.com, and follow me on Twitter at @louisvirtel.