Big Brother Recap: 5 Most Promising Moments!

Strap on your stupid elf costume like Adam, because Christmas came early on Thursday’s Big Brother — in the form of five fantastic new developments. After weeks of veteran superiority, I found myself jolted back to life as the credits rolled. Jolted, I say! The kind of electroshock burst that gives you a permanent Evel Dick twitch and Shelly’s burnt sienna complexion. Let’s count down the five best moments from the titillating elimination episode and see how we feel about Julie Chen’s new “twist.”

1. Brendon’s woeful(ly hilarious) elimination
Based on Jordan’s un-threatening standing in the game, Brendon’s elimination was inevitable. But who cares! The eviction was the perfect culmination of all the whimpering melodrama. And by “whimpering melodrama” I just mean Rachel, who is a whimpering clown, a melodramatic frightwig, and a magenta-tinted pox on humanity. After Julie Chen announced that Brendon was voted out of the house in a 5-2 vote, Rachel devolved into an asthmatic heap of whinnies and shrieks, helpless as that freaky horse from The Ring as it bolted ’round the boat and flung itself into the ocean. So long, Brendon! Now you can finish your Ph.D. in Board Shorts Studies, or whatever.

2. Kalia’s staggering kiss-off to Brendon
I’ve been unimpressed by Kalia’s gameplay thus far, since she’s waffled in alliances and made a spectacle of herself in front of much dumber people like Jeff. But when Brendon sat next to Julie Chen and watched Kalia’s videotape taunt, I cheered. Hard. Like I was watching Rudy or Breaking Away or a new Bjork outfit. Here’s Kalia’s snappy sendoff in full: “Brendon, I am so happy you’re seeing this message. I genuinely have no clue why you’re so arrogant. There are a lot of things that are easier than rocket science, and apparently getting you out of this house is one of them.” I still don’t love Kalia as a combatant, but as a slayer of lumbering thugs like Brendon, she’s the permanent HOH.

3. Kalia’s HOH victory
And speaking of HOH: Kalia’s it! Daniele warned Kalia that she needed to win the HOH game — a trivia competition regarding eliminated houseguests Keith, Cassi, and Dominic — to help their alliance stay alive, but I didn’t expect Kalia to capture the title with such swiftness. She trounced the others. Dropkicked them. Now we can look forward to a nominations ceremony that will likely feature Rachel and… who exactly? Jeff? Would she do that? How about Jordan or Shelly? Or the veterans’ devoted underling Porsche? Or Brendon again for the hell of it, because it’s glorious watching him fall?

4. Porsche asks Rachel to put her dumb feelings on ice
I’ve mocked her in this column, but it’s clear that Porsche’s on the losing end of a dubious editing job. Every time we see her she’s bleating, scampering, or seeming way confused. If Big Brother is Full House, then Porsche would be Comet, am I right? Well, bottom line, I didn’t realize Porsche was capable of plainspoken greatness until she commanded a blubbering Rachel to “stop with the ‘sad’ thing. It’s making people uncomfortable.” The “sad thing!” Thing is so right. Rachel’s attitude is no more dimensional than a below-average “thing.” Porsche’s candor sent Rachel into a toddler tailspin, a tantrum that carried her all the way to a timeout on the hammock. Bravo, Porsche. You just became interesting, even necessary.

5. The odds of Cassi’s return to the game!
I admit that I’m a little unnerved by the new twist Julie promised. According to the ‘Bot, next week’s evicted contestant will square off against a previously eliminated houseguest for a chance to rejoin the game. We don’t know many more details yet, but in a best-case scenario, this could mean my beloved Cassi — the backwoods Tomb Raider with unamused Jennifer Connelly eyebrows — will be back to stare down Rachel, strike fear into her mediastinum, and run her over with her uncle’s ATV. America is responsible for voting on an eliminated contestant to return, and I think Cassi has a better chance than Brendon and Keith. It’s Dominic who may be the spoiler, though he won’t provide nearly as much grit as Cassi. Vote for the dead-eyed bumpkin, y’all! She’ll cut you up with a shank made out of her unwashed hair.

What did you think of the elimination episode? Are you sad to see Brendon go, you cretin? Or are you thrilled? Who will Kalia nominate on Sunday? Are the others onto Shelly’s aggressive two-timing? Tell me in the comments, read me regularly at Movieline.com, and follow me on Twitter at @louisvirtel.

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24 Comments
  1. Simon says:

    Great recap, I agree with all that was written. Especially about Kahlia, she isn’t the easiest person to cheer on cause she can get quite annoying however she was brilliant in her goodbye message to Brendon. Hes just so smug with nothing to back it up, and his attacks on other housemates is just awful. And yes vote Cassi! Not sure how it works, is it Americas vote vs. Next weeks evicted houseguest?

  2. 8daysaweek says:

    I would love to see Cassi come back in the house if Rachel is there but what my heart really wants is for Brendon and Rachel to have to compete for one of them to go back in the house. Brendon definitely realized last night that his fiancee cannot handle the game without him and falling on his sword for her was a big mistake. I think he’ll actually fight, not just let her go back in and she’ll flip out if that’s the case.

    Also I hate them but their fights are hilarious.

  3. Lauren says:

    I think I’d rather gouge my eyes out than watch Kalia be HOH all week on the Live Feeds. Ugh !

    The CONSTANT talking and chewing into the microphone.Eat eat eat and nonstop talking.

    Man it’s going to be a loooong week

    • DryedMangoez says:

      She’s also has a dirty mouth. Her constant sex talk is disgusting.

    • toni says:

      Actually the live feeds show them as very different than how CBS makes them seem on the very edited show. Rachel and her man are the most disgusting things on the show this season, after he left, Shelly found towels and filthy sheets full of the leftovers from their sex acts, you can figure the rest out yourself. Oh and Rachel had her time of the month too to just add to the ewww factor.

  4. boyd crowder says:

    Cassi FTW

  5. Michael says:

    If anyone is the victim of a bad editing job, it’s Kalia. On the live feeds, I’ve found her to be more likeable and, actually, significantly more intelligent and aware that BB has shown. Porshe did make an astute comment, but she’s still very shallow and vapid. Her clear allegiance to Rachel, even more obvious because of her vote for Brendon, is going to get her in trouble in the end. She’s going down with a sinking ship.

    Shelly drives me insane. Can’t stand her. She looks like a deep-fried Geena Davis.

    • TheReasonsY says:

      I agree. Kalia looks like an idiot on the show but in the live feed she isn’t so bad. I loved her conversation with Jeff about gays and found it funny/suspect that Jeff’s image as a good guy wasn’t the least bit tarnished despite his clearly homophobic rant.

  6. darclyte says:

    I LOVE it when someone “unexpected” wins HOH!

    It’s SO funny how Brenchel kept calling Kalia a “floater.” In fact, Kalia chose to go with the Vets over the Newbs, so that’s not floating. She then chose to go with Dani over the rest of the Vets, so that’s also not floating. Last week, she lasted the second longest in the endurance comp which is not floating. Last night, not only did she win HOH but she did it by answering the most questions (4.) Kalia is NOT a “floater,” and I think that’s partially why she “broke down” after because she had taken so much heat from the Vets.

    Kalia TALKS and TALKS and TALKS and EATS and EATS and EATS. Seeing MORE of her may not be a great thing, but at least we won’t get “The Brenchel Show” anymore.

    Dani will be highly influencing if not “running” Kalia’s HOH, so it SHOULD be Rachel & either Shelly or Porsche. Porsche makes more sense because she voted with Rachel, but Dani likes Porsche more than Shelly who she does not trust. Regardless, it’ll be those 3 in jeopardy this week. Kalia would be stupid to put up Jeff even though they’ve had it out a few times.

    Rachel and her “undefeated” record in HOH comps is over, and her worst nightmare won instead of her. Sorry Rachel, but I think you’re gonna get another week on the block, along with your buddy Porsche (with Shelly as the replacement Nom if it comes to that.)

    There’s no way Keith or Brendon will get voted back by “America.” It WOULD be funny though if Rachel got evicted to have her compete against Brendon to get back into the house. I think “America’s Vote” will go like this in terms of most to least votes:
    Dom > Cassi > Brendon > Keith. I’d prefer to see Cassi, but it’ll probably be Dom.

    I thought Julie looked terrible. She had big pageant hair and HUGE fake eyelashes that looked like she had giant caterpillars on her eyes.

  7. Sean says:

    Rachel whined about the idea of Brendon leaving the Big Brother house, crying that “we work so well together. We are like…the most dynamic duo.” I can think of a lot of Duos that are more dynamic than Brendon and Rachel: Batman and Robin (obvious choice), Bacon and Eggs, Peanut Butter and Jelly, Siegfried and Roy, damn, even Lawon and Kalia are more dynamic than you two.

    After you’re done here at TV Line, I hope you’ll check out the rest of my recap “A Tidal Wave Of Rachel’s Tears, And The Live Eviction” at http://sfurfaro.blogspot.com/2011/08/big-brother-recap-tidal-wave-of-rachels.html or you can just click my name.

  8. JudibOOty says:

    Best. Recap. Ever! Sums up my feelings to a tee! Hell yeah I’m happy that bully, bawling, big baby Brendon got the boot! He totally deserved it & it was delicious TV at best! Although I voted for Dom to return to BB your opinion on Cassi to return has merits. Anything that would drive Rachel crazier is gold! It will be EPIC! I’ll pay top $$$ to see Rachel’s eyes bulge out when her nemesis returns!!! I am so loving Big Brother this Summer!

  9. Domforthewin says:

    Hearing Cassi call Dom a fa**ot on the live feeds was a real turn off for me. I’m voting for Dom. The house has been boring since his exit.

    • Sivat says:

      I am also uncomfortable with Cassi’s bigotry and homophobia. I have already voted and will continue to vote for Dominic.

      • sadtroll says:

        Cassi isn’t a bigot or a homophobe, she’s got a weird group of friends who drop that word a lot with no ill feeling behind it.

        Also Sivat, you’re not uncomfortable with anything – you’re just a troll.

  10. Christina says:

    I like that the game has shifted away from the vets. The first 3 weeks it was heading towards a vets showdown now its not so that’s good.

    As for who will be getting voted back in it’s going to be either Dom or Cassi. I think I would prefer Cassi back in because Dom is just going to stay in bed all day with Danielle. Cassi on the other hand is hated by all the girls in the house except Jordan and Shelly and would drive them bonkers.

  11. Mark says:

    Yeah, I think I’d like Cassi, although the bigotry makes me want Dominic more. However, I think Kalia might benefit more from Cassi, as I feel Kalia may be pushed aside by Dani if Dom comes back.

  12. Sonya says:

    I am so happy Khalia stepped up. Like Dani, she decided to make some bold moves and step it up! She was never a floater in the game. Quite frankly, I think floater is used too loosely. Bretchel called anyone not playing the game their to their advantage a floater. Racheal cried because they are playing for themselves. Umm… yeah this game isnt about helping you win its about each individual winning.
    I hope Cassi or Dom gets voted back in. I think I prefer Dom. I think he will help Dani and Khalia get far in the game. I want Rahecl gone next Thurday and then the Mangirl Shelly after that!

  13. Mikos says:

    I don’t get the Full House reference. I’m okay with that.

    Would like Cassi or maybe Dom to come back but the idea of a freshly evicted Rachel having to compete against Brendan coming back in the house is really too delicious.

  14. janie says:

    The true floaters are actually shelly and adam… both of them go back and forth between the two sides of the house so much that i dont know whose side they are on anymore.. thats the definition of a floater.. not someone who chooses to play more of a social game than a competitive one.

  15. Evan M says:

    I’m shocked how no one else seems to have noticed yet how rigged last night’s HOH competition was towards Kalia and it shows Grodner WANTED either her or Rachel to specifically win.

    Before Julie Chen has even BEGUN the quote for the first question Kalia pushes the button for the correct answer of Keith? How in the world can she know that if the quote hasn’t even been read? That’s obvious shenanigans.

    And they tried to obviously do the same thing with Rachel because she also hit the button before the quote was anywhere close to being said but you can tell by her cursing moment she hit the wrong one and realized it right after because she was too eager.

    • darclyte says:

      Actually, this is the type of competition that Rachel usually does well when they have it.

      It’s not shenanigans, it’s knowing how this type of game works in BB after having seen it in previous years, or for the Vets their having been a part of prior seasons and playing this type of HOH game before.

      I knew the first answer too as the question was (paraphrasing here) “in the eviction speech, which HG referred to other HGs as…”
      I said, “Dom,” and Kalia hit the buzzer. Dom was the ONLY person to refer to the others in his outgoing speech.

      Dani had “trained” with Kalia because Dani knew that this type of “knock out/elimination” competition hadn’t happened yet and they usually do it a couple of times a season. Dani told Kalia that the answer is usually early in the question so she should hit the buzzer as soon as she had it, and not to wait for Julie to finish the question.

  16. JohnDoe says:

    This is a reality show, they’re gonna do what they have to do to make the ratings. I think they’re setting up this “twist” to make it easier for Brendan to come back.