Big Brother Recap: The Daniele-Rachel-Brendon Comedy Hour!

Wednesday night’s episode of Big Brother proved that even the producers only care about three combatants in the house: scrappy Daniele, scrooge-y Brendon, and squawky Rachel. I’m sure you can’t argue. Daniele is our friendly double agent whose verve is wild, but mostly praiseworthy. Do we even have an option for another likable crusader? Professional sigher Jordan? Jive enthusiast Lawon? Rascal kindergartener Porsche? Actually, if you’re rooting for Porsche, you’re an advanced form of homo sapien, and I love and fear you. But for us meager mortals, Daniele’s the only beacon of humanity in sight.

At the top of the episode, Brendon and Rachel express their dissatisfaction with HOH Daniele’s choice to nominate them for eviction. They emit the kinds of screeches and coos that make me think they were born three minutes ago.

“I will strike!” exclaims Rachel in a tearful confessional, like some Muppet Baby version of Scarlett O’Hara. “You said I pulled the first sword, Daniele. Well, guess what? I’m back with Excalibur, and that sword is undefeated!”

You know she thinks Excalibur is the sword from The Pagemaster. Or Hook. Or a musketeer-themed episode of Muppet Babies, if we’re sticking to that theme. Either way, the more literary references Rachel makes, the better. Alas, she falls short in that department during her weepy exchange with Brendon, where the engaged couple hugs for hours, cries, and curses Daniele for playing Big Brother like a Big Brother player.

“Daniele’s such a mean girl!” Rachel hollers at us, pointedly ignoring an easy Lady Macbeth reference. “She sucks at this game!”

Brendon holds her against his tanktopped bosom and comforts her for some “snuggling time.”

“We’re getting married; we’ll be a team forever!” he explains, helpfully. Then he points at Rachel’s heart and unleashes a soundbite that will live in Big Brother infamy until as long as anyone can stand it.

“You’ve got a big one of these,” he says, patting her heart. “Well, it’s actually lower. It’s behind your mediastinum. You know I know that because I’m a Ph.D. student.”

Oh, is that why? I thought you knew it because a tag on Rachel’s torso said “mediastinum,” you prefab Nigel Barker jackass. Brendon’s preoccupation with announcing his Ph.D. candidacy is just so weird and funny, like when Kareem Abdul-Jabbar keeps calling himself “the copilot” in Airplane! before a child outs him as Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. In a similar fashion, I’d like someone to out Brendon as intolerable. Could just one person say it? Please? Lawon, I’d like it to be you. Say it while performing a little two-step! It’s less offensive that way, and everyone claps as you start to limbo under Shelly’s bowlegged stance.

Onto the P.O.V. contestant drawing: HOH Daniele and nominated goons Rachel and Brendon draw names from a hat and announce they’ll be playing against Porsche (whose attempts at competitiveness are always worth a chortle), Adam (who is still wearing that kneeslapper of an elf suit), and unintelligent Jeff. He has a plan to win the P.O.V. over Rachel and Brendon and save himself from a potential backdooring, but he’ll have to outrank some fierce opposition to make it happen.

The challenge combines elements of past games — the miniature golf course is there, the spelling-related hairy legs are back, and even the crater full of Keith’s humped-out milk returns in diminutive form. The six players are asked to estimate how quickly they can finish challenges on these various set pieces; the player who estimates the lowest time on each apparatus is forced to attempt the challenge — if that player fails, he’s eliminated, but if he succeeds, the player who estimated the highest time is eliminated. Confused? It’s Big Brother, so you can rest assured it’s much dumber and more amoral in person.

After a few rounds of sped-up mini golf, milk soaking, and spelling, the winner of the Power of Veto is that man of all seasons (or just one season: my own personal nuclear winter) Brendon. Argh! No! Why!? Now Daniele has to vote someone else into the nomination dungeon, and no other fanciable options exist. Shelly even asks Daniele about her decision, knowing that Brendon will save either himself or Rachel at the P.O.V. ceremony. After Shelly leaves the room, Daniele makes the episode’s best observation.

“She’s sketchy as hell,” she says to Kalia. And she’s right. Shelly is aligned with the veterans and the newbies, and now she’s making the mistake of demanding confidential information even from outsiders Daniele and Kalia. It’s messy, that gameplay. Shelly figured her beige haircut and face would help her blend into the faux bois for a majority of the season, but I suspect her demise is coming sooner than she’s planning. Also: I’m a Daniele zealot and will promote any conspiracy that helps her to victory. Don’t insult me by expecting objective journalism from this column again.

The last stretch of the hour is spent with Brendon and Rachel, who want to convince Daniele that Brendon will leave Rachel on the chopping block and save himself. That way, Brendon assumes, when he actually puts himself on the chopping block, Daniele will have to form a new strategy, select a more appropriate candidate to go up against Brendon, and perhaps make another enemy in the house. Here’s the problem with that argument: Brendon, everyone’s just going to vote you out of the house. There’s no contest. You have honeyed-up biceps, and those make you a target for extermination. Pretending otherwise is not a winning strategy. Being Brendon is not a winning strategy.

Lo and behold, at the P.O.V. ceremony, Brendon saves Rachel. Searing violins play. Daniele — who is not too flummoxed by the switcheroo, even though Brendon lied to her about his plans in a pointless meeting earlier — decides to replace Rachel with Jordan, one of her current alliance partners. Daniele reasons that Jordan won’t be voted out over a powerhouse like Brendon, and I’d call that a sane plan. Daniele: The Safe Planner Who Sometimes Messes Up. She could run for president under that slogan, I surmise.

What did you think of the episode? Low-key and expected? Kind of entertaining, when you squint a little? I have to agree. And do you think Brendon’s going home tomorrow? Hit me in the comments, read me regularly at Movieline.com, and follow me on Twitter at @louisvirtel!

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26 Comments
  1. Sivat says:

    Daniele is the best and only reason to watch this season.

    I loved the immediate ridiculousness right off the bat with Brendon and Rachel—her stupid Excalibur comment and his “I’m a PhD student” bulls**t. Please Brendon, LEAVE TONIGHT and don’t come back!

    BTW, my favourite moments are the short clips between the recap and the opening credits. It’s always something random. Last night it was Rachel tripping again. HAHAHA!!!

  2. Sivat says:

    Also, the person who estimated the *highest* time was eliminated.

  3. Kim says:

    Danielle is a lying, caniving witch who needs to go back under the rock she came from. She and her dad lied about not talking to each other as evidenced the other night regarding the Minnesota NFL stadium collapsing and the 2 of them showing up to it not knowing what had happened. This just took place in December 2010. Brendon is smarter than Danielle and her cronies think which is why I hope he comes back in the game. Danielle and Kalia haven’t been using their microphones and them being able to move things in the house is absurd. They can do no wrong but anyone else does the same, the producers call them out on it. All this show is is the producers giving a little cheese to these mice and the mice running with it. Adam admitted he had a crush on Rachel…feed gets cutoff because producers don’t want the public to know what they talked to him about. Jeff and Jordan backstabbed brendon and Rachel…how did that come out when it was only Jeff Jordan and Danielle in the HOH room? Give me a break….f&$@ Danielle and her alcoholic father.

  4. Annie says:

    If the Houseguests leave Jordan in the house it’ll be HUGE mistake. Jordan’s already won BB and she’s well on her way to winning again. No one thinks of her as a threat and she’ll slide right into the final 2 and win because everyone loves her. If I were in the house I’d evict Jordan, make deals with Brenchel, take one of them to final 2 and win. Most of these people hate Brenchel, therefore, why not take one of them to the Final 2 and win the whole darn game?

    • JD says:

      i partially agree with you, but i’d like to play devil’s advocate here: if i was one of the vets (primarily Danielle) i would want Jordan to be with me in the final 2. “she already won $500k” is a great arguement to get the jealous, money hungry jury members to NOT vote for her a second time. if i was a competition-winning machine, like Rachel (ugh) or Danielle, and i was gong to the final 2, i’d want Jordan with me no question. “she didn’t win any competitions and she already has the money” is all you need to say in the final interviews to secure your win. this strategy would even work for most of the newbies, i’d think.

  5. sweetD says:

    I would like to thank Brendon for providing me with minutes of laughter when he said what soon may become my favourite quote of all time:

    “Don’t worry Rachel I’m going to make a lot more than half a million dollars in my lifetime, I’m going to get out of here, cure cancer, patent it and become a millionaire”

    Oh poor delusional Brendon.

    • Jacque says:

      Yea , I thought it was nice that he wants to make his million on the back of sick people …Do it for the money not because it would be a great thing to do !!!!!

  6. Magically Suspicious says:

    Brendon’s ego is the only thing in that house bigger than Rachel’s boobs.

  7. Diane WIilliams says:

    Bravo, Daniele for playing the game.
    If they don’t send Brendon home we may never get the cure cancer.

    • Evan says:

      For a lot of us, its not so much about Daniele playing the game (which she certainly is) but “Why screw up the alliance this early?”

      I would think it would be more advantageous to keep the 5 together until the newbies have all been picked off, then work your way into taking everyone else out.

      At this point if Daniele made it to final two, all she’s made sure to do is have two confirmed votes for whoever she’s sitting against.

      Now that I wouldn’t call “playing the game”. They know how bitter the jury gets.

  8. reb says:

    Prefab Nigel Barker Jackass sounds like an awesome band name. Plus, it made me snort Diet Coke out of my nose.

  9. The WB Frog says:

    Actually watched last night’s episode. God forbid they show the “new” houseguests at length. Although, based on what I saw last night, they are as boring as Rachel’s fake laugh. This season stinks.

    • Jacque says:

      You are certainly right about that…Having B/R on back to back seasons is just way too much…One season of them is more than enough..
      I would love nothing better than for Rach to leave with him tonite !!

  10. Michael says:

    As a competitor, I think I’d rather get Rachel out of the house than Brendon. Rachel actually has a chance of winning HoH and getting Danielle out of the house next week.

  11. Bill Tracy says:

    What I found also wonderful is now Jeff knows that Brendon and Rachel lied to him. He asked Brachel what their POV plans were, and they flat out lied to him. So I’m hoping Jeff wises up and realizes that the one half of Brachel that’s left, Rachel, is NOT on his side at all.

    I would love to see Daniel win it. I’d also be happy with anyone winning but Rachel.

  12. Susan says:

    I have never seen two people more childishly co-dependent that Brendon and Rachel I can’t imagine that either of them has any friends in real life, as I doubt anyone could stomach being around them for any length of time. I can’t wait for them to be off of my TV screen.

  13. 8daysaweek says:

    Brendon and Rachel are so very, very awful. They hate floaters but they also hate people who play the game. Basically, they only like people who play the game with them. It’s unfair that floaters float on by and it’s unfair that people who play the game have power.
    They are so exhausting.
    However their dramatic proclamations and tears made me extremely excited for their wedding special and even more excited for their inevitable divorce special.

  14. sadtroll says:

    Louis V, ya need to get over your Danielle love. Obviously she’s WAY better, more interesting and less of a whackjob than R&B but the way she descends into high-school mean girl cattiness at any opportunity is offputting.

    I was hoping she’d grown a bit since last time and with being out from under her father’s shadow but for every smart game move or delicious comment from her there’s a really juvenille meanness the creeps out when things aren’t going her way.

  15. rachelweirdo says:

    I would like to clarify – Rachel did not say “Excalibur”, she said “Excalivur”! (to make things even worse). Ugh, she is so annoying and illiterate.

  16. chloe says:

    One season of Brendon and Rachel was more than enough. I think it’s in their best interest to take a break from tv and seek professional help.

  17. Tim says:

    Great review. It was a very funny hour watching this dumb show, but I love it! Honestly, I have no favorites, but too bad that Brandon got voted out, end of our comedy hour!

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