The Bachelorette - The Men Tell All: 10 Questions That Never Got Asked or Answered

For an episode subtitled “The Men Tell All,” Sunday night’s installment of The Bachelorette — the fetid (un)appetizer to tonight’s season finale — contained precious little in the way of scintillating intel. We discovered that Ashley suffered a toe cramp while practicing Tai Chi with Ryan in Taiwan (probably because her pants were so tight, she lost circulation to her extremities). We learned that our heroine likes to slather her face with Vaseline right before bedtime. (“You don’t wanna sleep next to me: That’s all I’m saying!” Ashley grinned, continuing her reign of unwitting romantic self-sabotage.) There was no Bentley, no matter how hard ABC’s promo editors worked to make us believe that the season’s biggest villain would be flying in from Doucheistan to submit to the audience’s thirst for blood. And, of course, there was an extended advertisement for Season 2 of Bachelor Pad, that bubbling cauldron of toxic skank and international bad vibes that serves as a “special home*” for contestants who don’t find love on The Bachelor/Bachelorette franchise.

One big problem that always plagues the “Men Tell All” telecasts is that host Chris Harrison is far too much a complicit company man to ask the tough questions of Ashley, her suitors, the show, and even himself that viewers really want answered. So in that spirit, I’m not bothering to recap the bland proceedings — Ryan feels “fortunate and thankful” for knowing Ashley; Ames just wants Ashley to be happy; Michelle Money is clutching at fame’s throat like a Boa constrictor gripping a juicy bunny — and will instead pose 10 questions I would’ve really liked asked and answered.

1) During the extended discussion of Bentleygate, I really wish Ashley had turned to Chris Harrison and asked: Do you ever feel like a jackass for not showing me behind-the-scenes footage of Bentley telling Bachelorette producers that he was only on the show to play games with my heart?

2) Someone really needed to pause on the screengrab of Constantine and Ben that I’ve embedded at the end of this recap and asked Ashley if she ever found it a little creepy to be dating two guys who could easily pass as brothers. (Bonus question for Ashley and all of you at home: Which one’s hotter? I will answer “Constantine” 100 times out of 100, and not just ’cause he knows how to make a pizza, although that helps. Then again, Ben makes wine, and that’s no shabby skill set, either.)

3) This is more of a burning question than something that needed to be asked during the telecast, but did Bachelorette producers have such a hard time filling seats for “Men Tell All” that they were forced to create a CGI audience on a tight budget? If not, how come half the people in reaction shots looked blue and pixelated (see second screengrab below)? Poor Ashley: She can’t even get an audience to stick around. Badum-bum!

4) Seriously, I wanted to throttle Chris Harrison with a bouquet of Bachelorette roses when he ended his interview with William by noting, “you’ve learned a life lesson from all of this.” A LIFE LESSON THAT ENDED WITH HIM SIGNING UP FOR BACHELOR PAD? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

5) The more important question for William, though, pertained to his early-season comment to Ashley that he’s “always wanted to be a standup comedian.” Was that his real reason for coming on the show? And if so, couldn’t he have come up with funnier material during the Ashley Roast date?

6) A question for the charming, way-too-intelligent-for-this-jelly Ames: With hindsight in your corner, do you now regret stepping into that Muay Thai boxing ring and getting a concussion in your failed attempt to win Ashley’s heart? Also: How many fingers am I holding up? Do you know what year it is? Do you know what your name is? Why are you, too, going on Bachelor Pad?

7) Where in Frederick’s of Hollywood hell did Ashley procure that one-shouldered, black lycra dress with bizarre torso peekaboo?

8) Why does Ashley think that the phrase “everything happens for a reason” is justification for making terrible life decision after terrible life decision after terrible life decision?

9) Why do Tim and the other doooods think it’s such a groaner that Ryan kept a journal during his Bachelorette experience? Yeah, his extensive research and “pages and pages” of notes were a little disconcerting at best, but when did it become un-manly to put one’s thoughts down on paper?

10) Who the hell are “Chris D” and “Matt,” and how did they wind up on the soundstage with Ryan, Ames, Constantine, and the other bachelors?

Bonus convo with my hubby when Michelle Money stepped into the hot seat:

Hubby: “She was the bitchy one last season, right?”
Me: “Yes.”
Hubby: (Taking swig of gin) “Why do I know this? WHY? I am appalled with myself.”

What did you think of the “Men Tell All” episode? Were there any additional questions you wish had been asked? Sound off below, and for all my reality recaps, follow me on Twitter @MichaelSlezakTV!

Comments are monitored, so don’t go off topic, don’t frakkin’ curse and don’t bore us with how much your coworker’s sister-in-law makes per hour. Talk smart about TV!

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17 Comments
  1. Mal says:

    Love the hubby’s comments. That’s how I feel every week when I tune in. I keep hoping they’ll pick a Bachelor/Bachelorette I don’t care enough about to watch (and they have a couple times!) and yet I still am like, “Oh, I’ll just check out the first episode” and then I’m sucked into the evil, highly manufactured and edited Bachelor/Bachelorette/Pad world that I loathe.

    • Yo says:

      The Bachelorette is a nice fashion travelogue; there is no excuse whatsoever for watching, much less participating in, the goings on at the Bachelor Pad. Ames. Dood. Are you crazy? This little adventure will ruin you forever!

  2. daisyj says:

    Okay, so I know this show has less in common with normal, healthy relationships than with, say, the International Pétanque Championships, but I just have to say: If you find yourself in a situation where you have developed warm and potentially powerful feelings for a person who not only is not interested in you, but freely admits that he doesn’t like you at all, perhaps this is not a situation in which you should continue seeking a long-term relationship. Because, if your judgment is so faulty that you cannot pick out a professional doucheherd, what chance do you think you have of telling if any guy is not quite right for you?

    Also, your husband is awesome, and I think you should buy him something nice to make up for his suffering: http://www.distillery209.com/gin/

    • Mrs. Toad says:

      Nailed it. There should be BETTER RULES implemented by the Producers to protect and provide all the information the Bachelor/Bachelorette needs in order to make a more educated decision when trying to find a partner for life – come on now – all ANYONE WANTS is for someone to CONNECT with in a true, real manner. Shame on ABC! Shame on Chris Harrison. I could tell by his face and body language how uncomfortable he becomes. He has had what appeared to be genuine interest in helping the Bachelor/Bachelorette in this journey. Snap out of it! Not entertaining. We don’t want to feel sorry for someone – we want to feel hope, happiness, blah, blah blah. It is JUST not nice to allow ANY one to be this humiliated in the manner at any time – and in which Ashley’s story unfolded. Ashley is just as much as real life person with real life everything for everyone else to attack her in the way they have. Anyhoo thank God for awesome husbands! And, of course, I have watched every episode going back to Season 2 for me! Hope someone listens! Keep on commenting!

      • tripoli says:

        Only one rule needed. Don’t go on reality TV and expect to fall in love in a matter of 6 weeks, during which you spend very little time with any potential mate. And Ashley was warned about Bentley numerous times. She chose to ignore that. Here’s hoping JP smartens up and realizes he can do so much better.
        Oh and if you don’t want to see some poor, pathetic girl get humiliated on national TV, don’t watch the show. If the audience disappears, so will the show.

  3. Lindy says:

    Loved your hubby’s comment! I was wondering why Chris didn’t discuss with Mickey about his decision to EXIT during the episode when the bachelors were upset with Ashley revealing that she had fallen for Bentley, etc. Did he regret that move? or stick by it? Also, he didn’t discuss Constantine’s exit. A good question would have been, “Did you know before your all expense paid trip to Fiji that Ashley wasn’t the one for you?”

  4. Samantha says:

    They didn’t discuss anything at all! This “tell all” was so boring!

  5. lucy says:

    you and hubby must have the best dinner parties!

  6. betsy says:

    I’m so glad I missed it – your “recap” is a much better use of my time and tells me all I need to know! thanks!

  7. jef says:

    Doucheistan! Michael, you slay me. :) The question I would have like answered: why was Michelle in touch with Bentley’s ex?

  8. MK204 says:

    Michael…I think the answer to your question about why these guys went back to Bachelor Pad 2 may be the $20,000 salary they’re offered to try to win a half mil. At least that’s what I heard they get paid.

    I said it last week and I’ll say it again. I like Constantine. But Ben is 100 times hotter. However, I’d prefer seeing either of them as the next Bachelor rather than Ryan whom I think it may be.

    Ashley does not know how to dress. Honestly I think she could get less tacky outfits anywhere. Has she never heard of Bloomingdale’s?

    Love Doucheistan. Yes. That’s where many Bachelor people live. And of all the people to bring back to Bachelor Pad…Rated R, Kasey and Michelle. Add that to Gia (I’m so over her), Jake and Vienna…and this is a time bomb waiting to explode.

    I don’t get why producers seem to think that if we hated these people then we might enjoy watching their balony now.

    The only one I think I like on the show is Jackie, from Brad’s season. But she’s nice so she won’t last long. But I hear…and I won’t tell…she’s dating someone on that show.

    It’s a match I can’t see in a lifetime, but oh well. Love is blind so they say.

    And yes that whole whiney thing about Ashley not knowing about Bentley…come on…they could have let her know (Chris and producers) any time. That was not cool.

    Yet no one challenged them about that. Veddy interesting.

  9. AimesFan says:

    Michael, I agree with your dismay regarding Aimes making his decent into the grusome Bachelor Bad. I hope the guy dosen’t get eaten alive like bait in a pool of sharks

    I guess we now live in a time when even high brow Harvard Grads like Aimes go Jersey Shore on us.

    I wanted Aimes to be the next bachelor

  10. Sarah says:

    The reason they didn’t tell Ashley about Bentley is because they DON’T CARE. The producers have no interest in helping people “find love” if they did then the history of couples would not be what it is. So far only 2 couples have gotten married and one of them married the runner up. All they want is drama and high ratings. But saying that I still watch. Everyone loves a train wreck.

  11. Yo says:

    Ah, the annual stud-puppy show. I always think all of these guys look alike, so I have no idea who the Chris and Matt people are. Ben and Constantine were particularly confusing: Constantine was the guy with the more entertaining (though lace-riddled) family; Ben was all WASE (White Anglo-Saxon Episcopalian), but had the best livelihood.

  12. Amy says:

    Other questions that should have been asked.

    Why did you come on this show to begin with?
    Constantine, when did you really want to leave, episode 3?
    Ryan, was all of your “reading” in preparation for Ashley or to be the next bachelor?
    Chris Harrison, why do you say the same things on MTA?
    What was the house cleaned with before and after Bachelor Pad?
    What is the real deal on the final 2 from the guy’s perspective?

  13. Kelly says:

    Michael, I enjoy your recaps a thousand times more than the actual show. How I wish I could watch Bachelor Pad with you, your hubby, and many cocktails…if we took a drink for every time someone cried on that show, we’d be in the right frame of mind to actually watch it! And seriously…if I ever run into Ashley on the streets of NYC…I am going to kidnap that poor girl and teach her how to dress. All of her loose, tie-dyed tank tops, cut-off shorts, and (as you so succinctly put it) dresses from “Frederick’s of Hollywood Hell” (which I’m going to bet come from her local mall’s DEB store or something super classy like the Dress Barn) are going in the nearest dumpster, as this is not summer camp or the junior prom. But I digress…
    Anyway, thank you so much for your recaps…they keep me smiling ;)

  14. Goat Girl says:

    LOL my boyfriend says the same things your husband does. Sunday night, he was switching beteen the Red Sox and this, and at one point he looked at me and said, “what is wrong with this picture?”. Totally boring MTA. LOVE Ryan P. Ames yuck. This season; sad, pathetic and sometimes painful to watch.

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