Big Brother Recap: 5 Changes We Want To See!

Argh. Another week, another Big Brother elimination that only a vengeful pessimist could love. Happy summer viewing, everyone! BB‘s 13th season concluded its grueling “Golden Key” era last night, meaning the forced partnerships are over and now the same pair-ups can linger for another two months. Oh, joy. Oh, Brenchal. Oh, this dictatorship of dunces. [Spoilers ahead….]

After an episode of remarkable hissy fits from Daniele (whom Shelly outed to the other veterans as a defector), Kalia (whom Jeff rightfully called a two-timer), and Brendon (who needs to understand that it’s everybody’s unalienable right to call Rachel stupid), Dominic was eliminated from the Big Brother house in a 7-1 vote. The vets had caught onto his back-dooring scheme, thanks to Shelly, and sniffed out his plan to rally the straggling newbies. Dom also called a bunch of players “spineless jellyfish” in his plea speech, which Zoobooks readers will find redundant.

I’m disappointed in this week’s elimination for important reasons:
• Dominic was not face-meltingly dumb. Porsche, my skin drips like a Dali timepiece when you speak.
• Though he was a transparent flake, Dominic remained a dynamic player with potential for effectiveness in the house. I’ll miss that nerve.
• Adam is annoying, and I’d rather he go. Sorry, but Big Brother is more theater than war, and I’d rather watch a winsome loudmouth like Dominic over a milquetoast survivor like Adam.

That’s that. Before we zoom into the Top 10 with little to expect except “more twists” (as Julie “REMEMBER THAT WHITE-PINK PANTSUIT? I DO” Chen put it), it’s time we verbalized our hopes for the rest of the game. Here are our five pipe dreams:

More control from Shelly | She avoided the melees this episode, but Shelly is wholly responsible for Dominic’s defeat. That’s notable. With the proper marionette work, she could force out a few more amateurs. Kalia? I’m looking at you and your “grown-ass” lameness.

Daniele still succeeds in backdooring Jeff and Jordan | The “confrontation” at the top of Thursday’s episode outed Daniele as a rebel. To that I say, “So what?” Yes, Jeff, you’re right — Daniele conspired against you. But your impetuous accusation doesn’t make your position any more desirable. Kill him, Daniele!

Lawon, Kalia, Adam, Porsche, Daniele, and Shelly band together | I’m still baffled by the losing numbers game that the veterans are pretending to win. At this point, the remaining loners could single out the power-hungry, HOH-magnetic couples, waste them, and earn a far greater chance at victory. I want to see Shelly smirk like an Old West gambler at those veteran varmints before shooting ’em up.

Brenchal anarchy | Imagine if Brendon and Rachel reached a diplomatic agreement about their courtship, decided their alliance wouldn’t serve them in the Big Brother house, and opted to align with other players. Wouldn’t you die? Wouldn’t you fold yourself up in a trundle bed and die? You’d just die. You’d die in the trundle bed, honey. I just think a Jeff-Shelly power duo and a Rachel-Adam super-secret alliance would be plenty more thrilling. Actually, mindblowing. I want my medulla oblongata dangling from the chandelier, thanks.

Lawon wins HOH | Though Julie Chen threw to credits before we could see the results of the “Big Brother slalom” match, the live feeds tell us the new HOH is a fun surprise. Unfortunately, Lawon hasn’t won HOH yet, and can you imagine if he did? He’d rooster-dance up and down the fake lawn like Sly Stone. I don’t care if he’s the most inconsequential player in the game; I want to see Lawon la-werk. Clap, jive, and boogie ’til dawn, Mr. Leisure Suit!

What did you think of the elimination? You miss Dominic already? Are you happy about the new HOH? Are Brenchal and Jorff our victory quad? Hit me up in the comments, find me regularly at, or follow me on Twitter at @louisvirtel!

Comments are monitored, so don’t go off topic, don’t frakkin’ curse and don’t bore us with how much your coworker’s sister-in-law makes per hour. Talk smart about TV!

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  1. Laurel says:

    It’s gonna be a loooong week.
    Rachel is going to be one hot mess this week with Danielle in power.

    • darclyte says:

      Although I already knew the outcome, spoiling like that without any warning, especially with the first comment, is considered rude.

      • Duh says:

        Then don’t read articles with the notation “SPOILERS AHEAD ” in it…
        Because there are probably going to be Spoilers ahead !

        • darclyte says:

          As I wrote, I already knew the outcome so I wasn’t “spoiled,” but the fact remains that it’s considered rude to do that. Besides “spoilers ahead” in the article doesn’t necessarily mean in the comments (Louis should have specified if it did.)

          • Duh says:

            Spoilers ahead means just what it says THERE ARE SPOILERS AHEAD!
            There is no specificity required,it covers the entire page.

            If you don’t want to know what happened on BB then DON’T continue reading but if you do then DON’T WHINE because there are Spoilers.
            There was a warning at the top of the page.

        • MB says:

          The “Spoilers Ahead” warning was referring to spoilers from this episode, not Sundays episode. Use some common sense.

          • timshel says:

            Exactly. Talking about an outcome that many viewers will not see until Sunday is in poor form. And speak for yourself, terrible writer of this article. Your 5 changes suck. Dominic was terrible, deserved the boot. Still rooting for Jeff and Jordan.

  2. Paco says:

    i dont know why but I died at the medulla oblongata comment

  3. darclyte says:

    The Regulators are the worst.BBgroup.ever. First 3 evictions sent 3 of their 4 members out the door. Unbelievable.

    I loved how Dom threw himself under the bus with his final statement.

    I laughed at Jeff’s Kazoo from the Flintstones comment.

    I appreciated Dom laughing at Jordan imitating Rachel with her goodbye message.

    Porsche again proved how dumb she is by telling the HGs how she said, “This jellyfish votes to evict Dom,” BEFORE Dom had even left! Remember, when told that a celebrity would be coming to the house she guessed Michael Jackson. What a maroon.

    This should be an interesting week.

  4. Sivat says:

    Rachel’s name ends with “el”. Therefore, “Brenchel” also ends with “el”, not “al”. Jesus H. Christ!

  5. Sivat says:

    And wtf are you smoking, Louis? Daniele didn’t throw a hissy fit. You’re thinking of Jeff and Brendon.

  6. DrewH says:

    It’s a shame but as of last night I am fresh out of reasons to care. I wouldn’t mind if Daniele won but I don’t like anyone else left in the house now. Oh, well.

    Not to beat a dead horse but bringing vets into a game with newbies has been wholly uninteresting.

    • Heather says:

      I agree. It either should have been all vets or some vets, but they had to pair up with Newbies so there would be a mix.

      • Lisa says:

        You’re right. Pairing up the newbies with the vets (and the accompanying splitting up of the vet couples) would have made it much more interesting!

  7. Jay says:

    Cassi and Dominic were my two favorites from the beginning- yeah, about that . . . Now I hope Daniele can rally up the troops and take out B/R and J/J. I hate that they brought back veterans- past players should only play in the All-Stars season. The veterans are all so condescending to the newbies, except (shockingly) for Daniele, who I hated in S8 (probably because of Evel Dickhead) but am rooting for this season. The remaining newbies kind of suck- Kalia, Lawon, and Porsche are useless, Shelly is two-faced, and I forgot there was even a HouseGuest named Adam this season. For me, right now, Daniele is the only one worth rooting for. If she goes, I’m probably done with the season. I wish they had done an all-new cast this time around.

  8. Sean says:

    New Big Brother drinking game: take a drink anytime anyone says “100%.” Take two drinks anytime anyone gives a percentage above 100%. Also, take a drink anytime Brendon mentions “rocket science.”

    Check out my recap for tonight’s episode:

    “Spineless Jellyfish, A House Meeting From Hell, And The Live Eviction”

    Or you can just click my name.

  9. Justin says:

    Kalia and her lameness? I agree she was lame up until last night’s episode, but after last night I have much respect for her. And all the newbies will never ever ever ban together. They just won’t because of stupid people like Porsche believing she’s on their side and Shelly believing she’s buds with Jeff and Jordan. Plus they’re all stupid. That will never happen.

  10. JB Smoove says:

    Dang man. Jeff and Brendon, especially Brendon, are the absolute biggest crybaby bitches I have ever seen when they lose. How could America have loved Jeff so much two years ago? Is it because he was kind to a mental midget (Jordan)?

    My apologies to crybabies, bitches and mental midgets.

  11. M360 says:

    What I find funny is all the complaining about bb/jj, but “you” people voted for them to come back into the game. I didn’t vote for returning couples so I can’t complain about them being there either. I only wanted to see ED drive some people to their knees. The game would be totally different than what we’re watching if he had stayed.

  12. olive says:

    Danielle needs to go I hope that she does not win the hoh competition.rooting for jeff and jordan