Big Brother Recap: 5 Changes We Want To See!

Argh. Another week, another Big Brother elimination that only a vengeful pessimist could love. Happy summer viewing, everyone! BB‘s 13th season concluded its grueling “Golden Key” era last night, meaning the forced partnerships are over and now the same pair-ups can linger for another two months. Oh, joy. Oh, Brenchal. Oh, this dictatorship of dunces. [Spoilers ahead….]

After an episode of remarkable hissy fits from Daniele (whom Shelly outed to the other veterans as a defector), Kalia (whom Jeff rightfully called a two-timer), and Brendon (who needs to understand that it’s everybody’s unalienable right to call Rachel stupid), Dominic was eliminated from the Big Brother house in a 7-1 vote. The vets had caught onto his back-dooring scheme, thanks to Shelly, and sniffed out his plan to rally the straggling newbies. Dom also called a bunch of players “spineless jellyfish” in his plea speech, which Zoobooks readers will find redundant.

I’m disappointed in this week’s elimination for important reasons:
• Dominic was not face-meltingly dumb. Porsche, my skin drips like a Dali timepiece when you speak.
• Though he was a transparent flake, Dominic remained a dynamic player with potential for effectiveness in the house. I’ll miss that nerve.
• Adam is annoying, and I’d rather he go. Sorry, but Big Brother is more theater than war, and I’d rather watch a winsome loudmouth like Dominic over a milquetoast survivor like Adam.

That’s that. Before we zoom into the Top 10 with little to expect except “more twists” (as Julie “REMEMBER THAT WHITE-PINK PANTSUIT? I DO” Chen put it), it’s time we verbalized our hopes for the rest of the game. Here are our five pipe dreams:

More control from Shelly | She avoided the melees this episode, but Shelly is wholly responsible for Dominic’s defeat. That’s notable. With the proper marionette work, she could force out a few more amateurs. Kalia? I’m looking at you and your “grown-ass” lameness.

Daniele still succeeds in backdooring Jeff and Jordan | The “confrontation” at the top of Thursday’s episode outed Daniele as a rebel. To that I say, “So what?” Yes, Jeff, you’re right — Daniele conspired against you. But your impetuous accusation doesn’t make your position any more desirable. Kill him, Daniele!

Lawon, Kalia, Adam, Porsche, Daniele, and Shelly band together | I’m still baffled by the losing numbers game that the veterans are pretending to win. At this point, the remaining loners could single out the power-hungry, HOH-magnetic couples, waste them, and earn a far greater chance at victory. I want to see Shelly smirk like an Old West gambler at those veteran varmints before shooting ’em up.

Brenchal anarchy | Imagine if Brendon and Rachel reached a diplomatic agreement about their courtship, decided their alliance wouldn’t serve them in the Big Brother house, and opted to align with other players. Wouldn’t you die? Wouldn’t you fold yourself up in a trundle bed and die? You’d just die. You’d die in the trundle bed, honey. I just think a Jeff-Shelly power duo and a Rachel-Adam super-secret alliance would be plenty more thrilling. Actually, mindblowing. I want my medulla oblongata dangling from the chandelier, thanks.

Lawon wins HOH | Though Julie Chen threw to credits before we could see the results of the “Big Brother slalom” match, the live feeds tell us the new HOH is a fun surprise. Unfortunately, Lawon hasn’t won HOH yet, and can you imagine if he did? He’d rooster-dance up and down the fake lawn like Sly Stone. I don’t care if he’s the most inconsequential player in the game; I want to see Lawon la-werk. Clap, jive, and boogie ’til dawn, Mr. Leisure Suit!

What did you think of the elimination? You miss Dominic already? Are you happy about the new HOH? Are Brenchal and Jorff our victory quad? Hit me up in the comments, find me regularly at Movieline.com, or follow me on Twitter at @louisvirtel!