Big Brother Recap: Braywatch

Think for a moment about the screen-time Rachel hogged on Sunday night’s Big Brother. It was a hearty amount, right? Right. Now: Can you think of a single thing that Rachel, our braying Bray-WOWW, said? You probably can’t, because Rachel is the Big Brother equivalent of Flipper. She’s the loudest squealer and the star, but she leaves most of the intelligence to her human costars. She claps and leaps during HOH challenges and uses a sixth sense (echolocation) to stay ahead in the game, but it’s time for the newbies to stop throwing her treats.

We begin the episode on a pitiful note. Since Rachel’s taken over HOH again, many of the other houseguests are scrambling. Lawon is shaking in his Batman villain suit and Dominic is quivering in one of the outfits his mother bought him. But when Rachel clambers into the living room begging the others to visit her new HOH room, she’s met with silence. Where are the houseguests? Are they gone? Did they evaporate? Did Rachel invent all of them? Nope — they’re just hiding from her! Aww, guys! Shelly jumps out from behind a door and pelts Rachel with a pillow. They all pelt her with pillows! I got caught up and pelted her with a gun. Everyone’s having a great time.

After Adam caucuses with Rachel and Brendon to discuss their old alliance, the houseguests embark on a Luxury Challenge. This means no Haves and Have-Nots for the week, which means Shelly and Kalia won’t have to eat bowls of charred mash for the 80th day running. The challenge works like this: A mysterious man featured on the new CBS series Same Name appears and tells the houseguests to use clues to guess his name, which he shares with a celebrity. Ooh! Titillating! The roomies love network cross-promotion! Maybe next week cast members from The Young and the Restless can enact a vase fight in the diary room.

The first clue to the Same Name dude’s identity: a tray holding soaps and a pair of fancy binoculars. The 11 players think hard, which nearly kills Porsche. Jordan’s the first to arrive at a guess, as she pieces together “Bay” from the soaps and “watch” from the binoculars to get “Baywatch.”

“Who’s the guy who plays Mitch Buchannon on Baywatch?” Jordan asks Jeff. She is the only person on Earth who remembers the name “Mitch Buchannon” and not “David Hasselhoff.” (I envy that, actually.) She places her guess in the confessional booth and rejoins the game. The next clues include a microphone and a knight holding a lifeguard’s float. Hmmmm. The other houseguests have guesses.

“Michael C. Hall!” says Brendon.
“Michael Jackson!” sputters Porsche.
“Ricky Martin?” says Adam.
“Barbra Streisand!” concludes Lawon.
“Mike Knight!” deduces Brendon. (I guess that’s a retired boxer.)
“Keira Knightley!” brays Bray-WOWW. Slow clap.
“John Stamos!” says Dominic. “Mark Wahlberg!”
“Brian McKnight!” Porsche prattles, her eyes barely focusing like a member of the Manson family.

Lo and behold, we’re put out of our misery and the real David Hasselhoff appears at the front door of the house in a Knight Rider replica car. Yep, our girl Jordan called it in 0.29 seconds. When the houseguests show him around the residence and lead him to the Have-Not asylum room, he quips, “I was here once!” Too true. He confirms that Jordan guessed his name first and allows her to choose three friends to hang out in a designated “luxury space” and watch the premiere episode of Same Name. If the definition of “luxury” is watching a CBS show and enjoying a highball, then I know a few million 76-year-olds who live lavish existences. Much to Rachel’s chagrin, Jordan picks Jeff, Shelly and Kalia for the experience — which is understandable considering those ladies’ past in the Have-Not games.

But of course, Rachel understands nothing. She bawls with Brendon, bemoans Jordan’s awful gameplay, and starts a loud fight with Brendon in her HOH bedroom. The others, like the constantly glowering Daniele, overhear and mock them. And so do I! Here with you. We’re all locked in the Big Brother compound of the internet. Pleased to bray alongside you.

Dominic makes a last-minute appeal to Brendon and Rachel before the nomination ceremony, and while it looks like he’s made an impression by invoking Daniele’s name, Rachel ends up nominating Adam and him anyway. It’s the right move, frankly. Dominic is too good a player to let slide, and Brendon is “risking his [bleeping] Ph.D. to be here”! Rachel can’t risk her fiance’s prestige. It costs as much as the special effects in David Hasselhoff’s video for “Jump In My Car.” Nearly three figures.

What did you think of last night’s episode? Are Brenchal unstoppable? Is Dominic doomed? Is Shelly secretly playing the best game? Does David Hasselhoff need to wear black designer jeans like that? Hit me up in the comments, read me regularly at Movieline.com, and follow me on Twitter at @louisvirtel!

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26 Comments
  1. darclyte says:

    Actually the car was in the backyard, not at the front door.

    Is Jordan some kind of idiot savant? How the heck did she get David Hasselhoff out of soaps and binoculars? I also want to know, who came up with that as a clue?

    I would have gotten it for sure once he walked in with the lifeguard can, because I know he was Michael Knight on Knight Rider.

    Ok, so they’re told that a celebrity is coming to visit them and Porsche guessed Michael Jackson. Think about that for a little bit.

    I wanted to poke sharp objects in my ear when Brenchel was fighting.

    If Brenchel nominates Jeff & Jordan, I just might stop watching. I’m not one of those who threaten to stop watching a series or stops watching when things don’t go the “right way” for my “favs,” and J&J aren’t necessarily my “favs,” but there are just too many other better shows that are worthy of my time than this season of BB and I’m struggling to stay interested this year. If Brenchel backdoors either Jeff or Jordan, I won’t want to watch to listen to Brenchel talk about how great she is…even if it ends up getting her booted the following week.

    • darclyte says:

      Oops, that was supposed to say, “…once the knight walked in with the lifeguard can…”
      D’oh!

    • Captain says:

      She got it because the producers told her the answer. Lets be honest, they’re all too stupid to get even the smallest clue correct. The producers couldn’t have NO ONE get it right, that would defeat the purpose of the publicity stunt…I mean, competition. Plus, Jordan not taking Rachel created drama and was essentially half the episode.

    • ty says:

      I was assuming the glasses where “opera” glasses. I thought the first clue was soap opera, which I guess Baywatch could be classified as. I also thought the clue with the knight carrying the lifeguard float was obvious.

      • Ruth says:

        You were right in figuring it was soap opera but I think they were referring to when the Hoff was on Young and the Restless back in the day…who could forget “Snapper”?…lol

        • ty says:

          I am sure you are right. I am showing my Hoff ignorance. I did not know he was on the Young and the Restless. I am quite embarrassed and will hang my head in shame.

  2. dvmom says:

    OMG, Porsche guessing Michael Jackson was the funniest moment of the show. Just thinking about it is making me laugh again!

  3. Sivat says:

    Annoying though she may be, Rachel is entertaining as hell! I love her pouts and tantrums, and I love how minor things turn into epic fights between her and Brendon. I don’t know what he sees in her. She must have his balls locked up tight somewhere.

    • David says:

      Will take your word for it on Rachel. The 30 second skip is my best friend with this season’s BB.

    • DJ says:

      Like he’s such a prize? He’s emotionally abusive towards her & plays on her massive insecurity. I’m not saying she’s much better, but asking what he sees in her is silly. He sees someone he can easily manipulate.

      • OSCAR says:

        THERE HAS TO BE A screw loose in Brenden. She acts like a baby and he treats her like one. She is not all that. What have they been doing since the last BB?

  4. Tego Livi says:

    Rachel is the human equivalent to fingernails on a chalkboard. She is someone who demands to be the center of attention but has nothing to offer. If she’s like that “in real life,” she’s going to be murdered before she hits age 40.

  5. Sean says:

    Earlier in the season, Brendon went on and on about how Rachel was De-Un-Masculinizing-tizing-ating him, but in my opinion there is nothing more emasculating than when Brendon said “Rachel is the brains in our operation.” Nothing she could ever do would be as insulting as what you just said.

    After you’re done here at TVLine, I hope you’ll check out the rest of my recap at http://sfurfaro.blogspot.com/2011/07/big-brother-recap-rachels-second-reign.html

  6. Sivat says:

    For all you Rachel haters, why do you bother posting? Clearly you’re not watching the season because you hate Rachel so much.

  7. WB Frog says:

    Haven’t watched BB this season except for the first episode and I am glad I haven’t. Hearing Rachel whine and cry every episode would make my ears bleed.

  8. Laurel says:

    It was a pretty boring show last night.
    I felt like I was watching a looooong commercial for David Hasselhoff’s new show which looks kinda lame.

    I think Micheal Jackson rolled over in his grave last night,Thanks to Porsche.
    And Barbra Streisand’s hair caught fire at the mere mention of her soap operas and BB in the same sentence.
    Babs scoffed at Glee and that’s a musical show FFS.

    I hope Brenchel has enough sense to get rid of Dominic this week.
    Because it’s going to be a lot harder to do with him and Danielle as a team when the game goes to individual play Thursday night.

    • Sivat says:

      You’re assuming it goes into individual play. Don’t forget there’s another twist on Thursday.

      • Laurel says:

        BB already told the HG’s on the live feeds that ALL of them would be competing for HOH Thursday night.
        That means that those with the Gold Keys will be competing and they are NOT in teams.
        Hence INDIVIDUAL Game Play…

        BB did say there was a twist and I doubt that BB would of told them that everyone was competing Thursday if THAT was going to be the twist.
        So I’m assuming there is indeed something else.

        • JD says:

          does that include Rachel? usually the currnet HOH doesn’t play, but with the game massively changing Thursday i figure they might actually let her play again. which is great, i would just love to hear her whiny voice ask who wants to see her HOH room AGAIN (sarcasm).

          • Laurel says:

            No it will be everyone but the current HOH .
            I don’t think BB has ever changed that rule.
            At least next week we won’t have to hear Rachel yelling “Who wants to see my HOH room” Ugh !

        • Sivat says:

          Not necessarily. Rumour has it the 10 remaining houseguests will be randomly separated into new pairs.

          • Lisa says:

            There are a lot of “rumors” this week .
            New teams ,Double eviction or HG’s with Gold Keys will be penalized in some way , ETC.

            The only thing that is a certainty is all the House Guests except the current HOH will be playing for HOH on Thursday.

  9. Guy says:

    David Hasselhoff was in the soap opera “Young and the Restless”
    So the clue was a valid one. How Jordan got to the answer…. not so much.

  10. Eva says:

    Don’t be hating on Rachel – if she didn’t keep on winning she wouldn’t be on screen all the time. She may natter on incessantly, but at least she’s never boring like so many others.

  11. airyn says:

    Jordan got the clue because she said that she thought of a brand of soap – which is ‘bay’ and then the glasses meant ‘watch’. But – is there a brand of soap called ‘bay’? I’ve never heard of it. I could see if that was the clue she would be really thinking outside the box….

  12. debbie says:

    i am so sick of Rachel crying and carring on when she doesn’t win something.sunday show really sucked al they showed was her and brendan crying cause they didn’t win.i don’t watch shotime after dark as much any more all they show is rachel and brendon most of the time. who wants to watch them fight on tv. this season is really boring. bb needs to do something to make it more fun to watch.instead we get Rachel crying to brendon that America doesn’t like me. well dugh no wonder no one likes her she is such a Drama Queen. she has not changed from last season.

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