Big Brother Recap: Let's Rank Who's Left!

In case you needed an educational takeaway from Thursday night’s episode of Big Brother, let me enlighten you with a moral: Rachel invents grudges against anyone she pleases, and she’ll fight to the death to defend those grudges. The end. Thanks be to Aesop.

I’m drained from that awful elimination, aren’t you? R.I.P. Cassi, my favorite player in the game, and not just because she looked like a Revlon-airbrushed Lara Croft. She played honestly against middle-school loudmouths like Rachel who pretend to be masterful manipulators but are just benefactors from the stupid veteran alliance. Chuckle a little more, Rachel. You’re toast soon. You can’t miraculously nab HOH every week.

Instead of recapping the episode’s repetitive dramas, including Cassi’s phenomenal confrontation with Rachel and Rachel’s delusional meltdown (“[Cassi] said I hate girls!”), let’s just rank the remaining contenders’ chances of winning. No, wait: Better yet, let’s rank them according to who I (we?) want to win.

11. Rachel
What annoys me about Rachel’s self-touted power in the Big Brother house is not that she’s immature, insane, or grating (though she’s all three of those, natch), but she’s actually not a good player. Yes, for now she benefits from veteran standing and “athletic” prowess in the challenges, but once the Top 10 comes ’round, her silent adversaries will vote her down. You can’t be a great game player if everyone is constantly aware of your gaming. You’re just a moving target who eventually slows down and bawls because someone called you “mean.” You tell ‘er, Cassi.

10. Brendon
If you’re romantically entwined with the creature I call Bray-WOWW, you deserve nothing but a 10th place finish.

9. Lawon
Say what you will about Lawon, the strutting gadabout with the Two-Face suits and vaudevillian expressions, but he’s an intriguingly weird cat for Big Brother. He’s also a mysterious nonentity in terms of gameplay: He hasn’t scared up a relationship with a veteran, and he expects to coast by on the strength of his… what, exactly? He just exists. He’s a leisure-suited cipher waiting to be sniped. Here’s hoping he can strut through the gunfire for a couple weeks.

8. Kalia
Every time I see Kalia on screen, I consciously suppress the urge to scream from remembering when she called herself a Carrie Bradshaw-like writer, as if that’s cool or impressive or tolerable. I appreciate her sly relationships with both camps, but I question her ability to form life-saving relationships in the nick of time. If she survives for more than three weeks, I’d unleash Carrie Bradshaw monologues about on my own disbelief. “I had to wonder — is Kalia the new social genius?”

7. Jeff
Homophobic rants aside, Jeff is not incendiary enough to warrant an early elimination. He’s a competent player who stands to outrank Rachel in the final countdown thanks to his even-keel persona. He’s also not good enough a player to win — but you knew that already.

6. Adam
He may love Beverly Hills 90210 because it makes him seem special, but Adam’s clip package featuring friends at home won me over this week. I guess he’s a Big Brother expert! Who knew? As of Wednesday, I thought he had a major chance of going home. So far, he’s showing up my expectations and my inability to handle scraggly facial hair.

5. Shelly
My associates swear that Shelly has the best game going: She’s benefiting from an alliance with the veterans, a camaraderie with the newbies, and a maternal persona that she pimps constantly, like an old-timey boxing promoter. The fact that the housemates unanimously voted out Cassi is a bit of a feat; Shelly is a well-liked, un-threatening character in the game. She could go places with that combo.

4. Porsche
Funny that Rachel berated Cassi for being a floater when Porsche, the kowtowing newbie who obeys the veterans’ plan, is the true floater. I imagine that blank-faced passivity will serve her well — until the actual game-players pull the plug on her useless place-holding.

3. Jordan
Jordan is easy to enjoy compared to the braying, whining veterans, so I suspect she’ll outlive them by a few rounds. Even Jordan knows, however, that cutesy geniality will not serve her if the amazing house athletes have anything to say.

2. Dominic
Truly the trooper of BB13, Dominic wears his knowledge of the game on his sleeve. I’m looking forward to his unstoppable angst in the future — and an impressive win streak reminiscent of Fabio’s underdog perseverance from Survivor.

1. Daniele
Undoubtedly, Daniele is the most callous player in the game. She morphs from sympathetic housemate to calculating loner within a millisecond, and she’s spending her not-earned grace period deducing who to like and who to vote against. I don’t adore her personality, but I admire her way of keeping all relationships in the house businesslike. Evel Dick would be proud — especially of how well she endears newcomers like Dominic. Thus far, she’s my pick to win.

What do you think? Is Daniele the frontrunner? What about Kalia? Lawon? Rachel? Shelly? Leave it in the comments and read me regularly on Twitter @louisvirtel and at

Comments are monitored, so don’t go off topic, don’t frakkin’ curse and don’t bore us with how much your coworker’s sister-in-law makes per hour. Talk smart about TV!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

  1. Zach says:

    Other then Dominic ranking so high, I completely agree with this list. Just not a huge fan of Dominic and not sure his strategy will work out in the end. Daniele definitely for the win.

    • emily says:

      agreed! Don’t think Dominic can get past his virgin lust for Dani to get far….but who knows with this game! I know Dani is really trying to get Rachel not to put them up.

  2. sean says:

    Dom all the way!

  3. Michael says:

    Rachel is like Coach on Survivor. No chance at winning. At all.

  4. Sivat says:

    Daniele for the win! I hope she kicks the asses of all these pathetic newbies.

    And ding dong, the bitch is gone! So glad Cassi is OUTTA THERE!! Couldn’t stand her! And I’m glad the veterans have kept power for the third week in a row.

    • Cc says:

      Cassi was one of the honest players in the game- really Shelly and Kalia should have gone home. I think the outcomes of HOH, POV would have been different if Keith stayed. Dynamics would be different also. Didn’t <3 Keith, but game would have been interesting As for Cassi, R & B were the condescending jerks, not her ( watch bb after dark)

  5. adsfadsfa says:

    I want either shelly, Danielle, Jordan or jeff to win. I HATE DOMINIC!!!!!!!!!!!!! HE WILL DEF GO HOME THIS WEEK!!!!

    • Sivat says:

      I hope Rachel backdoors his ass. Can’t stand Dominic–yuck!!

      • Roz says:

        What’s to dislike about Dom. He is a mama.s boy first time on his own. likes women and is trying to do his best to stay in the game. He like a kid in a candystore without the owner, his mom,, watching.

        • jonhllywood says:

          I trust that “likes women” means “is kind to women” and is not a passive aggressive slur…
          I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt since no one could be that unenlightened in this day and age, right???

  6. jen says:

    Jordan blew it by not putting up Rachel and Brendon. Rachel needs to go! Biggest baby ever! If it was reversed, she would have put up Jordan in a heartbeat.

  7. Justin says:

    Completely agree as far as everyone’s game play goes. I only wish Cassi was still there. However, I would probably rank Rachel a little higher up on the list. Everything you say here is accurate, but I find myself liking her and even rooting for her sometimes. Also loving Dominic and Daniele.

    • Captain says:

      That doesn’t make her game any less pitiful. She made herself a target from Day 1 and has done everything she possibly can to make people want her out. Worst. Contestant. Ever.

  8. Captain says:

    Completely agree with everything said about Rachel. I’m not sure if I love Daniele’s gameplay or not. She definitely irritates me and she was the ultimate floater in her season so it’s nice that she’s–you know–actually playing the game this time around instead of letting people fight for her to stay but I don’t think she’s done enough yet to warrant the number 1 spot. Cassi was my pick to win it all though so I guess I’m not the best judge of contestants.

  9. JD says:

    I also like Daniele for the win…but if by making Dominic #2 you are implying that he would be in the finals with her, I think you’re mistaken. If Daniele wins the final HOH and gets to have her pick, she knows better than that. Her best bet is to bring Jordan to the final 2…she’s the only one in there that has won more money from her previous stint on BB than Daniele did. The Jury isn’t going to want to hand Jordan another $500k. And i think Daniele is smart enough to figure that out.

  10. Tobi says:

    I still love Jeff, and I think he has a much greater chance of winning than people are giving him. I love that he stands up to that gnat Rachel!

  11. Roz says:

    Rachael and Brandon out!!!! Than KAILA, I dont care for Shelly, she is a real phoney. What she did to Cassi and lied sent cassi home. If she voted right, the vets would be out one by one. I think Dom is a player, young, but he knew to grab on to Dani as soon as Cassi started going down. The nicest one is really Jordan, I find Dani very anti social. She doesn’t show a real person, just an act at all times. With Dick as a father, who could expect anymore. Porsha is a piece of furniture that does whatever Rach says. She doesn’t deserve to stay. She is like a puppy dog following Rach. I wonder what she really thinks.

  12. Garrett says:

    Jordan FTW!!!! I wish I could just put Jeff’s “homophobic rant aside” in my mind, but I can’t. It was really disappointing, but I still love my Jordan!

  13. Christina says:

    Not too bad a list. Rachel is by far the worst player. There’s nothing subtle to her. She does nothing but piss off her fellows houseguest. The sooner she leaves the better.

    So the pairs will be breaking up next week. Can we expect any other twists, like maybe a player coming back? They’re sequestering the who gets eliminated again. And since they lost Dick they have room to bring someone back.

  14. Jen says:

    Am I the only one who is getting tired of people mentioning Jeff’s homophobic rant? Has anyone actually watched the footage of the conversation or the follow up conversation that occurred later? He was saying it shouldn’t be mentioned in a CHILDREN’s/TEEN book.

    From what I understand, Jeff was saying: Why bring anything that deep up in a book for that audience?

    That series of novels is a cultural phenomenon. Bringing sexuality into that storyline exposes a lot of kids to something they should discuss with parents/teachers. It’s almost forcing the discussion. While discussion is good, it shouldn’t be forced to occur before the kids are emotionally ready. The convo has to occur so that the kids know homosexuality is OK, but, again, not be forced upon them.

    (As an aside, how does his homosexuality even fit in the storyline?)

    Furthermore, it’s a GAME. A game where you are trying to make people believe things are what they aren’t, as well as to play mind games with every single entity in that house. You try to push buttons, you try to get in the minds of the other housemates. A perfect example of this is Russell from the first time Jeff & Jordan were on the show. His whole jerk attitude was an act. He said/did things to manipulate his opponents. Conversely, in Jeff’s case, what better way to set off the resident macho hot head than by pushing his buttons by saying things you know will upset them? Good Big Brother strategy, but bad real-world PR.

    Don’t get me wrong, Jeff should know that he is on national TV and that anything said will be up for public debate and subject to the rampant rumor mill, so he will have to deal with any fallout. However, shame on CBS for worrying more about the publicity a scandal would generate as opposed to actually getting the truth out for the public to discern themselves.

    I don’t mean to make anyone mad, truly. I love all people, gay/straight, white/black/green/purple I’m just riffing here because I wonder if anyone else sees what I am seeing.

    • jonhllywd says:

      Before launching a rant, it is advisable to educate one’s self on the subject of one’s rant.
      The sexuality of Dumbledore was never described or even indicated in any explicit manner in the extended story of Harry Potter. JK Rowling mentioned she believed he was homosexual in an interview after the last book was published. I do believe that is her prerogative.
      Trying to avoid ranting as well – I hope my point has been made.

      • Jen says:

        Seriously, relax. I do know that it wasn’t mentioned in the book – I don’t know if I explained that well or at all in my post – or if that was even necessary. I was simply addressing the conversation. If my “(As an aside, how does his homosexuality even fit in the storyline?)” is what’s confusing, that’s my fault, I should have said “How would”.

        Additionally – in the future, please try to eliminate the snark from your posts. Not everyone posting comments is a horrible human being.

        • jonhllywd says:

          I’m sorry if I implied you (or anyone for that matter) is a horrible human being. It truly was not my intention.
          While I stand by my former post, I appreciate you clarifying your former post.
          I get your point, I hope in some way, you get mine.

          best –

    • mark says:

      Jen, your rant is homophobic, regardless of your stating that you love gay people. Heterosexuality is pushed down children’s (everyone’s)throats at birth and forward on. It’s is naive to think that children do not have sexual identities, therefore it is important to illustrate healthy, normal, different sexualities. Dumbledore is a great example of a positive role model for the queer community. He is a trusted, intelligent, kind, talented, and compassionate person who was not defined by his sexuality. Jeff is a homophobe, and his rant was disgusting. You defending him is sickening.

  15. topsyturvy says:

    Wonder if we’ll see Cassi and Shelley on THE AMAZING RACE?

    God, Rachel is all kinds of annoying and Brendon is Super Douche.

  16. Jacqi says:

    I am hoping Shelly, Porsche, Jeff or Jordan win. Although I did like Rachel/Brendon last year, they just do not compare to Jeff/Jordan. Jeff/Jordan know how to play the game and unlike Rachel they usually don’t let their emotions run the game. I have never liked Dani and I certainly don’t like Dom.

  17. Sivat says:

    All the people who hate on Rachel are just jealous girls. It’s sad really.

  18. SivatTheClueless says:

    Jealous of WHAT??!! An idiotic ego? A pervert for a fiance? Rachel and her “fans {joke}” are completely clueless.

  19. em says:

    I kind of like Rachel this season. Not more than Daniele or Dominic, but at least she’s headstrong and competitive. Which is more than I can say for half of the household right now.

  20. olive says:

    Jeff and jordan best so far it was a good game plan to leave rachel in the game much to soon to send her out

  21. Evelyn says:

    Other than Jordan at#3, I like this list. Once again, Rachel’s personality will be her downfall. I thought she had a legit chance at winning last year if it hadn’t been for her personality. Her nominations week one were solid and I thought she was on the road to redemption, but she hasn’t changed. We saw that this week with her crying, cattiness, and drive to eliminate Cassi when there are stronger players in the game. For now, you’re right about Danielle. She’s playing it right by forming relationships with the house guests and she comes off as less threatening than she is.