Big Brother Recap: Let's Rank Who's Left!

In case you needed an educational takeaway from Thursday night’s episode of Big Brother, let me enlighten you with a moral: Rachel invents grudges against anyone she pleases, and she’ll fight to the death to defend those grudges. The end. Thanks be to Aesop.

I’m drained from that awful elimination, aren’t you? R.I.P. Cassi, my favorite player in the game, and not just because she looked like a Revlon-airbrushed Lara Croft. She played honestly against middle-school loudmouths like Rachel who pretend to be masterful manipulators but are just benefactors from the stupid veteran alliance. Chuckle a little more, Rachel. You’re toast soon. You can’t miraculously nab HOH every week.

Instead of recapping the episode’s repetitive dramas, including Cassi’s phenomenal confrontation with Rachel and Rachel’s delusional meltdown (“[Cassi] said I hate girls!”), let’s just rank the remaining contenders’ chances of winning. No, wait: Better yet, let’s rank them according to who I (we?) want to win.

11. Rachel
What annoys me about Rachel’s self-touted power in the Big Brother house is not that she’s immature, insane, or grating (though she’s all three of those, natch), but she’s actually not a good player. Yes, for now she benefits from veteran standing and “athletic” prowess in the challenges, but once the Top 10 comes ’round, her silent adversaries will vote her down. You can’t be a great game player if everyone is constantly aware of your gaming. You’re just a moving target who eventually slows down and bawls because someone called you “mean.” You tell ‘er, Cassi.

10. Brendon
If you’re romantically entwined with the creature I call Bray-WOWW, you deserve nothing but a 10th place finish.

9. Lawon
Say what you will about Lawon, the strutting gadabout with the Two-Face suits and vaudevillian expressions, but he’s an intriguingly weird cat for Big Brother. He’s also a mysterious nonentity in terms of gameplay: He hasn’t scared up a relationship with a veteran, and he expects to coast by on the strength of his… what, exactly? He just exists. He’s a leisure-suited cipher waiting to be sniped. Here’s hoping he can strut through the gunfire for a couple weeks.

8. Kalia
Every time I see Kalia on screen, I consciously suppress the urge to scream from remembering when she called herself a Carrie Bradshaw-like writer, as if that’s cool or impressive or tolerable. I appreciate her sly relationships with both camps, but I question her ability to form life-saving relationships in the nick of time. If she survives for more than three weeks, I’d unleash Carrie Bradshaw monologues about on my own disbelief. “I had to wonder — is Kalia the new social genius?”

7. Jeff
Homophobic rants aside, Jeff is not incendiary enough to warrant an early elimination. He’s a competent player who stands to outrank Rachel in the final countdown thanks to his even-keel persona. He’s also not good enough a player to win — but you knew that already.

6. Adam
He may love Beverly Hills 90210 because it makes him seem special, but Adam’s clip package featuring friends at home won me over this week. I guess he’s a Big Brother expert! Who knew? As of Wednesday, I thought he had a major chance of going home. So far, he’s showing up my expectations and my inability to handle scraggly facial hair.

5. Shelly
My associates swear that Shelly has the best game going: She’s benefiting from an alliance with the veterans, a camaraderie with the newbies, and a maternal persona that she pimps constantly, like an old-timey boxing promoter. The fact that the housemates unanimously voted out Cassi is a bit of a feat; Shelly is a well-liked, un-threatening character in the game. She could go places with that combo.

4. Porsche
Funny that Rachel berated Cassi for being a floater when Porsche, the kowtowing newbie who obeys the veterans’ plan, is the true floater. I imagine that blank-faced passivity will serve her well — until the actual game-players pull the plug on her useless place-holding.

3. Jordan
Jordan is easy to enjoy compared to the braying, whining veterans, so I suspect she’ll outlive them by a few rounds. Even Jordan knows, however, that cutesy geniality will not serve her if the amazing house athletes have anything to say.

2. Dominic
Truly the trooper of BB13, Dominic wears his knowledge of the game on his sleeve. I’m looking forward to his unstoppable angst in the future — and an impressive win streak reminiscent of Fabio’s underdog perseverance from Survivor.

1. Daniele
Undoubtedly, Daniele is the most callous player in the game. She morphs from sympathetic housemate to calculating loner within a millisecond, and she’s spending her not-earned grace period deducing who to like and who to vote against. I don’t adore her personality, but I admire her way of keeping all relationships in the house businesslike. Evel Dick would be proud — especially of how well she endears newcomers like Dominic. Thus far, she’s my pick to win.

What do you think? Is Daniele the frontrunner? What about Kalia? Lawon? Rachel? Shelly? Leave it in the comments and read me regularly on Twitter @louisvirtel and at Movieline.com.