Big Brother Recap: Sycophants Go Marching

A lame rhythm has taken over the Big Brother house: The veterans call the shots, the newbies inexplicably cave, and Shelly, whose face and hair might be the same shade of ABBA-lipstick-beige, smirks at the camera with her ranchero sidemouth. This doesn’t mean the whole competition is mapped to completion, but until the Golden Key weeks end, we’re staring down the barrel of a vet-run contest. Find your Brenchal beercuzzi and drink it in!

Starting at the top of last night’s show, the newbies gawk at Keith’s eviction and gather in the loser asylum to talk out their fake feelings. Shelly defected, Kalia defected, and the others can’t figure out their deception, even after Kalia assumes out loud, “I think [the veterans] approached everybody!” They sure didn’t, Kalia. Just the malleable ones like you! Lawon glowers.

Porsche, the Golden Key-acquiring survivor in this mess, taunts us in the diary room with her petty victory. Rachel approaches her afterwards, tells her that Cassi said, “Some of us don’t like Porsche” (which she did, to be fair) and for some reason, Porsche takes that obvious manipulation to mean Rachel’s loyalty is pure and trustworthy. This is why I think we should stop calling Porsche “Porsche” and demote her to “Car.”

“Cassi started this ‘We Hate Porsche’ club that she’s the only member of!” Car clamored to us. Leave it to Car to analyze her enemies at a Little Rascals maturity level. Cassi’s He-Man-Woman-Hater bullying is no match for this contender.

Now, Dominic, who’s smart enough to know the veterans will gun for him next, needs a plan. Should he break from his partnership with Adam and align himself with Jeff and Jordan? Brendon and The Demasculator (Rachel)? God and the slop bucket? Nope. Instead he picks Daniele, who is kind enough to flirt with him in the hammock like the Nerf-cheeked serpent she is. To my surprise, Daniele seems ready to help out Dominic to a certain degree, though she makes no promise to stick her neck out (serpent-style) in his defense. Still, they canoodle. She works some predictable hetero-flirt material into the conversation. The “‘You’re a jerk!’ + shoulder jab” move occurs. He accepts. They don’t have sex in front of us, but some sort of pseudo-fake-punch-shoulder bond is formed, and it means something for right now. Soon, Dominic will continue buttering up the veterans in the yard, dancing manically alongside dunderheaded Brendon like a Sim at an out-of-control barbecue. If I’ve learned one thing from The Sims, it’s this: It takes longer to end a barbecue than it does to drown your neighbors in the pool. Here’s hoping the veterans understand and put Dominic out of his misery.

This leaves Cassi, who we quickly find is the only player to really root for. Her foot-long eyebrows jut and dip like exotic calligraphy, and her monotone accent packs Hailee Steinfeld grit. She’s like a more backwoods Adrienne Curry! Which I think is lovable, but I adore unamused ladies as a rule. She’s a noticeable threat to Rachel and the veterans, who decide they’ll have to address her adversarial angst, but for now she remains a staunch opponent.

In the Have/Have-Not competition, HOH Jordan toddles out dressed like a giant B-movie ant. She orders the remaining duos (not including Daniele or Porsche, who have Golden Keys, and her own partner Jeff) to don uncomfortable two-person ant costumes for the race. The duos will be crawling atop themselves through a Double Dare-esque course of giant sandwiches, condiments, and picnic essentials. I’d hate to disrupt all this Marc Summers-ian joy, but the end result is just too predictable to draw out any further: Brenchal wins — hard. Adam and Dominic come in second, Cassi and Shelly snarl in third, and Lawon and Kalia, who acts so injured in the tunnel of condiments that I wonder if she’s broken all 206 bones, come in dead last. Aw, Kalia. Sometimes when she’s not comparing herself to Carrie Bradshaw, I admire her vague intelligence. She’s still a pawn to the Brenchalliance, but she might be able to do her own taxes. Refreshing.

“Drama,” Shelly says of Kalia’s screamy pain. “Save it for your mama. But not this mama.” Shelly would make a fine American Gladiators contestant in 1991. She has that construction-worker-from-Santa-Monica charm that I respect in a lady jouster. She probably doesn’t have the wits to win Big Brother, but we can’t all possess the casual superiority of the braying Rachel or the bunny-faced serpent Daniele.

Before we close up, Brenchal picks the week’s Have-Nots: Dominic and Adam, Shelly and Cassi. That’s two weeks running for those ladies, who can’t subsist on slop, jerky, and cold showers for long. Unless they’re as Ford Tough as they act — in which case, never mind, maybe they’ve known nothing else their entire lives. Someone, please write a short story about this.

And finally, in a nomination ceremony that surprises no one, Jordan nominates Dominic and Adam. It looks like Dominic, the obvious ringleader of the hapless amateurs, is sure to go. But perhaps I’m being presumptuous: What do you think? Is it possible that Adam could leave? Will the POV change things? Will Cassi bounce Dominic off her eyebrows and jolt him into a fighting mood? Leave your opinions and worries in the comments, read me regularly at, and follow me on Twitter at @louisvirtel!

Comments are monitored, so don’t go off topic, don’t frakkin’ curse and don’t bore us with how much your coworker’s sister-in-law makes per hour. Talk smart about TV!

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  1. Rafaela says:

    I think Cassi is a amazing player.

  2. Sean says:

    Great recap!

    Lawon was upset because “I stuck my ass out for everybody on that team”, which is a joke that pretty much writes itself. The funniest thing, though, was his declaration at the end of his mini-tirade that “It’s on”, because I don’t find that sentiment very intimidating when you whisper it.

    AFter you’re done here at TVLine, I hope you’ll check out the rest of my recap at, or you can just click my name.

  3. Gorillacity says:

    Well written

  4. Sivat says:

    I am glad the vets are dominating. The new characters are just not likable.

  5. 8daysaweek says:

    This season is shaping up to be so boring. I’m about to check out until the golden key thing is over. I never thought I’d say this but I wish Evel Dick were still around.

  6. darclyte says:

    I really like Cassi, but she isn’t playing a very good game at all, especially not socially. She needs to be friendly and sociable with the “Vets,” otherwise the target on her back will just keep getting bigger and bigger.

    Watching the Have Not comp, I kept wondering why Lawon, Brendon and Shelly weren’t the ones on the bottom as all three seem “stronger” than their partners. Especially Lawon and Brendon. Having them on top just made little sense. I suppose I get that the rear person could pull up the front one, but the bulk of the time the back person was on top of the front person which just made no sense for the smaller women to be in front. Kalia did seem to be making more of it than what was there, as she said it was more out of fear of being injured than actually being injured, but at the end of the comp it just made her look kinda foolish.

    With the “Newb” alliance blown up and crumbling, it will be interesting to see how the rest of this week plays out. At this point, I’m really not sure who would go between Dom and Adam should the nominations remain the same.

    • braying mantats says:

      Cassi has sucked up to Jordan & Jeff, but she can’t possibly win over Rachel. They hate each other.

      Danielle can’t manipulate Cassi so she has no interest her.

      Please dear Chenbot, let Lawon win HoH next week. Nothing would be less predictable.

  7. Sina says:

    Cassi was on the girl’s hitlist because she’s pretty. Rachel was hating on her from start. On the feeds she was saying Cassie had to have had some kind of plastic surgery. Car (Porsche) was complaining that Cassi is jealous of her because she’s pretty. Cassi also complains alot. She really doesn’t kiss butt and she distrust the wrong ppl. Right now she is blaming Lawon for everything saying he is a liar and snake. I have no idea why no one is blaming Kalia. You can tell it was her especially after keith “called her out” Now I’m glad Keith is gone. I was hoping though that afterward the newbies would get together and be united. The newbies keep looking at the vets like they are superstars! THey need to play the game. The vets are not Prince or Patti LaBelle!

  8. BRETT says:

    If you have seen any of BIG BROTHER AFTER DARK you’d realize that Rachel isn’t the problem, Cassi is. Cassi has been hating on Porsche for no apparent reason, just because Keith did. When you target someone who’s done nothing at all, it tends to put the house against you. I am not that worried about Cassi as I don’t really think she is a big competitor in the competitions, and like everyone has said, her social game sucks. For once people need to realize Rachel isn’t the issue. I hope they send Dom home. He is becoming super paranoid, and frankly I find him annoying. I can completely understand how he is a virgin. Send him packing!

    • BRETT says:

      I apologize for the boldness.

    • postalot says:

      Plenty of people who have seen BB After Dark would strongly disagree with you.
      Cassi’s no Princess Innocent but Rachel is someone who dishes it out and flips a lid when someone gives it back to her.

      Agree about Dom though.

    • Jeffrey says:

      AND Cassi dropped the gay f-bomb the first week on the “After Dark” feeds. She used the slur in reference to Dom after he asked for a purple flower pillow. I don’t know how this got by where Jeff’s rant didn’t. Anyway, I want Cassi gone, like, now! :)

  9. Larry says:

    Gave up on this show as soon as Jordan won HOH. It’s boring and too predictable. I would had liked the newbies win at least one challenge so there is some stragedy between the two main groups -but now it looks like the veterans taking out the newbies one-by-one. Not going to stick around and watch that mass slaughter -that isn’t entertainment -that’s like watching paint dry. Count me out this year, Big Brother.

  10. John says:

    This whole season is one big fail. Having alliances basically already established by the producers before the game even starts ruins the dynamic of the show. They killed Survivor by continuously bringing back veteran players, and now they’re doing the same thing to Big Brother.

    • postalot says:

      Survivor will be startled to hear of its own death.
      Also, 5 seasons out of 22 they’ve brought back previous players. Not quite continuously eh?

  11. Ruth says:

    I thought Adam made one of the most bone-headed moves in BB history by fessing up that he voted against the vets…seriously what was he thinking? He could have lied and let them believe he was one of the 2 votes – they would never know the difference. What an idiot! I think the season will get really good once it becomes an individual game which I will assume will be at week 10.

    • darclyte says:

      They didn’t show it but to his face Jeff told Adam that he appreciated his being honest about his vote and that would go a long way towards the Vets being able to trust Adam.

  12. boyd crowder says:

    love the sims and double dare references! Also the new nickname for Porsche but may I suggest, “Taurus”?

  13. tripoli says:

    These recaps are horribly written. Last one I’ll be suffering through.

  14. Citizen Bitch says:

    haha, this show is just like the Sims!

    i’m pulling for dani