Big Brother Recap: Miniature Loss

We arrived at tonight’s episode of Big Brother thinking three things: 1) Keith isn’t sane enough to win, 2) Porsche is alarmingly hapless (like, Selma Blair-in-Cruel Intentions hapless), and 3) It doesn’t matter which of them goes. Seriously, did anyone have a preference for one teammate’s gameplay or personality or gawkiness over the other? Porsche had potential to be a spoiler since the veterans staked her out as a malleable ally, which could come back to haunt the vets, but truly, Porsche’s authority is lacking. She’s a model, but she doesn’t even have the sense to paint her eyebrows into a look of perpetual suspicion like Cassi — so let’s forget her, all right?

Instead, let’s remember the oh-quite-complicated relationship of Brenchal. I say “complicated” in the Denise Richards: It’s Complicated sense, so expect no complications (or humanity or joy), thanks. We spent the first part of the episode watching their union crumble due to Rachel’s new nickname for Brendon, “Booki,” which she hollered across the courtyard like Cathy to Heathcliff in Wuthering Heights. Unfortunately, Brendon wasn’t in a literary mood when Rachel threw the “Booki” at him (in front of the other houseguests), and he soon fumed.

“I am trying to get into the medical profession and be a medical professional!” Brendon hollered at Rachel. Not a relevant argument, sure, but he meant to say that cutesy nicknames can make a man look whipped. Which is true, sometimes. Also true: Brendon is an insecure manchild who can’t handle a little joshing, and he makes me cringe.

“I’m sorry you feel ‘demasculinetized!'” Rachel clamored back, inventing a five-syllable word out of spare suffixes, roots, and futuristic English. She pouted and cried too. Don’t worry, Brendon understood her strange utterance and told us so in confessional.

“I had a conversation with Rachel about making sure that she doesn’t inadvertently demasculinate me in front of other people!” Brendon explained. “Demasculinate.” More five-syllable slop for us all. Well done, Brenchal. You win the nonsense spelling bee.

After a brief interlude where antsy veterans reached out to potential allies Shelly and Adam (who is told to come up the name of an alliance for the veterans), we’re ushered to the live elimination feed where Julie Chen is wearing a white-pink pantsuit and preparing to distribute pain. Her first order of business was showing the remaining housemates a video of the departed contestant (and father of Daniele) Dick, who apologized for his early exit from the game. Without revealing the exact reasons he left, he wished for everyone to have a great time on the show. Thanks, Dick! But I’m only having a so-so time on the show. Maybe once this Golden Key business is over, I can laugh again and enjoy these power hierarchies.

I wish I had more to report on the latter half of the episode, but facts are facts: The voting between the two nominated contestants (Keith and Porsche) didn’t produce any legendary moments, other than Shelly and Kalia moving their vote to Keith. Shelly’s a hard-smiling lady, by the way. She flashes those bicuspids like a dolled-up Miss Teen USA, and I accept that. But oh! The results: With those ladies’ votes and all the veterans’ too, Keith was kicked out in record time. It’s always the overly calculating ones who get the axe early on. Farewell, sir, and please continue enjoying Bolingbrook, IL, where Drew Peterson’s legacy sadly lives on. Maybe yours can too, Keith.

Following a quick HOH miniature golf game where Jordan came out the victor, Julie Chen put the episode and her carnation-colored businesswear to bed. It seems like the Big Brother internet community loves Jordan, but I’m not quite there yet. She’s a friendly and persuasive player, yes, but she’s also… an average Big Brother archetype? The most average one, in fact? Anyway: She’s in charge. And the veterans wield power again. It’s too damn easy for these kids.

Tell me, TVLiners, are you happy that Jordan is HOH? Are you sad that Keith is gone? (Please.) Could you tolerate Julie Chen’s awkward dialogue with Daniele? And do you think Big Brother deserved an Emmy nom alongside American Idol and So You Think You Can Dance? Hit me in the comments, read me regularly at Movieline.com, and follow me on Twitter at @louisvirtel.