Big Brother Recap: Miniature Loss

We arrived at tonight’s episode of Big Brother thinking three things: 1) Keith isn’t sane enough to win, 2) Porsche is alarmingly hapless (like, Selma Blair-in-Cruel Intentions hapless), and 3) It doesn’t matter which of them goes. Seriously, did anyone have a preference for one teammate’s gameplay or personality or gawkiness over the other? Porsche had potential to be a spoiler since the veterans staked her out as a malleable ally, which could come back to haunt the vets, but truly, Porsche’s authority is lacking. She’s a model, but she doesn’t even have the sense to paint her eyebrows into a look of perpetual suspicion like Cassi — so let’s forget her, all right?

Instead, let’s remember the oh-quite-complicated relationship of Brenchal. I say “complicated” in the Denise Richards: It’s Complicated sense, so expect no complications (or humanity or joy), thanks. We spent the first part of the episode watching their union crumble due to Rachel’s new nickname for Brendon, “Booki,” which she hollered across the courtyard like Cathy to Heathcliff in Wuthering Heights. Unfortunately, Brendon wasn’t in a literary mood when Rachel threw the “Booki” at him (in front of the other houseguests), and he soon fumed.

“I am trying to get into the medical profession and be a medical professional!” Brendon hollered at Rachel. Not a relevant argument, sure, but he meant to say that cutesy nicknames can make a man look whipped. Which is true, sometimes. Also true: Brendon is an insecure manchild who can’t handle a little joshing, and he makes me cringe.

“I’m sorry you feel ‘demasculinetized!'” Rachel clamored back, inventing a five-syllable word out of spare suffixes, roots, and futuristic English. She pouted and cried too. Don’t worry, Brendon understood her strange utterance and told us so in confessional.

“I had a conversation with Rachel about making sure that she doesn’t inadvertently demasculinate me in front of other people!” Brendon explained. “Demasculinate.” More five-syllable slop for us all. Well done, Brenchal. You win the nonsense spelling bee.

After a brief interlude where antsy veterans reached out to potential allies Shelly and Adam (who is told to come up the name of an alliance for the veterans), we’re ushered to the live elimination feed where Julie Chen is wearing a white-pink pantsuit and preparing to distribute pain. Her first order of business was showing the remaining housemates a video of the departed contestant (and father of Daniele) Dick, who apologized for his early exit from the game. Without revealing the exact reasons he left, he wished for everyone to have a great time on the show. Thanks, Dick! But I’m only having a so-so time on the show. Maybe once this Golden Key business is over, I can laugh again and enjoy these power hierarchies.

I wish I had more to report on the latter half of the episode, but facts are facts: The voting between the two nominated contestants (Keith and Porsche) didn’t produce any legendary moments, other than Shelly and Kalia moving their vote to Keith. Shelly’s a hard-smiling lady, by the way. She flashes those bicuspids like a dolled-up Miss Teen USA, and I accept that. But oh! The results: With those ladies’ votes and all the veterans’ too, Keith was kicked out in record time. It’s always the overly calculating ones who get the axe early on. Farewell, sir, and please continue enjoying Bolingbrook, IL, where Drew Peterson’s legacy sadly lives on. Maybe yours can too, Keith.

Following a quick HOH miniature golf game where Jordan came out the victor, Julie Chen put the episode and her carnation-colored businesswear to bed. It seems like the Big Brother internet community loves Jordan, but I’m not quite there yet. She’s a friendly and persuasive player, yes, but she’s also… an average Big Brother archetype? The most average one, in fact? Anyway: She’s in charge. And the veterans wield power again. It’s too damn easy for these kids.

Tell me, TVLiners, are you happy that Jordan is HOH? Are you sad that Keith is gone? (Please.) Could you tolerate Julie Chen’s awkward dialogue with Daniele? And do you think Big Brother deserved an Emmy nom alongside American Idol and So You Think You Can Dance? Hit me in the comments, read me regularly at, and follow me on Twitter at @louisvirtel.

Comments are monitored, so don’t go off topic, don’t frakkin’ curse and don’t bore us with how much your coworker’s sister-in-law makes per hour. Talk smart about TV!

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  1. GaryfromCinci says:

    Porshe was the clear choice of who should stay. If you have a seen any of the unbiased unedited Live of Showtime feeds, one would certainly quickly find that that Porshe is charming, funny, witty, and obvouisly beautiful. Keith was easily the most paranoid and self destructive houseguest in years, he just didnt know how to be “cool” and let things play out. I, for one, am very thankful one of the brightest new personalities in the house was not the first to go.

    • Katie says:

      I was very surprised to find that I have liked Porsche. I guess it’s not too hard when she’s sitting next to Keith who along with Adam are the Newbies that annoy the crap outta me.

  2. Sean says:

    Thrilled that Jordan won HoH…I’m sure she won’t De-Un-Masculinitize-inate Jeff like Rachel did to Boo-kie Brendon.

    My Random Thoughts:

    ht now…
    Thursday, July 14, 2011
    Big Brother Recap: Eviction Night
    [My partner’s going home! YEAHHHH!]
    For Thursday night’s live eviction of Big Brother 13 (the first of the season), would the houseguests choose to give the boot to Paranoid Skirt Chasing Youth Minister Keith…or would they show the door to Faux Student Tears-A-Plenty VIP Waitress Porsche? And would we learn any more about Evel Dick’s abrupt exit from the game? Let’s find out…

    My Random Thoughts:

    – I was annoyed by Keith based solely on the first three episodes, but one of my regular readers pointed out in the Comments section after the last episode, that she had already seen him on another reality show called Genuine Ken, The Search For The Great American Boyfriend. I investigated it, and it is indeed true…so he’s not just annoying, he’s a reality TV whore as well. Keep up that Youth Ministry, Keith.

    – I know that being cooped up in that house doesn’t really leave a lot of options in terms of “things to do”, but only one week into the season, I’m already sick of every strategy session, and pretty much every conversation, taking place while the houseguests are laying down, or in bed. Seriously, are you too lazy to even sit up and talk? This is going to be a long season.

    – Jeff: “I might have to whore myself out.” Funny…but I’m not sure that would have been that funny if anyone else in the house said it.

    – What the hell is Big Booty? Am I out of the loop not knowing what it was? Based on what I saw on tonight’s episode, it looked essentially like Drinking, Dancing, and making noise. When did that get a specific name?

    – Nice to see that CBS gave them a game in the backyard to keep them busy. Bean bag horseshoes rock!

    – “Boo-kie”Brendon took offense to the return of Vegas Rachel, dancing and partying in the backyard. He had a bit of a hissy fit and pulled her inside to have one of their painful passive-aggressive whiny arguments that we all got so accustomed to last season. Did you miss them?

    Three “I love you’s” from Rachel before Boo-kie (I have to put the hyphen in there, or it says to me that he’s taking bets on football games) gave her a response. Then he told her to sleep on the couch because he was going to bed, presumably in HER HoH bed. Looks like trouble in Chemistry Paradise.

    Listen, Brendon is just as much of a whiny bitch as Rachel, if not more. Both of them are incredible Drama Queens, and even more so the next day in the backyard when we got more pouty, whiny, BS from Rachel. Do you get the feeling that this is how every disagreement goes between these two?
    [Not the first time she has cramped up in this position, I bet.]
    Boo-kie took exception to Rachel sharing her pet name for him because “I’m trying to get into the medical profession.” Hey, here’s a idea…if you’re trying to get into the medical profession, maybe eliminate “texting pictures of my wang” to strangers from your repertoire (you’re probably going to want to get used to that joke for this season, I have a feeling you’re going to hear it a lot.)

    But my absolute favourite part of their argument, was when he told her that her behavior was going to “de-masculinate” him. I know you were all thinking it at the time, but it is NOT a word! I’m sure “emasculate” was the word he was looking for, but the beauty of it all was that Brendon was the one who last season corrected Britney on the correct pronunciation of “Neanderthal.” Oh, the irony. Then again, Brendon seems to have to be the only one who has to label his own water glass (see above), so maybe he’s not as bright as everyone thinks.

    – Jeff’s idea to let Adam name the group was a great idea…even if it didn’t work. Play to the superfan who is clearly starstruck. Good idea in theory, but Adam still voted with the Newbies.

    – Evel Dick’s message to the rest of the house was cryptic, with no answers, just like the BS video he posted online yesterday. Daniele was clearly furious watching him, and her eye-rolling made it clear that she was still not impressed. That video was a waste of time…just an excuse to feature the prize pony of the season for 30 more seconds. Shameful.

    – After the Evel Dick Non-Message, Pantsuit Chen threw Daniele a curveball, asking “No I love you?” Wow, I can’t even describe how out of line that was, Chenbot. Remember you are NOT Jeff Probst. Don’t stray from the script, just read from your teleprompter on Thursdays and we’ll all be fine.

    – Adam went on about “Metal, METAL, METAL!” when talking to Julie. Let me ask you this, when Lawon gives you a look like “Man, that Dude is over the top!”, how bad do you think it is?

    When you’re done here at TVLIne, I hope you’ll check out the rest of my recap at, or you can just click my name.

    • Sean says:

      I’m really sorry about that, my post was only supposed to be 3 lines long, but it pasted my entire page and I can’t delete it.

      • Katie says:

        I enjoyed reading your post. Especially the Lawon comment- hilarious! My initial judgements as to who was going to be annoying this year was wrong. I thought I would like Adam, but so far he is really getting on my nerves! I will be checking out your blog.

      • Jamie says:

        Likewise. I enjoyed your post. Thanks for sharing inadvertently. :)

  3. darclyte says:

    Why was Lawon dressed as Two Face?

    Word on the internet is that Rachel’s name for Brendan is spelled Buki as it is short for a Japanese term used in porn. If that’s true, then no wonder he was upset about her spilling the beans (pardon the pun.)

    Julie talking to Dani was so awkward and uncomfortable that it made me feel sorry for Dani. I’m sure she loves her father, she just doesn’t like him. In many ways, Dani seems very misanthropic so some of it is on her, but why would Julie say, “no I love you?” It was kinda creepy it was so uncomfortable. It very nearly made me cringe, and I don’t cringe.

    Umm, Julie, no this wasn’t Jordan’s first HOH win. Jordan won 2 HOH’s in Season 11 including the final one which probably won her the game. I’m guessing that whoever is responsible for giving Julie notes was fired after that mess up.

    So, ED forgot that Jordan won her season and Julie forgot that Jordan won HOH twice. I guess that shows that as nice as Jordan is supposed to be, that she’s pretty forgettable.

    When I saw the challenge it also reminded me of the one that Jordan won in her season. This one seemed a LOT harder though, but for anyone who thinks TPTB “slanted” the contest to Jordan…get a life. There was no way to predict how people would do and everyone had the same chance. Jordan just hit the ball with about the right power and angle, while most of the others just hit it too hard. Even if Jeff and Brendan hadn’t “thrown it,” there’s no guarantee they would have gotten any closer. My guess is they’d both have over powered their shots regardless, so I wouldn’t say they “handed it” to her…she still had to make that shot.

    Did anyone else hear the live audience’s reactions to the votes? When Adam voted to evict Porsche, there was a loud disappointment groan from the audience. When Shelly voted out Keith, there was another audible reaction, but when Kalia voted out Keith, the crowd clearly let out a aloud surprised gasp. I too was surprised in Kalia, but now it will remain to be seen who the Vets believe cast those 2 votes. If Adam is smart, he’ll try to say it was him, which could leave Kalia and maybe Shelly having to try to prove they cast the votes…especially Kalia.

    This next week could be VERY interesting.

  4. Sivat says:

    Pleased as a peach that Keith is gone! YES!!! :D

    And also pleased that Jordan won HoH—go veterans! Pick off those awful newbies!

  5. BRETT says:

    Happy with the eviction and HoH. I feel like Cassie’s days are numbered… she’s all over the live feeds and Sho 2 talking crap about everyone. And then it will flip to the rest of the house saying they’re on to her. She’s beautiful, but she’s not a great social player. At all.

  6. Jorge Jose Herrera says:

    I’m so happy that Keith is gone! He was really annoying, especially with that paranoia conversation he had with the newbies where he called out Kalia and Porsche. He may be the worst game player in the history of Big Brother. Personally, I wouldn’t mind if all the newbies left and we were just left with the veterans. I find all the newbies to be annoying and bland. This is the first season where I didn’t immediately find a few people who I wanted to stay to the end of the season. So Jordan winning HOH makes me happy to see at least one more newbie leave the show (hopefully Dominick).

  7. xwiseguyx says:

    It would have made for a better show if Keith stayed just in terms of entertainment… plus seeing that the Vets wouldn’t have gotten their way on the vote out would have caused all sorts of friction in the house… damn… ditto for if Dominic would have won the HOH… damn… is this week really going to be interesting with Jordan as HOH? For those of you celebrating this victory, let me know just how exciting this week’s crop of episodes are.. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

  8. tina says:

    Loved this it cracked me up…I have to agree this season so far has been a sleeper hoping that it gets better. I am dying to know why Evil Dick left my guess is health issues or drug problem and he’s in rehab right now? If it were jail we would have heard, Richard Hatch style maybe. Hoping that Brenchele gets the boot soon her voice DRIVES ME INSANE! And yes Julie’s pants suit was not good, it was grandma style and color.

    • darclyte says:

      ED posted on his site that it’s a friend in need who’s always been there for ED, so ED needed to be there for this friend. He’s not in rehab or anything like that, he’s posting videos and on Twitter which wouldn’t be allowed in any rehab. He said in a video on his website (and last night on BB) that he, his son, his mom, and his girlfriend are all ok. So, whoever this friend is it musta been sudden and serious as ED also stated that it wasn’t known prior to his entering the BB house.

  9. Laurel says:

    That whole exchange with Chenbot & Danielle was weird , uncomfortable and kinda rude.
    Chenbot was WAY outta line on that one.
    Watching Brenchal argue is really not entertaining, it’s just boring.
    I’m glad Keith is gone and Jordan is HOH.

  10. LindaC says:

    Happy that Jordan won the HOH, glad that Keith is gone and thinking Cassi should be the next to go. But Rachel really needs to stop the fake laugh…PLEASE