Big Brother Recap: 5 Great, Near-Unbearable Moments from Last Night

Wednesday night’s Big Brother was both mellow and maddening as the presumed powerhouses — the veterans — dealt with a blow that sent them into asthmatic fits: Evel Dick, the veterans’ tattered, tattooed leader, abruptly left the game due to an “undisclosed personal matter.” Undisclosed personal matters are no fun! They’re the reason Christine Cavanaugh, the voice of Babe and Rugrats‘ Chuckie Finster, dropped out of show business! I hate those things.

I’ll have more to say about the dramatic turns of tonight’s episode after tomorrow night’s recap, so for now, let’s just recount five wince-worthy moments that made our ChenBot circuitry sizzle.

1. Dominic’s obsession with, uh, regulating
Have you ever seen a human being more proud of coining a nickname than this guy? The stay-at-home model comes close to gyrating every time he mentions the word “Regulators.” It’s not even a rousing plural noun. It sounds like plumbing equipment. Or a Kraftwerk album. Better yet, Dominic started the episode with the following passage that you’ll soon be able to read in Bartlett’s Familiar Quotations: “This is so sick. We’re going to regulate the house.” So sick, indeed. Somewhere, Ne-Yo croons forlornly about this obsession.

2. The fallout from Dick’s departure
After Dick and his bedraggled face fled, a number of cataclysmic events occurred. Rachel read off the official rules, stating that because Daniele had no choice in losing her partner, she is granted the first Golden Key and an invitation to the top 10. Unfortunately, his disappearance also ruined the numbers game of the veterans’ authority, placing the majority right in the hands of newbies like Fire Marshall Shelly. Oops! Now the undisclosed personal matters really are personal. Daniele devolved into a fiery pout, and Brendon whinnied in unearthly terror like the horse from The Ring upon hearing of newbie Keith’s satisfaction. Hot hotheads, settle down! You may be in trouble now, but I’m sure the witless amateurs will fumble the lead in due time. That’s what Big Brother is all about. Besides models.

3. Keith’s paranoid wrath
Keith decided to set aside the obvious fact that his crew gained a major advantage and instead broke into an accusatory, almost-convulsive rant against Porsche and Kalia, who he’d seen speaking to the veteran squad. Like some desperate protagonist in an Aimee Mann song, he declared, “I need to expose them. I’m gonna be the hero. I’m gonna save the day.” God, Keith. Did this achieve anything? You managed to seem as dunderheaded as Porsche for a moment, which is a feat, I guess. Bravo to you.

4. The most languid P.O.V. game on Earth
Porsche and Keith, the least enthusiastic partnership since William Frawley and Vivian Vance, had separate but similar reasons for throwing the Power of Veto game, a bungee-related relay of puzzle pieces and shuttle runs. Keith wanted to lose so his allies could vote off Porsche in a clear majority, and Porsche wanted to lose so her allies could — um? — do the same thing? No, Porsche. That’s not how numbers work. I don’t know what you’re thinking. You must’ve counted yourself three times, or something. Nonetheless, Porsche (Is it OK if I start calling her “Car”? Maybe I will.) and Keith unknowingly banded together to botch the superhero-themed game, and they still did better than Jordan and Jeff, who Rachel randomly drew before the competition started. Lazy losing. Not exactly a telegenic treat.

5. Keith and Porsche’s mutual lies afterward in the diary room
“This competition was extremely hard!” Porsche whined to the confessional camera, as she still sported a smile wider than the Rhine. “The puzzle pieces were very awkward and they stuck to that board, and it was really difficult to move ’em around!” Fellow liar Keith concurred: “Going back and forth… put a lot of strain on my body as well. Lots of hard work. But it was fun!” Then there they were. Two liars with faces frozen in fabricated glee. I’m shivering.

Now that you know Rachel and Brendon didn’t change their vote after winning P.O.V., how are you feeling about tomorrow? Do you miss Dick, even though it already feels like he’s been gone for weeks? Did you also need more Shelly? Drop it in the comments, read me regularly at, and follow me on Twitter at @louisvirtel.

Comments are monitored, so don’t go off topic, don’t frakkin’ curse and don’t bore us with how much your coworker’s sister-in-law makes per hour. Talk smart about TV!

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  1. Rhonda says:

    “Porsche and Keith, the least enthusiastic partnership since William Frawley and Vivian Vance” LOVING that ;>

  2. Sean says:

    Did anyone else appreciate the irony of Rachel getting frustrated with Porsche crying over being nominated? I mean, last season, Rachel was the queen of irrational crying, and now she’s upset at someone else crying for “no reason”?

    I hope you’ll check out the rest of my recap at

  3. darclyte says:

    Allison Grodner spoke about ED and BB and you can find the article about her on a different weekly entertainment oriented website…the one that used to employ’s Idoloonie Michael Slezak. Allison did seem to imply what other people had thought and that is that they will no longer have a “double eviction” episode.

    Also, people are talking about Jeff’s comments about Dumbledore. While I don’t condone those remarks, I think it was done out of ignorance not malice. Jeff will be the first one to tell you that he isn’t well educated or that bright. I’m sure in the “blue collar” neighborhood where he grew up, calling people the “F-word” was common as is the point of view he expressed. Jeff later apologized to Kalia and told her he was wrong and she was right. He had the chance to think about it and seemed to realize that he was wrong. Jeff isn’t a politician, he’s a guy on a reality game show. It’s not like he runs a clinic that believes that gay people can be cured and Jordan is an elected official and they both support a radical minister who believes that all gay people should be locked up and/or executed. Now people like THAT are of a MUCH bigger concern.

    • Magically Suspicious says:

      I didn’t watch Jeff’s comments live, but I’ve read about them on several forums. I agree…I don’t think they were meant to be malicious. I think it was an example of not choosing your words properly to make your point. And why has nobody commented on the fact that Cassi dropped the f-bomb on night one of the live feeds and she absolutely did it in a malicious, callous manner. ‘You really are a f…..’ were her words to Dominic. No one seems to have taken her to task for that.

      • Geo says:

        Well, Cassi being a homophobe doesn’t excuse Jeff. And Jeff went way beyond just using the “f-word;” he was angrily arguing that gays shouldn’t teach, calling them “perverts,” playing directly into the vicious “gay=pedophile” smear, which is pretty much one of the most extreme kinds of bigoted rhetoric there is. When you’re making an argument that a minority can’t be trusted around kids, you’re pretty much as deep into bigotry as you can go, about in the rotten place that “God Hates F*gs” church is. Many Americans consider pedophilia to be even a worse crime than murder, so slandering a minority with “they shouldn’t be teaching kids” arguments is some of the worst hate possible.

        And BTW, there are plenty of “blue collar” people who aren’t raving bigots, so to chalk Jeff’s supposed “ignorance” up to that background is an insult to a lot of good people. It’s the 21st Century, and Jeff has been hanging out in the entertainment industry for the last few years. If he’s still “ignorant” about gays and lesbians, he’s either a self-centered bigoted moron or has been walking around with a bag over his head.

        There are no excuses for Jeff and while it’s super-duper if he later apologizes, with a guy who already has a history of controversial homophobic remarks that ought to have a sane person thinking twice before even venturing anywhere even slightly near that kind of rhetoric again, why the h*ll did CBS bring back someone this unstable in regard to bigoted tirades?

        There’s a serious question here about why CBS and BB isn’t doing a better job vetting out bigots before the show airs, and particularly why they’d bring someone back who already has a history of homophobic remarks. You now have a house where Jeff, Cassi, and to some extent Rachel (last season) have all been people who have tossed out anti-gay slurs or comments. It’s high time the show gets confronted with what the heck is going on with this happening again and again. Contestants obviously have to meet certain psychological standards before CBS plops them down on the show so the show doesn’t end up with suicides, serious depressives, serial killers, and the like. You’d think that, likewise, in the vetting process they’d include a few targeted questions or exercises to weed out contestants likely to dive into racist, homophobic, anti-Semitic or other forms of bigotry as well, but here CBS even already had evidence that Jeff was a prime candidate for being a bigoted creep and they brought him back anyway. There is just no excuse for this garbage.

  4. The WB Frog says:

    Anyone else think this season is the most boring yet? Thankfully, Rachel isn’t as irritating as she was last season.

    Grodner and Co. better come up with something to spice things up or this season will be a bust!

  5. Sivat says:

    I am rooting for Daniele to win it all. Jeff’s a homophobe and the newbies all suck. Daniele for the win!!!

  6. Katie says:

    Rachel and Brendan are the worst BB players ever. Their strategy is non-existent. And at first I thought they were less annoying than last year, but after last night….

  7. 8daysaweek says:

    I beg to differ re: Dominic and “The Regulators:” That nickname-pride was a page straight out of Enzo’s “Brigade” playbook last year. I am not sure which one of them is lamer though.

    • JD says:

      lamest has to be “The Meow Meow.” I hated Enzo. It enrages me that he won $50k for doing NOTHING all season.

      • 8daysaweek says:

        I think Enzo’s only saving grace for me is that at least he was married and out of his mom’s house. Dominic’s “mama boy” shtick is just pathetic.

  8. knilja says:

    Does anyone think that ED left so Dani had a chance to Win???

  9. Laurel says:

    Boring Boring Boring !