Big Brother Recap: 5 Great, Near-Unbearable Moments from Last Night

Wednesday night’s Big Brother was both mellow and maddening as the presumed powerhouses — the veterans — dealt with a blow that sent them into asthmatic fits: Evel Dick, the veterans’ tattered, tattooed leader, abruptly left the game due to an “undisclosed personal matter.” Undisclosed personal matters are no fun! They’re the reason Christine Cavanaugh, the voice of Babe and Rugrats‘ Chuckie Finster, dropped out of show business! I hate those things.

I’ll have more to say about the dramatic turns of tonight’s episode after tomorrow night’s recap, so for now, let’s just recount five wince-worthy moments that made our ChenBot circuitry sizzle.

1. Dominic’s obsession with, uh, regulating
Have you ever seen a human being more proud of coining a nickname than this guy? The stay-at-home model comes close to gyrating every time he mentions the word “Regulators.” It’s not even a rousing plural noun. It sounds like plumbing equipment. Or a Kraftwerk album. Better yet, Dominic started the episode with the following passage that you’ll soon be able to read in Bartlett’s Familiar Quotations: “This is so sick. We’re going to regulate the house.” So sick, indeed. Somewhere, Ne-Yo croons forlornly about this obsession.

2. The fallout from Dick’s departure
After Dick and his bedraggled face fled, a number of cataclysmic events occurred. Rachel read off the official rules, stating that because Daniele had no choice in losing her partner, she is granted the first Golden Key and an invitation to the top 10. Unfortunately, his disappearance also ruined the numbers game of the veterans’ authority, placing the majority right in the hands of newbies like Fire Marshall Shelly. Oops! Now the undisclosed personal matters really are personal. Daniele devolved into a fiery pout, and Brendon whinnied in unearthly terror like the horse from The Ring upon hearing of newbie Keith’s satisfaction. Hot hotheads, settle down! You may be in trouble now, but I’m sure the witless amateurs will fumble the lead in due time. That’s what Big Brother is all about. Besides models.

3. Keith’s paranoid wrath
Keith decided to set aside the obvious fact that his crew gained a major advantage and instead broke into an accusatory, almost-convulsive rant against Porsche and Kalia, who he’d seen speaking to the veteran squad. Like some desperate protagonist in an Aimee Mann song, he declared, “I need to expose them. I’m gonna be the hero. I’m gonna save the day.” God, Keith. Did this achieve anything? You managed to seem as dunderheaded as Porsche for a moment, which is a feat, I guess. Bravo to you.

4. The most languid P.O.V. game on Earth
Porsche and Keith, the least enthusiastic partnership since William Frawley and Vivian Vance, had separate but similar reasons for throwing the Power of Veto game, a bungee-related relay of puzzle pieces and shuttle runs. Keith wanted to lose so his allies could vote off Porsche in a clear majority, and Porsche wanted to lose so her allies could — um? — do the same thing? No, Porsche. That’s not how numbers work. I don’t know what you’re thinking. You must’ve counted yourself three times, or something. Nonetheless, Porsche (Is it OK if I start calling her “Car”? Maybe I will.) and Keith unknowingly banded together to botch the superhero-themed game, and they still did better than Jordan and Jeff, who Rachel randomly drew before the competition started. Lazy losing. Not exactly a telegenic treat.

5. Keith and Porsche’s mutual lies afterward in the diary room
“This competition was extremely hard!” Porsche whined to the confessional camera, as she still sported a smile wider than the Rhine. “The puzzle pieces were very awkward and they stuck to that board, and it was really difficult to move ’em around!” Fellow liar Keith concurred: “Going back and forth… put a lot of strain on my body as well. Lots of hard work. But it was fun!” Then there they were. Two liars with faces frozen in fabricated glee. I’m shivering.

Now that you know Rachel and Brendon didn’t change their vote after winning P.O.V., how are you feeling about tomorrow? Do you miss Dick, even though it already feels like he’s been gone for weeks? Did you also need more Shelly? Drop it in the comments, read me regularly at Movieline.com, and follow me on Twitter at @louisvirtel.