Big Brother Recap: Rachel Getting Milky

It’s hard to predict the thirteenth season of Big Brother since we’re just beginning to understand the team-system voting, the “Golden Key” immunity loophole, and Shelly’s powerful face (half Geena Davis, half Fire Marshall Bill? I’m in love?). So much new data! But last night, the overlords and underdogs emerged as our six veterans rallied, the newbies buckled, and Rachel’s braying laugh billowed and billowed like fumes from a sewer stream overflowing with Clairol’s Magenta Minx #47. Run, townspeople.

As the episode starts, the pawns convene in separate rooms and strategize like Rugrats raring to overthrow Angelica. Evel Dick raises a shaky finger and announces he wants to “wipe out the strong ones and keep the weak ones” in the first couple weeks, hoping to fill the top 10 with useless plebes. It’s a slightly annoying segment given that Evel Dick’s limited future in the Big Brother house is no mystery to hardcore viewers (A.K.A. the only viewers), so I can’t even pretend to enjoy his machinations. Or his gnarled, jack-o’-lantern visage. Oh, Dick! You won’t be forgotten. Because you’re the lovechild of Tommy Lee and a scary tree. Motley Spruce forever.

Meanwhile, partnerships strengthen and weaken throughout the funhouse: Daniele assures us that her rocky relationship with Dick, her father, is all business when it comes to Big Brother. Hooray. Porsche confides in teammate Keith that she wants to befriend the veterans, but Keith takes us aside in confessional and calls her stupid. Jordan and Jeff make fart jokes in bed, just like Ozzie and Harriet. And Rachel, the HOH, opines about plastic surgery with Brendon, asking if he thinks Cassi’s had Botox. Or cheek implants. Or eyebrow calligraphy, a nose whittling, eye varnish, ear simplification, a mouth mulligan, or some other hacksaw procedure. Brendon shakes his head, ignores Rachel’s petty artificiality, and stares into her brick-hard breasts like a hypnotized seminarian. “He never complains about these!” Rachel caws at us, pointing at her rigid grapefruits. She’s like a hoarse, 1997 version of JWOWW who gets cast in an Oxygen ripoff called The Saucy Senoritas of Seaside. I respect her on those extreme terms.

While the veterans appear to wield power, some of the clamoring freshmen come up with their own defenses. Dominic, the stay-at-home model, calls together hokey Lawon, horny Keith, and catatonic Cassi (“because she’s hot”) to form a voting alliance against their partners should their duos receive eviction nominations. Everyone concurs, and Dominic calls their group “the Regulators.” He’s torqued about that name! After all, it sounds like a wimpy youth soccer team. CapriSuns and Koala Yummies for these champs!

An actual competition follows, pitting three teams of four (excluding Rachel and Brendon, the HOHs) in a race to wear big, spongy cow suits, soak up milk from a pool, and squeeze the milk into awaiting jars. The set for this challenge is a tin-foil, sci-fi tableau. Very Where in Time is Carmen Sandiego?, but less educational. Yet again, a team of veterans (Dick, Daniele, Jeff, and Jordan) outpace the newbies, and Kalia, Lawon, Cassi, and Shelly are relegated to “have-not” status, meaning they’re forced to sleep in awful quarters with cold showers, slop dinners, and the knowledge that bedraggled ole Dick is their athletic superior. Four suicides coming right up.

After Dick cajoles a leery Adam — the 90210-loving metal god — into something of partnership, Rachel concludes the episode by coming down with the night’s nominations: Keith and Porsche. That’s an unlovable duo, so props to BRAYWOWW there. Thankfully for Keith, he’s made friends with people who will save him. Does this mean it’s lights-out for Porsche? Even though she’s a “VIP cocktail waitress” who thrives in darkened locales? We’ll see if the Power Of Veto competition helps save her on Wednesday.

What did you think of last night’s episode? Was it an intriguing jumpoff? Or did it feel like a boring b-plot on an Oxygen ripoff called Big Sister (Full of Botox)? And why didn’t we see more of Shelly, who recited a monologue about her sweet husband? Thrill me in the comments, read me regularly at, and find more of my vulgarities on Twitter at @louisvirtel.

Comments are monitored, so don’t go off topic, don’t frakkin’ curse and don’t bore us with how much your coworker’s sister-in-law makes per hour. Talk smart about TV!

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  1. darclyte says:

    The “Regulators” was a good idea, but with Porsche siding with the Veterans, aka the Dream Killers (as the newbies are the “Dreamers” who dream of winning,) I don’t know if the Regulators will outlast Week One.

    Does anyone know if the Vets made a similar move? Rachel, Jeff & Dani would make a logical team as they are the strongest of their pairs.

    I know some complained on other blogs about how ED was on the episode last night and what took place wasn’t addressed. The Sunday show ALWAYS ends with the Noms, and he was STILL there. Everything that aired last night took place BEFORE the premiere episode aired on Thursday (as the HGs entered the house a few days prior.) ED didn’t leave until some point during the day on Thursday, and CBS stated that it’d be covered in the next episode which will air on Wednesday. The announcer at the end also noted that.

    I know many people don’t like ED and Rachel, but from what I’ve seen & heard, both seemed to be playing very differently. Of course, it helped that there wasn’t someone who they immediately got into conflicts with.

    ED posted a video on his website last night that addressed his leaving (click on my name to go to his site.)

    As for ED leaving, from what he said in his video I gotta give him respect not only for leaving to “be there” for this person, but also for not violating this person’s privacy by telling us who it is and what happened. It sounds like someone very close as he said the person had “been there” for him on many occasions. It also sounded like it was potentially very serious as TPTB actually came INTO the DR to tell him, and that ED actually seemed to stop himself a couple of time when it seemed he might have started to choke up.

    I never thought I’d use these words anywhere near each other, but ED was very classy in how he handled this by trying to “be there” for his friend, for not violating the friend’s privacy, and for apologizing to CBS/BB and the fans. Yes, he did say KMA to the “haters,” but in that circumstance, I might have as well. But everything else he handled correctly and with class.

    Maybe his friend will give him permission to say what it was (without telling who it is,) but if not, that’s fine. We don’t need to know all the gritty details.

    It’s possible that each HG has a rider as to be told or not to be told about external things depending who or what, or perhaps this person (or someone on their behalf) contacted CBS/BB. ED said in his video that the situation involving his friend was nothing that was known to him prior to going into the house, that it came out of nowhere and “knocked his socks off.”

    It’s too bad as I would have liked to have seen how this season would have played out with ED still in there. I hope for the best for his friend because it must be (or had been) pretty serious.

    • harmograz says:

      I agree with all ^ of this. ED may be crude or mean or a bully, but I was definitely looking forward to see him in the house, him and Dani’s dynamic and how ED within the veterans alliance would’ve played out. It would’ve been a lot more interesting than the snoozer we had last season.
      But you’re right. He did have a lot of grace in talking about his friend or whatever. He was very professional about it, and did a good job telling all the haters to F off. I doubt he would leave the game unless he absolutely had to. Dani has a golden key now, but I guess they’re still doing evictions this week.

    • Heidi says:

      GREAT POST!!!!!! Intelligent, observent & written with knowledge UNLIKE so many of the bloggers who don’t know anything about the show… I’m an ED fan & am really disappointed that he won’t be on this year for was super excited to see him play with the other ‘vets’…… These so called bloggers don’t even have the feeds & without the feeds you ‘really’ never know what ‘really’ has happened……. ONCE AGAIN, GREAT POST!!!!!!! Kudos’!!!!! :)

  2. DMAN says:

    Did anyone notice how Keith was “milking” his team! Keith seemed to enjoy the task a little too much! lol

  3. Sivat says:

    I HATE Keith, he’s f***ing disgusting and nasty, so I hope he’s the first voted off.

  4. JD says:

    The Newbies are trying WAY TOO HARD right now. Kalia, Adam, and Lawon are already annoying me. Kalia: you “deserve” a hot shower? what have you done exactly to “deserve” that more than anyone else? Adam: OMG we don’t care anymore than you love bacon. we’re over that, as well as the screaming. Lawon seems like he could be cool if you were acting normally and not trying to fit into his stereotype. The Regulators don’t make much sense…if one of them was up, they’d need more than 3 other votes to stay in. are they thinking that each of them could also sway their partners? i’m assuming everyone will vote separately and not as a pair, and most of the new pairs are already estranged, so to assume that any one of them could guarantee their partner’s vote is crazy at this point. i do like Cassi though…she seems like she’s agreeing to every alliance right now but is actually weighing her options and trying to lay low until she knows the best move.

    also, i don’t have the feeds, but i follow a few update sites, and i heard that Keith has gone off on quite a few people recently. have the Regulators already cracked? assuming the Veterans want him out because he’s strong and Porche is easy to manipulate, do they have enough newbie votes to make that happen now that Keith has alienated himself?

  5. 8daysaweek says:

    I laughed out loud when Rachel said Brendon never gets tired of “these!” Apparently someone has forgotten the penis pictures he shared with his online friend and the ensuing break-up. Doesn’t sound like he’s all that enthralled if you didn’t even make it a year before he started straying.

  6. BRETT says:

    The newbies are obnoxious. Keith is a PERV (and he works in a church??). Regardless if you like Rach or not, she’s great TV. I am rooting for the veterans, aside from Danielle. I would like to see either Jeff or Jordan win, they’re hilarious, and great game players. By the way, how annoying is Dick? He thinks just because he won that he knows everything about the game and that he will win again (we know he doesn’t). I know he’s not a humble guy, but geeze.

  7. Sivat says:

    I love Daniele–she is my favourite of the returning vets, so I hope she wins it all.

    • mark says:

      agree. Daniele and Dick(as much as I loathe him) are the only vets that had any kind of strategy before. Brenchel were crap players, and J and J were manipulated into winning by producers (hello coup d’etat and a good edit). I’m cheering for the newbies.

  8. Laurel says:

    Brett, I think you’re right about Keith.
    Perv with a Capitol P !
    That guy is from Creepytown