Bachelorette fans, I hope you all had access to Silkwood showers on Monday night. How else to scrub away the tawdriness, skeeziness, and international bad vibes that emanated from an incalculably wretched two-hour telecast?
Before we count down the episode’s five most horrible moments, I’ve got a couple questions to ask: First of all, if Bentley’s sole purpose for going on the Bachelor was to promote his business, why reveal his caddish intentions in his confessional interviews? (Unless, of course, his business is the College of Sociopathic Misogyny. Or scoring a spot on Bachelor Pad.) “I don’t care about Ashley,” he boasted. “I had the opportunity and I played everyone. It’s something that’s never been done before.” Un, congratulations?
And secondly, why in God’s green earth did Ashley agree to a group date in which her fame-hungry suitors took turns roasting her? I mean, it wouldn’t take a trained mental health professional to point out that when it comes to building a long-term romantic relationship, you shouldn’t be insisting your man get up in front of a crowd of strangers to mock your small breasts and deepest insecurities, right?
Ah well, at least we got a moment of comic relief when the Masked Suitor revealed his face — while some evil-genius editor played organ music and interspersed images of a preening hawk and a squirrel nibbling on a cracker. Ashley’s unfiltered initial response? “He’s a lot older than I thought he was.”
And now, let’s get to my picks for the episode’s five worst moments (Ashley’s low-rent, silver sequined minidress from the rose ceremony just missed the cut):
5. Cell phone salesman William finally revealed his true romantic loyalties when he discovered an actual famous person would be participating in the Bachelorette roast. “If I could impress Jeffrey Ross, it could open up the door for me to do my dream,” squealed William, as he justified going nuclear on Ashley, even going so far as to label her “used” goods. Did anyone else get a hearty chuckle at William’s total cluelessness in thinking he could parlay a 60-second bit on a reality dating show into the chance to “roast famous celebrities” in just a few months’ time?
4. I know Ashley said her rack was fair game, but there was something deeply uncomfortable hearing at least four of the bachelors aim their insults directly at her chest. “Get out your cell phone to donate to the Ashley boob fund!” chuckled William. “Ashley, I just picked up your t**, sorry,” said “Zorro’s unemployed brother,” in a “joke” that I still haven’t figured out.
3. True confessions time: I did not feel an ounce of sympathy for Ashley as she sat and wept at the back of the comedy club. Hey, you can’t douse yourself in gasoline prior to a candlelight dinner, then blame the restaurant if you go up in flames reaching for a roll. Even worse, it was clear Ashley was sulking for the sole purpose of getting her pack of gentlemen to lavish her with praise. Girlfriend had zero interest when the Masked Suitor revealed he’d “adopted a three-legged dog that was abused,” but oh how her face lit up when Ryan P. said she was the rejected bachelorette he most wanted to date. (p.s. If Ashley was going to chastise William for anything, it should’ve been for his failure to score a single decent laugh during his routine.)
2. Okay, so maybe Ashley shouldn’t have been throwing around the L word about Bentley after being warned at the start of the season he was “not in it for the right reasons” and prior to having a single one-on-one date with the guy. But still, I wanted to put Mark Ruffalo’s skeevy stunt double in a bag and hurl him repeatedly against the wall watching him get off on hurting a woman’s feelings. “I’m gonna make Ashley cry,” laughed Bentley. “I hope my hair looks okay.” And later, he shared his burdens in a confessional setting: “It’s annoying to hold a girl that’s just crying and crying and crying.” For a guy who professes to adore his daughter Cozy — I know, I know, if you love someone you don’t name them Cozy in the first place, but still… — Bentley’s got an interesting view about how to treat women.
1. The absolute low point of an episode that represented a low point for the Bachelor/Bachelorette franchise? After a sobbing Ashley wrapped her legs around Bentley’s waist and hugged him goodbye, her creepy anti-suitor shared with the viewing audience that he realized they were in a “great position to start something really good.”
What did you think about Monday’s installment of The Bachelorette? Did you end up like Ashley, sobbing uncontrollably into your mauve bedding? Or did you find yourself yelling “YES” when our heroine tearfully asked, “Was I wrong about everything?” Sound off in the comments, and for all my reality recaps, follow me on Twitter @MichaelSlezakTV!