The 2011 MTV Movie Awards is in the books, or perhaps more accurately, on a wadded-up piece of paper towel on the bathroom floor. The two-hour litany of movie trailers, Teen Wolf ads, and glorious victories for members of The Twilight Saga: Eclipse fan club was short on genuine laughs and long on uncomfortable sex jokes and pitiful teleprompter reading. Let’s recount the telecast’s three best and three worst moments — the former being a much harder task than the latter — and review the list of winners.
1) Jason Sudeikis interviews “the boulder” from 127 Hours: Sudeikis’ entire hosting gig reeked of embarrassment and desperation, but the stench was never worse than a bit where he wandered into the audience and interviewed “Bob the Boulder” (pictured), who expressed disappointment at having been snubbed for a Best Villain nomination, then discussed his plans for a porn flick called 127 Inches. Whoever wrote this bit owes me 127 seconds of my life back.
2) Robert Pattinson drops the (uncensored) f-bomb in a brutally unfunny presentation of Reese Witherspoon’s MTV Generation Award: Pattinson’s speech, which the actor failed to memorize and had to read off a piece of paper, included a recollection of how he’d been cast as Witherspoon’s son in 2004′s Vanity Fair (a role which he said got snipped from the movie at Witherspoon’s request) and later as her lover in 2011′s Water for Elephants. “I didn’t cut you out, but I did f*** you,” he blurted about the latter film, an expletive the MTV censors failed to bleep. Pattinson then blathered on about Witherspoon having taught him that Southern women wear girdles (but can’t talk about it) and that it’s possible to be 33 percent lesbian. As his co-presenter Chelsea Handler summed it up: “This is the worst!”
3) Sudeikis Plays a Medley of Movie-Theme Spoofs: Amazingly, not a single one of the host’s song parodies scored a laugh — from a ditty about No Strings Attached with a zinger about golden showers to a Just Go With It anthem with the punch line “Brooklyn Decker’s boobs.”
1) Reese Witherspoon reimagines Robert Pattinson’s botched bon mot (see above), then lobs hilarious bitchery at the Paris Hiltons of the world: “By the way, Rob,” Witherspoon grinned as she got to the podium, “the punch line to your joke was, I played your mother, then we had a sex scene, so really you’re the best mother f***** in Hollywood.” Later, the 2006 Oscar winner for Walk the Line talked about trying to make it as a “good girl” in Hollywood. “It’s possible to make it in Hollywood without a reality show,” she said. “When I came up in this business, if you made a sex tape, you were embarrassed, and you hid it under your bed. And like, if you took naked pictures of yourself in your cellphone, you hide your face, people. Hide your face!”
2) Sudeikis spoofs Vin Diesel in Fast 5. Appearing as actor “Dick Fuel” alongside real Fast 5 star Tyrese Gibson, Sudeikis scored rare laughs in a PSA about texting during illegal street racing. The best bits involved snippets of horrific auto carnage from the movie in question, with cuts to absurd text messages like “What’s up? I’m illegal street racing!” and “Racing train. I think I’m going 2 win!”
3) Ryan Reynolds trying to blunt “laser boners” from Jackass cast members by talking about Donald Trump: It says a lot for the Green Lantern star’s comic chops that he could wring some laughs from a ridiculous monologue about The Apprentice foolio sitting astride a white stallion “wearing nothing but baby powder and a pair of well-oiled ass-less leather chaps.” I’d suggest that next year, Reynolds take over Sudeikis’ hosting role, but honestly, he’s too good for the job.
And now, on to the list of winners…
2011 MTV MOVIE AWARD WINNERS LIST
Best Male Performance
Robert Pattinson, The Twilight Saga: Eclipse
Tom Felton, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
Best Jaw Dropping Moment
Justin Bieber, Never Say Never
Robert Pattinson vs Xavier Samuel and Bryce Dallas Howard, The Twilight Saga: Eclipse
Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson, The Twilight Saga: Eclipse
MTV Generation Award
Best Line From a Movie
“I wanna get chocolate wasted!” –Alexys Nycole Sanchez, Grown Ups
Best Female Performance
Kristen Stewart, The Twilight Saga: Eclipse
Best Comedic Performance
Emma Stone, Easy A
The Twilight Saga: Eclipse
What did you think of the 2011 MTV Movie Awards? What were your most and least favorite moments? Sound off in the comments, and for all my TV recaps, follow me on Twitter @MichaelSlezakTV!