Bachelorette Recap: Mask and You Shall Receive

Episode two of The Bachelorette: Cavity Search — hey, our heroine’s a dentist! — started with a fake wedding and ended with a shot of a masked dude sitting on a toilet. Who says this franchise doesn’t understand the meaning of true romance? Um, actually, that would be me. To that end, let’s dive right in to the five most soul-crushing portions of Monday night’s two-hour telecast:

* Dating as Hideous Public Spectacle: Every portion of Ashley and William’s one-on-one Vegas date had me doing a full-body cringe — from the way she tried to throw him off balance by pretending to shop for wedding cakes and engagement rings to the passively hostile escalation of Ashley visiting a wedding chapel and having a minister start their vows. “This could be a legally binding marriage!” she giggled, after William pressed his foot to the gas pedal during the game of emotional chicken and said “I do.” Still, the worst part of the excursion was the way ABC clearly arranged to have some Bachelorette “fans” positioned outside the casino to snap pictures of Ashley upon her arrival, and then later spy our heroine having dinner at the Bellagio fountains and squeal “We love you Ashley!” William’s description of the “breathtaking” meal — “How many people have dinner in the water, and to have everybody just watching you?” — pretty much summed up the central conundrum of the Bachelor/Bachelorette franchise: It’s hard for a fameosexual to distinguish between true love and public adulation. Or maybe, for a fameosexual, there is no difference at all?

* Ability to “Perform” as Amateur Actor/Dancer/Singer as Prerequisite for Romantic Worthiness: Ashley’s group date found her in updated “Hee Haw chic” — pink gingham top tied at the waist, tight jeans, requisite stilettos — and demanding that her suitors choreograph and perform routines for a chance to perform during a Vegas show with America’s Best Dance Crew winners Jabbawockeez. (Nice to see the reality-show circle of life remains unbroken.) The results of this nonsense were ultimately inconsequential — a half-dozen mostly dark-haired galoots got “alone time” with Ashley in Vegas while another half-dozen mostly dark-haired galoots got sent back to Los Angeles — but I thought West’s comment about how he was “very happy to spend time with the Jabbawockeez” said a lot about the nature of wannabe famous people and their desire to snuggle closer to actual semi-sorta-famous people. Also: How infuriating would it be to purchase tickets for the Jabbawockeez Vegas show and wind up having to watch an extended segment devoted to an ABC reality dating series? Gross.

* Selection of Known Freak Over Viable Suitor for the Sole Purpose of Heightened Dramedy: In real life*, if a woman showed up for a blind date, and her suitor turned out to be dude in a mask (who wasn’t opposed to donning a sleeping mask on top of his daywear mask), she’d flee the scene faster than Paris Hilton attending a party with no paparazzi. But instead we got Ashley saying “yes” to the mess — hey, he almost showed his true face after revealing a backstory involving a scary brain hemorrhage and subsequent divorce — over adorable mama’s boy Matt (whose voice mail to his mother — “I need you to pick me up at the airport and give me lots of love and cook me french toast.” — ranks among the all-time best exits from this show). Then again, we did see Ashley donning a Jabbawockeez mask in Vegas, so maybe she, too, has some kind of masquerade fetish? (Is there such a thing?) Whatever. I sincerely hope our protagonist made her decision without having access to all that insane footage of The Mask keeping on his headpiece while lap swimming, eating chips, vacuuming the Bachelor pad foyer, and (forgive me for typing this) dropping a deuce. Best part of the episode was seeing The Mask boiling on a 90 degree day and admitting he wished he’d chosen his signature accessory in white, not black. (* I know, I know, what does real life have to do with The Bachelorette?)

* Ashley’s Casual Horribleness: Could you believe that the Bachelorette followed up Mickey’s heartfelt story of his mother’s death by announcing she wanted to use a coin flip to decide whether or not to give him a rose? Yeah, yeah, she later admitted she’d have kept the guy around no matter what, but note that only happened after the coin came up “heads.” (Side note: Was anyone skeeved out by the sight of the couple standing in an ankle-deep pool of water for that Colbie Caillat concert? Color me stunned that some enterprising ABC ad exec didn’t manage to monetize the moment with a product-placement pitch for Tinactin.)

* Bentley’s Mere Existence: Every Bachelorette season has its villain, but this dude is trying so hard to be abhorrent that it’s actually bordering on…pathetic? Psychotic? Possibly paid for by ABC? Take his description of our fair dentist: “Great body, amazing butt, rockin’ legs. and having her tickle my [bleep], I mean, that would be amazing.” And then, of course, we had Bentley waxing misogynistic with this zinger: “Do I need to, like, ram my tongue down her throat? Honestly, I think Ashley will be open to it.” For the love of Chris Harrison, please make it stop!

What did you think of this week’s Bachelorette? Did I miss any of your favorite soul-crushing moments? Was there anything about the two-hour spectacle you thought was actually romantic? Sound off below, and for all my reality recaps and news, follow me on Twitter @MichaelSlezakTV!

Comments are monitored, so don’t go off topic, don’t frakkin’ curse and don’t bore us with how much your coworker’s sister-in-law makes per hour. Talk smart about TV!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

  1. TJ says:

    Bentley is a waste of space and a sick individual. There are only a few guys I like here. Ugh.

  2. duranmom says:

    Here’s a question: What if Ashley had taken Masked Jeff on the Jabbawockeez date and he had been in the group that had won? Would he had to have taken off his mask just to don another? Hmmmmm….

    I hate that Bentley is along for the ride. There have been scummy guys in the past *ahem* Wes. But he had an agenda to further his music career (we see how well *that* worked) but at least he wasn’t totally rude. Bentley is TOTALLY horrible, rude and pathetic. What makes it worse is that Ashley herself was warned about him. I know people think the producers and Chris Harrison should step in and tell her to dump him but she is “following her heart” on her “journey” (oh, Bachelor/ette-isms!) — she WAS warned by an outside source…when that happens, you listen!

    • Ruth says:

      I agree with you to a point duranmom…but when the producers know that someone is there to SPECIFICALLY cause pain and suffering to the person they are supposed to be helping on their journey to find “love” then I believe they not only should step in, but are morally obligated to step in. If this nutcase (Bentley)stays on the show any longer I don’t think I can continue to watch…it’s horrifying.

      • Cris says:

        I agree with Ruth. I won’t be watching any more episodes until he’s gone. Icouldn’t even watch the second one. The show just went too far this time and it’s painful to witness. Bad call on the producer’s part to even include him in the first place.

  3. sherimoonzombie says:

    Cavity Search, hehe. That faux wedding stint was about the most pathetic thing I’ve seen them do on this show. Not so much for the hapless ‘groom’, but for the oblivious shop keepers whose time was freaking wasted by the not-really-engaged couple. Rude.

  4. Sam says:

    I’ve never really watched this show before so I don’t know Ashley’s personality but she’s kind of…annoying. The being said, Bentley needs to be kicked out of there!

  5. Elizabeth says:

    Every week this Bentley tool is on this show loses creditability* — maybe this is the final season???

    *like it ever had any

  6. bethany0403 says:

    They really could not have picked a worse Bachelorette. Ashley is pathetic, embarrassing and desperate. That faux wedding date had me watching behind a pillow and her pleading with Bentley, not to mention her incessant fake laughing has me questioning why I will continue to watch this season. She really is dreadful.

  7. Kim R says:

    I am not a Bachelor/Bachelorette viewer but…what is with the guy in the mask? Totally confused by the picture?? :(

    • sherimoonzombie says:

      One of the guys thought he’d stand out by making a statement about how what’s really important is what’s on the inside. So he’s wearing a mask 24×7 until he thinks Ashley gets a chance to see the “real” him first. Well, it’s either that or he’s a nut case begging for hospitalization…you pick.

  8. wendeeloo says:

    What I find so funny is – all this guy in the mask is hiding is his forehead and the top of his cheeks. I think we could all pick him out in a line-up so when one of the other guys said, “I wonder what he looks like?” – Really? And the Bentley/Ashley thing seems scripted to me. He’s just TOO Snidely Whiplash and she’s too accomodating for it to be real. Mike Fleiss needs drama so he -or his writers concoct a little play that the bachelorette agrees to go along with in order to meet these other guys. If that’s not true, and it’s real – then the producers are letting a woman get mauled by a guy who just wants to get ‘some’. Isn’t that pretty appalling?

  9. scarlettbama says:

    Bentley, and any like him, should be PLUCKED from show *ASAP*. Really makes a mockery of this show.
    * Remember the good-looking moron in Ali’s season w/ the girlfriend back home? He limped to Ali’s house on-air to break up. Eventually she caught him + sent him home.

  10. jorge says:

    Can’t believe how judgemental this society is.

    I’m talking about the person who implied Jeff’s crazy or needs hospitalization bc he’s wearing a mask.

    LOL! Its a mask!

    Would you be saying this if he wore a hat? No, bc hats have been accepted to be worn by society.

    Masks are not accepted *by society* to wear unless its halloween or a costume party.

    But that doesn’t make somebody wearing one “crazy.”

    My gawd. How quick people are to judge up to the wazoo the second they see something that deviates from the norm of their society.

    • IdolIdol says:


      When you pronounce God as Gawd it sounds like you are from New Orleans which is the Brooklyn..ish way of pronouncing the name of the devine one here in the most southern of cities. Yet even people from New Orleans consider people looney who wear masks when it is not Mardi Gras or Halloween

      Anywho, the Powers That Be at ABC have manipulated the plot so that we keep watching until mysterious Jeff removes his mask

      Michael Slezack, I jumped over to this sight from the Idol sight just to see what was happenin
      I think I’ll go back to the Idol sight and cheer for Haley Rhinehart