I'm Pretty Sure Charlie Sheen Just Won the Two and a Half Men Writers an Emmy

The critically lambasted Saturday night kick-off of Charlie Sheen’s “Violent Torpedo of Truth: Defeat is Not an Option” stage tour may not have left only scorched Detroit earth and wallets in its wake. No, it possibly planted the seed for Sheen’s former sitcom home, Two and a Half Men, to garner its first-ever Emmy nomination for writing, if not also turn that into a sympathy win.

After all, the live showcase confirmed what Sheen’s countless TV sit-downs and “Sheen’s Korner” webcast suggested: that without a script — even one laden with double entendres and oft regurgitating bad-boy mantras — Sheen is not at all clever, and frankly a bit of a bore. Especially now, weeks after he exhausted his cache of “Warlock assassin” and “Winning, duh!” catchphrases.

With that in mind, maybe it is time to give the Two and a Half Men scribes their due — a form of hazard pay, if you will — for managing to turn the TV version of Sheen into a semi-charming cad quick with a semblance of wit.

Sheen’s stage debut was savagely reviewed both in blogs and on Twitter Saturday night, allowing those playing at home to more or less lay witness to a train wreck that, let’s face it, you had to see coming.

Among the unfortunate onlookers, TV Guide Magazine summed up Sheen’s show as a “disconnected mess of prepackaged video montages,” “incoherent ramblings” and “nonsensical quotes from Thomas Jefferson, Bob Dylan and Robert Plant,” while The Hollywood Reporter said much of it revolved around “the overwritten, faux-Biblical preaching of a self-anointed Messiah who views himself as the most truthful person in the universe.” Entertainment Weekly, which delivered a nice blow-by-blow recap, summed up the spectacle as a “padded and disjointed … hodgepodge of video clips and Sheen-isms that felt hastily assembled and misjudged the patience of even the hardest of hardcore fans.”

Indeed, every accounting of the tour debut said that audience members were not shy to walk out early — and apparently neither was Sheen, who after fielding much heckling (and mocking the ticket-buyers for having already shelled out their non-refundable money) turned the stage over to rapper Simon Rex… and then never returned.

Speaking of Emmys and such accolades, apparently Sheen Goddess No. 1, porn starlet Bree Olson, delivered quite the convincing performance at the head of Sheen’s show, where she necked on-stage with Goddess No. 2 Natalie Kenly. Olson claimed afterwards on Twitter, “Despite popular belief, [that] was the first time Natalie and I ever made out.” Do I hear Tony Award buzz?

Comments are monitored, so don’t go off topic, don’t frakkin’ curse and don’t bore us with how much your coworker’s sister-in-law makes per hour. Talk smart about TV!

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  1. Michael Sacal says:

    How about this for a show: Randy Quaid, Charlie Sheen, and Lindsay Lohan… that’s it, that’s the show.

    Next fall, on (where else?) Fox!

    • Eurydice says:

      And Mel Gibson and maybe Courtney Love, to add another female. But they’ll also have to do something different every week – like learn the quickstep, lose 10 pounds, bake 1,000 cupcakes, sing one of Elton John’s greatest hits, start a fast food company, hop across Nevada with their legs tied together…

      • Michael Sacal says:

        So, basically Big Brother, Celebrity Apprentice, or the space ship that Homer and Bart take to escape Earth.

        • deedeedragons says:

          I love that episode!
          “Now Lisa you can only take one par”
          “MOM”, always loved the solider doesn’t even get the word “parent” out.

    • Bruce says:

      At least Lindsey’s smart enough to keep her mouth closed when it count’s. Chuckle’s just keep’s on blattering jibberish just as he did when he started this pop corn fart thing. He’s playing the biggest , and stupidest role yet….himself ! All he has to do now is show up at every date, and he’s already got your money! Ain’t that a blip? I’d be peeved… knowing if I showed for any of those show’s… I’d want to heeve a heiniken at his head!!!! Revolt people. Warlock’s are evil. Not only that……their ugly[ inside and out] I bet if you play his taped show’s in reverse, there’s some kind of demonic message in there….. Ahhh he need’s a boot in the ass.

    • tvfan says:

      This is old news, they loved him in Chicago!!!!

      • Mike says:

        Loved him? While they didn’t actually heckle him, according to twitter and face book, many posters were VERY bored because he was telling the same stories everyone has already heard (for free) over the last four months. They expected something different and just got more of the same for their $80 bucks.

  2. Michael says:

    Soon, TBTB will realize that 2.5 Men viewers aren’t going to see Charlie Harper when they watch the show; they’re going to see failed stand up Charlie Sheen.

    And that’s not good for either Charlie.

    • Jake says:

      Yeah i havent been able to watch any episodes of Two and a haldf men since all this news started, just watching charlie sheen makes me cringe and i cant look at his character without thinking of sheen and it doesnt help that his character is pretty much exactly how he acts.

      • FishCake says:

        There haven’t been any to watch.

        • melly says:

          @FishCake – I think Jake is talking about the reruns, which are definitely running on Monday nights. I too find myself quickly passing over 2-1/2 Men on the remote control. If I land on it more than 30 seconds I get kind of a sick feeling in my gut.

          Chuck Lorre #Winning!

  3. Jack says:

    Did Sheen’s bomb really come as a surprise to anyone?

    • melly says:

      @Jack – not a suprise that it bombed, but a surprise that it bombed so spectacularly!

      • Nicotine says:

        I’m not surprised it bombed at all. I’m surprised anyone wasted their hard-earned money on something that was sure to disappoint. Unless Bree Olson and that other chick went all the way onstage, there’s no way I’m paying money to see a coked-out narcissist play life guru.

  4. Darrell says:

    That was the most complete distruction of a bright career since Phoenix tried to act like a drugged out freak. What a waste. He needs intervention. NOW!!

  5. Sam says:

    Either 30 Rock or Community should win the Emmy for writing this year. 30 Rock for the Queen of Jordan episode (or Operation Righteous Cowboy Lightning), Community for the Dungeons and Dragons episode. If 2.5 Men won, it would be a travesty. Are we really arguing that Charlie Harper says clever things on that show? REALLY?!

    • Eurydice says:

      It was kind of a joke – you know, the writers deserve an Emmy for making Charlie Sheen more bearable than he is in real life…oh, never mind.

      • Lil Jo says:

        Didn’t get your first clue that Sam doesn’t understand SARCASM when he reads it, that and/or what’s FUNNY by the shows he listed

        (or she, I guess Sam could be a girls name too, don’t want to offend anyone)

        • frannie says:

          Are we to conclude that you have a little package too, going by your name? You know, if we’re going to make inane conclusions based solely on a persons name. You’re probably the kind of nitwit that would actually buy a ticket to a Sheen show.

    • emma says:

      Farce fail.

  6. Nina says:

    What were these people EXPECTING !?
    I mean come on.

    I love 3 1/2 Men but I would never buy ticket to a Charlie Sheen 1 man show.

  7. Huge Heffner says:

    Is the Olson-Kenly segment on YouTube yet?

  8. Desert Cat says:

    ANYONE who thought this tour would be entertainment, and not the sad, pathetic, and very public rantings of a narcissistic, mentally ill drug addict deserved to lose their money. If this man does not hit his bottom and seek help soon, he will be dead. Period. How exactly is this entertainment?

  9. Laurel says:

    If you buy a ticket to watch a train wreck then don’t complain when you see a train wreck.

    Seriously anyone who bought a ticket to see this show deserves exactly what they got.

    • Kate says:

      I agree. Not to mention I think these people went hoping to see a train wreck if not cause one. I read the blow by blow on EW and it sounds like audience was determined to start something since they started booing the poor warm up guy as soon as he got out there.

    • Nicole says:

      People, please! While all of these discussions are worthy and bring up salient points, we are all overlooking the most shocking and hilarious line in the above article: “turned the stage over to rapper Simon Rex”. RAPPER Simon Rex? How long has this been happening, exactly?

  10. batman says:

    Hopefully Sheen or the promoter will cancel the remaining shows and refund the tickets. Why did they think he could carry a live show when he’s never even had stand-up experience?

  11. amy says:

    I’m starting to think half the people in the audience were members of the press who HAD to be there.

  12. hru says:

    Where are all Sheens Winning fans now? Still think this mess is winning?

  13. prish says:

    Sheen being booed off the stage in Detroit means that Detroit 1-8-7 would become a powerful show, if renewed. What a better publicity could there be? “…hire someone from Detroit…” Suits, hear the cha-ching of the cash register and renew the show!

  14. amber says:

    “Necked”? What is this, the 50s? =) Did they also go up to Inspiration Point?

    It is not a shock he bombed or that he bombed so spectacularly. It is a shock people are surprised that he bombed or that people were willing to spend money to go to it, or even that people think they should get their money back after being dumb enough to buy tickets.

  15. STARK says:

    The people that spent money in this show reminds me of the Michael Jackson fans that planned to commit suicide when he died: Anyone that wants to commit suicide because Michael Jackson is dead… deserves to die.

    so,i agree, if you buy thickets for this show, you deserve every minute of it.

  16. Nicole says:

    CBS, Warner Brothers, just keep his ass fired.