I'm Pretty Sure Charlie Sheen Just Won the Two and a Half Men Writers an Emmy

The critically lambasted Saturday night kick-off of Charlie Sheen’s “Violent Torpedo of Truth: Defeat is Not an Option” stage tour may not have left only scorched Detroit earth and wallets in its wake. No, it possibly planted the seed for Sheen’s former sitcom home, Two and a Half Men, to garner its first-ever Emmy nomination for writing, if not also turn that into a sympathy win.

After all, the live showcase confirmed what Sheen’s countless TV sit-downs and “Sheen’s Korner” webcast suggested: that without a script — even one laden with double entendres and oft regurgitating bad-boy mantras — Sheen is not at all clever, and frankly a bit of a bore. Especially now, weeks after he exhausted his cache of “Warlock assassin” and “Winning, duh!” catchphrases.

With that in mind, maybe it is time to give the Two and a Half Men scribes their due — a form of hazard pay, if you will — for managing to turn the TV version of Sheen into a semi-charming cad quick with a semblance of wit.

Sheen’s stage debut was savagely reviewed both in blogs and on Twitter Saturday night, allowing those playing at home to more or less lay witness to a train wreck that, let’s face it, you had to see coming.

Among the unfortunate onlookers, TV Guide Magazine summed up Sheen’s show as a “disconnected mess of prepackaged video montages,” “incoherent ramblings” and “nonsensical quotes from Thomas Jefferson, Bob Dylan and Robert Plant,” while The Hollywood Reporter said much of it revolved around “the overwritten, faux-Biblical preaching of a self-anointed Messiah who views himself as the most truthful person in the universe.” Entertainment Weekly, which delivered a nice blow-by-blow recap, summed up the spectacle as a “padded and disjointed … hodgepodge of video clips and Sheen-isms that felt hastily assembled and misjudged the patience of even the hardest of hardcore fans.”

Indeed, every accounting of the tour debut said that audience members were not shy to walk out early — and apparently neither was Sheen, who after fielding much heckling (and mocking the ticket-buyers for having already shelled out their non-refundable money) turned the stage over to rapper Simon Rex… and then never returned.

Speaking of Emmys and such accolades, apparently Sheen Goddess No. 1, porn starlet Bree Olson, delivered quite the convincing performance at the head of Sheen’s show, where she necked on-stage with Goddess No. 2 Natalie Kenly. Olson claimed afterwards on Twitter, “Despite popular belief, [that] was the first time Natalie and I ever made out.” Do I hear Tony Award buzz?