MONDAY, MARCH 28
8/7c The Secret Life of the American Teenager (ABC Family) | Midseason premiere: Summer break is over, time to see what’s new at school. Hey, 7th Heaven‘s Beverley Mitchell is now our guidance counselor! Someone go get Zoe….
9 pm Make It Or Break It (ABC Family) | Midseason premiere: Kaylie’s eating disorder, rumors of an affair and the teeny-tiny fact that they have no coach are just a few of the problems that have the Rock girls flipping out. (See what I did there?)
10 pm Castle (ABC) | Beckett & Co. are called onto the scene when, mid-trial, a juror drops dead. I never studied law, but I’m rather certain this calls for a 10-minute recess.
10 pm Nurse Jackie (Showtime) | Season 3 premiere: I’ve got $10 that Jackie’s unwanted intervention doesn’t stick.
10:30 pm United States of Tara (Showtime) | On tap for Season 3: Eddie Izzard (playing a college professor) and, yep, another (and top-secret) alter for Tara.
TUESDAY, MARCH 29
9/8c NCIS: Los Angeles (CBS) | Kensi goes undercover as a thief. (A hot thief, one must assume.)
10 pm Body of Proof (ABC) | Dana Delany stars in this new series as a world-class neurosurgeon who, after being injured an accident, takes a gig as a medical examiner. But job parameters be damned, she’s gonna solve crimes!
10 pm Parenthood (NBC) | Academy Award winner Richard Dreyfuss begins a four-episode arc as a theater producer who takes an interest in Sarah’s play. He also gets weird when you show him a mound of mashed potatoes.
10 pm Lights Out (FX) | Miss Tessmacher! The series’ penultimate episode guest-stars Valerie Perrine as the flaky, oft-AWOL Leary family matriarch. What a coincidence she’s back just when the getting might once again be good.
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 30
9/8c Criminal Minds (CBS) | Let’s see how things can be, if we must, sans Prentiss.
10 pm Law & Order: SVU (NBC) | Jeremy Irons Alert #1: The Oscar winner reprises his role as sex therapist Cap Jackson, while Elizabeth Mitchell (V) guests as a piano teacher accused of murdering a young student.
10 pm Justified (FX) | Raylan is assigned to protect a coal company bigwig who is fixin’ to blow the top off a Harlan County mountain. Speaking of “blowing tops,” wait for Mags Bennett’s reaction. (As supplemental viewing, I suggest you simul-TiVo the new Spike docuseries Coal.)
THURSDAY, MARCH 31
1 pm Major League Baseball season opener (ESPN) | The Tigers visit my Yankees, followed by a Padres-Cardinals match-up. Then the defending World Series champs, the San Francisco Giants, take on the Dodgers.
8 pm The Big Bang Theory (CBS) | Call the virtual cops — Sheldon’s online role-playing alter ego has been robbed!
9 pm Grey’s Anatomy (ABC) | The aftermath of last week’s horrific car accident is served up in song, so I suppose it’s a good-ish thing that the primary crash victim is a Tony winner.
10 pm Private Practice (ABC) | Louise Fletcher (One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest) and Kyle Secor (Commander in Chief) return as Pete’s mother and brother.
FRIDAY, APRIL 1
8/7c Who Do You Think You Are? (NBC) | Whoa, Gwyneth Paltrow is your cousin. (April Fools!)
9 pm CSI: NY (CBS) | Gary Sinise took a straw poll on Twitter over the weekend, and almost all of ya hope the show gets renewed for another season. With Fringe and Supernatural on bye weeks, let your live-viewing vote count!
10 pm Blue Bloods (CBS) | Someone is poisoning runway models. With what, caloric cheeseburgers? Danny’s wife is kidnapped.
10 pm Camelot (Starz) | Series premiere: Three parts Arthurian legend, one part gratuitous nudity, so tell Junior to stay in his room and stick with the Cliff’s Notes.
SATURDAY, APRIL 2
6 pm NCAA Final Four (CBS) | Not that anyone’s office bracket is worth much anymore.
11:30 pm Saturday Night Live (NBC) | Elton John hosts, marking perhaps the first time cue cards have been squinted at through lavender eyeglass lenses.
SUNDAY, APRIL 3
8 pm The Kennedys (Reelz Channel) | See what the hubbub is about… once you figure out where Reelz Channel is on your TV.
9 pm Game of Thrones sneak preview (HBO) | Winter is coming… in a couple weeks. Until then, make do with a 15-minute teaser.
9 pm The Killing (AMC) | The cable network that brought you Mad Men, Breaking Bad and The Walking Dead has done it again, with this moody and frequently haunting tale of a high school girl’s murder. Based on the Danish TV series Forbrydelsen; that’s why the opening credits at times read like an IKEA order form.
9 pm The Borgias (Showtime) | Jeremy Irons Alert #2! The Oscar winner fronts this new series about the 15th century Italian crime family.
Which of the above is must-see TV for you? And by all means, hit the comments to politely share tune-in recommendations of your own!